Mysteriousdarkness

I and my boyfriend LOVE Crossfit. I don't do it as much as he does because I spend my time doing martial arts instead, but he practically lives at the box. Everyone who doesn't do Crossfit brings up rhabdo as an issue- Crossfit does not have a monopoly on rhabdo- it can be caused by pretty much any intense exercise. And it's totally preventable and avoidable with common sense and good nutrition/hydration/ looking after your body. There are good coaches and bad coaches in any sport- yes there are Crossfit boxes where the people and coaches push themselves/ others far beyond limits that are safe for that person, but they do not reflect the true nature of good Crossfit. A good coach knows what their clients can do, and how far to push them- and a good Crossfitter knows when and how to listen to their body. We learn the difference between muscle soreness from use and muscle pain from injury, we learn to listen when our body is saying "ok I'm tired but I can keep going" and when it's saying "stop right now". my Crossfit box is a wonderful place. Everyone cheers for everyone else, the first ones to finish all gather around to cheer on the slower ones. I still remember the day I climbed the rope after weeks of trying- and everyone cheered so loud!!! I love the feeling of pure power and strength- like I may be only a short, thin woman but check out this bar that I can lift, check out the first un-assisted strict pull-up I did. Checkout what I can do that I never thought I could do. That's what Crossfit is all about, thats why people are addicted and crazed about it- it's a sport that revolves around challenging yourself and what you thought was possible every single day, and realising that you are stronger than you thought, and that There is endless possibility. To put the idea of "crazy intense Crossfit" in perspective- I have medical problems that make full WODs hard for me, but I love exercise and Crossfit (and martial arts), so I communicate with my coaches/ teachers and let them know how far I can push myself. All WODs can be scaled- there is no need to force yourself to RX a WOD only to end up injured and sick, they can be shortened, fewer rounds, lighter weights, less reps. The trick with any sport or exercise is to listen to your body!! Good cross fitters listen. And they rarely rarely get hurt or sick. If I, as someone with medical illnesses, can listen to my body and communicate with my coaches to ensure I get fit and strong while remaining safe and injury-free, than anyone can. Don't blame the sport for what a couple of silly people do. I love Crossfit!!! (And martial arts- because if I don't add that then I'm disloyal to my main gym, aren't i)

I have an anxiety disorder, I am not suggesting in any way that you do, I only mention it as I suffered the exact same problems. I constantly felt like I wasn't "enough", I wasn't up the standards I wanted to be. I'm an overachiever and perfectionist which didn't help. I became utterly convinced I was a terrible nurse, I began to have nightmares About making a medication error, I had full blown panic attacks while giving out medications- I'm not proud to say that several people I respected and admired watched me collapse on to the floor in hysterical tears because the stress finally overwhelmed me- thank god I'd made it out of view of patients. anywho the reason you rind me of anxiety- the instant feelings of not being good enough, going home and reviewing every single decision and over analysing it- replaying it, wondering how you could have done "better". Have you noticed other symptoms- crying, feeling sad, over/ under eating, over/ under sleeping, feeling hopeless? With checking out with your doctor whether you are suffering from anxiety- whether chronic or work-related. Lifestyle changed, diet and exercise changes, work- life balance, finding satisfying hobbies etc re al great stress relievers- for everyone, not just those with anxiety problems. I know good medical care is hard t find in rural areas, but a visit to your doctor or a therapist might help you a lot. Alternatively there are a million online resources, websites, books, and even smart phone apps that teach all kinds of different techniques and therapies- relaxation, positive self talk, meditation- so many, there's bound to one you like and find helpful, though some might seem silly and unhelpful.

This is a sad part of nursing- the social life and special times with special people you miss out on because you're at work when everyone else is at home. I missed out on birthdays, christmas's, parties. Even the simple things, like curling up in bed with the boyfriend after a long day of looking after the sick and dying, I missed out on it- it's brutal. Some people are ok with it, others like me (and sounds like you) are a bit more sensitive to the loneliness and sense of alienation. i ended up leaving hospitals with their shift work and crazy rosters and went into nursing homes. Community/ district nursing can also be more regular- infact there at many more regular hour jobs, like radiation centres, doctors surgery, endoscopy clinics, Often those kind of jobs have more regular hours, or let you pick your own shifts- I had a fortnightly roster that I negotiated and it remained the same, so I could at least plan ahead. It was wonderful to be able to memorise the same roster and say "yes I can come to your party, yes i have Christmas Day off" rather than having to answer with "the roster isn't out yet, I don't know". I negotiated a roster without nightshift (many places have staff who actually want to work nightshift) as I found the disruption to my sleep, and the insane hours, contributed massively to feelings of depression, loneliness, sadness. I would find myself crying hopelessly at 3 in the morning, and I have underlying depression so it just was a disaster. it sucks. Try to make "appointments" with your friends and significant partner- like arrange times/ days to see thm- I made firm rules with myself like "must see my best friend every week". "Must pick up a hobby and ask for a regular evening off so I can do that hobby", "must have a day with my boyfriend every week where we go see a movie, or explore the town or play in the park" basically, work is scheduled, and then we schedule sleep and eating and other daily necessities around it. It's amazing how quickly the things that aren't scheduled get neglected because we are tired- but they're the most important- friendships,relationships, hobbies, family. It will keep you sane and happy. And when you do have the first night shift loneliness, you can think of the lovely memories of what you and your friends did on your day off, and what you have planned for your next day (you can even. spend those lonely hours planning what to do with your days off!!) to to this day, I still flat out refuse to work Sundays- because no matter what, that is the day I reserve to spend with my partner and/ or family because it's his only reliable day off.

Oh you sound like you're really in a bad place. It's really important that you find a way to take some time off- whether a temporary transfer to another ward, or going on to the casual bank to give you some variety, or even ask for a week or two off. Anything just give you some space to think, perhaps see a counsellor to talk about your feelings. work life balance is SO important to everyone- humans are not meant to live their lives at work, with little time to love and laugh and enjoy the finer things. But especially for nurses, who work high stress demanding jobs, where they see the very depth of human suffering and misery everyday- work life balance is so so crucial. Perhaps once the establishments start figuring that out, they'll give nurses better hours, more staff to help out, improve the general culture of disrespect towards nurses (back in my grandmothers day, nurses were highly respected). With those things in place, perhaps the huge nurse burnout rate will decrease and fewer amazing loving intelligent nurses would leave or become jaded and broken. You need to decide whether it's just this particular job or the entire career. As you've only been graduated for 2 years you may not wish to make a life chaning career choice now. Try try try to get a job somewhere else- think outside the box. Nursing homes and district/ community nursing, disability and rehab sectors- it doesn't have to be forever, just enough to get you out of where you are so you can think. think carefully on it before giving up your registration entirely. That's what I ended up doing- I tried many jobs, and different forms of therapy, but never found a happy place. I thought for a long time what I loved and what I hated about nursing, and I realised I loved look after people and teaching- so I am studying to become a children's teacher. think on it, and good luck

ive had weird things happen. this one time i was driving home at night, had my headlights on and was doing the speed limit. i started to slow to enter a roundabout. i looked right and left (in australia, the cars would come from our right). i didnt see anything and yet something told me to stop. to this day it makes no sense- all looked and seemed well and the road looked clear, but i stopped anyway because i just felt like i should. a split second later a black car with very dim headlights sped through from my right at a blinding speed. if i hadn't stopped i would have been killed. i hadn't seen him because he was coming so fast around a corner and in a dark car... my mum was in the car that day too and we are both atheists with no real belief in anything and yet we both swear something saved us that night

I feel more and more like.. Humans ARE god. We have the power to inflict massive damage on each other, on our environment, on the world around us, we have the power to hate, kill, rape, steal, destroy.. but we also have the power to love, heal, care, carry, protect... Why do we look into the sky and ask for a miracle? Why can't we BE the miracle? Humans do miracles everyday. The brother who donates a kidney to his sister. The stranger who stops at a car accident to lend a hand. The people who decide to become nurses or doctors... The people who go over and visit their neighbours because they're elderly and have no one else to check on them- just to make sure they're doing ok. I think we ARE god, or god lives in each of us. I think if we used our talents, skills, and power for good, the world would be an amazing place. Much of the suffering is caused by fellow humans. And much of the joy, love and compassion is also from fellow humans. i got help because other people we're guided by their compassion, caring, and kind nature to help me. Using an analogy- it's like I was on the floor and they reached down and pulled me back up. They could have walked by. Hell, they could have kicked me while I was down, they could have really laid it on thick, but they didn't. They helped me up. And the love and compassion of others is my miracle. It wasn't god that helped me- it was other people. Maybe they were led there by god, maybe they we're put in my path. and now I want to be the miracle too- not as a nurse anymore, I can't be in that world. But you don't have to be a nurse to care for your fellow man. I want to be the person who sees a sad lonely hopeless soul who's reaching out for help and I want to be the one who reaches out and takes their hand. I'll take whatever opportunity I come across and assume that if I'm there then maybe I've been led there for the exact purpose to help that person, even if it's a simple hug, or helping them get help. I've been given help- now it's my job to keep sharing the love. i saw my friend the other day displaying signs of depression- I could see it because I'd suffered it myself. If I hadn't suffered it I might not have known what she was suffering. Now I can give her the help others gave me- now I can lead her to the psychologists and doctors who can help her. Isn't that what being human is all about?

Let's be clear: this thread is not focused on finding religion or any branch of a particular faith. I don't want it to become about which religion is right- if any. I sont want to be told one or another religion is the true faith- I'm not religious. Maybe just... Maybe I just believe in god. ive been an agnostic all my life- I hadn't decided whether god existed or not, and I certainly didn't follow any religions- most I considered superstitious. (Pleased don't take offense- that was my view on religion). but I've recently quit nursing after 5 years where I got burnt out and compassion fatigue that resulted in me being very mentally sick- and yet I still needed to earn that paycheck! So I kept dragging myself into work.... over my 5 years I saw some terrible, heartbreaking, truly awful things. But I also saw almost all those patients suffering the worst of the worst- almost all of them turned to god, or some spiritual belief that there was something beyond this world. I could see the wonder and amazement in their eyes when they talked about how close to god they were. I saw that despite all their physical pain, something or someone beyond my understanding was giving them peace- it wasn't the meds or machines we pumped into them, but something beyond.... but that was conflicted with the fact they were suffering in the first place- if god existed then why are so many people in the world suffering so terribly? I became very angry and bitter- how could there be so much suffering if god was alive. The holocaust! Kids dying of cancer! Starving kids in Africa.. How could this happen!! But as I said- I saw many spiritual things happening in those wards and nursing homes. I've seen patients with advanced dementia who hadn't spoken a sensible word in years lay on their death bed... And be able to be lucid enough to say goodbye to their family. Their families found peace in that. I have held the hands of the dying as the colour fades from their face and their fingers go cold- and in the last few minutes the most amazing sense of peace and wonder fills their eyes, like they are seeing a world beyond theirs. I've seen patients praying to god while suffering immensely snd distressed and during their prayers, visibly calming down and reaching a point where when they opened their eyes and looked at me, I could see nothing but love and calm in their faces. ive talked to quite a few patients who had near death experiences and come back and talk about white lights, feelings of peace, feelings of love and joy.... And in my personal life I've seen two things that really make me wonder if god exists... First was my mothers father who got early dementia at 40 and by 50-60 he was in a nursing home, unable to walk, talk, care for himself. He stared blankly, not seeming to know any of us or engage with us, But we talked to him like he could hear us- telling him about our lives (us kids talked about school and hobbies). Towards the end of his life, my mother had obviously spent many years grieving for her lost father- who was there but not there. She went to visit him as he was on palliative care (as we all did, every day, so he wouldn't die alone) and apparently he spoke to her- alone. He was completely lucid for the first time in 20 years and he asked her specific questions about things that we'd been telling him while he was unable to talk to us- things we weren't sure he could hear, like my mothers divorce, which happened during this time, and several other things that only happened while we thought he couldn't hear us. But he had heard us all along. it was the greatest gift that could have ever happened to my mum- to see her dad just one last time talking to her and showing that over all those years some part of his brain could hear her and rememberer her stories. I think it changed her whole ability to cope with what happened- she hadn't been coping at all. But after that she reached a place of peace. the last thing wa my personal experience- I have depression and anxiety and after years of seeing the things I've seen, they all got on top of me and I could literally feel myself drowning under them- I sunk I to extreme depression. I rocked myself in years many times a day- unable roc ope another second. Desperate for help, I didn't know where to go. But something mad me pray- to a god I wasn't even sure existed- but I was so distressed i asked, please god, if you're up there, please help me. Nothing changed- there was no flash of light or understanding, i got up from my prayer and felt silly. I looked around my room thinking, what am I doing! I don't believe in this stuff! a few days later I had a nervous breakdown and ended up in emergency doctors care, in complete and utter distress, very depressed and beyond anxiety. That beautiful wonderful doctor spent time talking to me and signed me off work- he wasn't my regular doctor so didn't know my history, but he heard the pain in my voice, he explained what was happening to me, and he signed me off work so I'd never have to go back. but that wasnt the end. Somehow everything that I needed fell into place- not by accident- I asked for help from those around me. I rang a suicide hotline, I got emergency psychiatric care... But suddenly everything that I needed was there- my boyfriend showed his deep true colours in his level of care and compassion for me. I got a psychologist who seemed to understand within minutes what was wrong- and I was in extreme distress- and I'd met psychs before who didn't help me at all- but one session with her have me a profound sense of hope because she understood me and I understood her. I got a psychiatrist quick smart- within a week rather then the usual long waiting list. still I'm not convinced. After all- I went to the doctors and asked for help. I rang the emergency psych teams and at one point took myself to the ED for emergency psych care. So obviously I got help- because I had asked for it. but to me it still seemed like I was getting more than what I asked for- I could have been bounced around the system, I could have got given a psych that didn't help whatsoever, I could have been put on long waiting lists- and being unemployed I simply could have been turned away because I couldn't pay for anything. And my boyfriend might not have had that deep true love to care for a woman so distressed- he could have handled it badly or even left. but none of those bad things happened- I got exactly the help I need and am still continuing to get the help I need so desperately. So I wonder........ Was it all just luck? Coincidence? Is there a logical, earthly, scientific explanation for everything? Or is there some thing more than this- something. That maybe can't protect us from the pain and suffering of being human and the trials we face- sometimes terrible trials- but can give us love and hope to get us through.

I too am ( or was) a nurse with anxiety and depression and completely Get your fear snd dread/ I used to cry every day before going to work and even AT work. I got really anxious, depressed. I tried changing wards, specialities, I got therapy, I swapped antidepressants and increased dosages- for me it was simply that nursing wasn't for me. But I ended up having a breakdown caused by the extreme anxiety I suffered- this was after 5 years nursing and of trying to learn to cope. But nursing just wasn't for me- there was no therapy or medication in the world that would make it ok. So when I broke down and couldn't cope, my doctor signed me off work due to extreme anxiety/ depression made worse by being a nurse. But leaving this way has probably destroyed my career- I imagine no nurse recruiter would ever hire me again because I'm a liability- there is always the chance I'll have a breakdown again. Why would anyone risk hiring such a nurse? But I knew this- I accepted this because I needed to get OUT. I knew nursing wasn't for me so it didn't matter if I burned all my bridges and my career. I am now unregistered- I never want to nurse again. I knew that nursing- not a particular ward or area- but any kind of nursing- that's what was destroying me. Swapping wards wasn't an option- getting out was my only choice. It was nursing in general that was causing my suffering, you are in a different state to me though- you don't want to destroy your entire career., you just want a different area, your anxiety seems to only be related to your specific area. You want to be a psych nurse so you have to find a way to get there without burning your bridges and harming your career now. It's worth remembering that ALL grads suffer in their first year- the first year is the hardest. Remember I tried for 5 years in many different areas of nursing before realising it wasn't for me- you can't give up yet- the first year is the hardest by far!!!! There is nothing in nursing school that prepares you for the real hospital ward- what really happens, the high amounts of stress, the reality you could make a mistake, the stress of seeing people sick and dying. Even mentally healthy new grads are often traumatised and terrified in their first year- this is normal. As a more senior nurse I have hugged many crying, traumatised grads who were going nuts In first year. I have seen new grads turn to alcohol, I've seen them go home crying, I've seen them have to take stress leave. This is not uncommon- infact I'd say many grads go through this crisis. It's just one of those things. There really should be more support for grads- more counselling and therapy to help them cope with the things they suddenly have to deal with!! All those kids just out of college who are suddenly faced withs ll that stress and responsibility! What a stressful time!! But they learned to cope and most of them by the end of the first year were *amazing* nurses. Really truly amazing. They learned to cope. New grads suffer terribly- this is widely known. But they become amazing nurses. You suffer even worse because you already have anxiety. You might be able to increase your dose of antidepressant or even change medications entirely, and with some therapy you hopefully can learn to cope with at least one year or even the two in your current ward- and imagine how good that will look on your resume! Your career would be set- you'd stroll right into a psych ward, they'd snap you up in a second. Learning to cope with therapy/ medication and learning to cope with this anxiety might be the very making of you as an amazing nurse- you could overcome this and become a very resilient, very strong snd emotionally capable nurse who can cope with any stress thrown at you. You don't have to end up where I did. Don't get so sick you burn your entire career. This might be your challenge as a nurse and as a person- if you get the right medication and the right therapy this could be the very making of you!!!! This could give you the stepping stone you need to achieve your dream. Plus if you can overcome your own mental illness- imagine how good of a psych nurse you'll be. You'll know exactly what those psych patients are going through and know exactly how to help them- because you've been there yourself. See if you can get yourself a good therapist and maybe consider increasing your antidepressant if your doctor thinks that would help. if you don't think any amount of therapy or tablets will help you get through this- though I'd give that a damn good try first- then only after you've tried then your only other move is you need to find a way out without killing your reputation and future in your career. You tread a fine line- you need to make it clear that it is only this specific stress caused by this specific ward that is causing your anxiety and that anxiety would disappear in another area- especially your dream psych job. Make it very clear- with backup by your psych- that it's something in your particular ward that's doing it- the high medical responsibility or whatever- and that stress is not present in the psych ward. Make sure they can't possibly think that your anxiety would carry over to psych- it is ONLy because of the ward you're in. But you're still better off trying to learn to cope- that'll be the best result for you and could teach you resilience for the rest of your career. dont give up yet!,

That's what made me realise I had to quit or it would kill me. Someone actually asked me- a dear friend- she said: how would you feel if you could quit tomorrow and never have to go back into nursing again? i burst into tears- the dream of it sounded amazing- It sounded like winning the lottery or finding out some amazing news- what if I could quit!!! It was like "wow. Quit? I can quit!! I'd be so happy!,, oh my god, to never have to go back into any area of nursing again- wow!,," it's not perfect yet- I've only recently just quit in the last few weeks (after getting so ill that I was unable to work or cope). Not having to go back.... That's the best thing that's ever happened to me. i still have underlying depression I need to cope with, and my therapist says that I'm a sympathetic person who has been traumatised by the sad and horrifying things that I've seen- she says the only reason I'm so affected is because I cared sooooo much- my compassion and caring was so great that I couldn't maintain it and literally burnt out. We're working on me coming to terms with some of the particularly more haunting memories- the patients that really haunt me, and also generally healing from the trauma. she says the best thing is that I can learn to turn that compassion and caring towards myself- to forgive myself for not being able to be a nurse, to care for myself the way I would care for a depressed patient in a hospital ward- we can use that compassion to heal myself!! And then I can heal and recover and go into a future where I find a job that makes me happy rather then tears me down. is till wish I'd never gone into nursing.

Sorry for the late reply, over a month! I too have an anxiety disorder and suffer panic attacks. They truly are awful- I feel very sick, sweaty, dizzy, hyperventilate and simply cannot cope unless I run away pretty much- I avoided many things before I got therapy and got help to cope. Now my life is back to Normal! There really is no alternative to therapy. My therapist helped me find the causes of my panic (in my case I feel trapped and unable to escape) and how to cope (eg know where the exits to a Room are, have an excuse if I need to leave in a hurry, sit at the back of the room to avoid embarrassment if I need to step out- near the door). Knowing what caused the panic and having strategies to cope when the symptoms overwhelm really helped me not panic in the first place- because I knew what plan to enact if I did panic! I'm also on an antidepressant which is very effective in balancing out the chemicals in my brain, and it just makes everything easier to deal with- my panic is far far better controlled. Rather than being completely overwhelming to the point that I avoid the things that trigger in (in your case you can't avoid nurse school and you shouldn't! You need to go to school if you want your qualification)- instead my anxiety is very controllable. As long as my coping mechanisms are in place- the ones that my therapist helped me to figure out were the right things for me- rather then some generic crap off the internet- then my anxiety is not a problem. its now just a back thought in my head- like when I go to a place that triggers my panic attacks, I'll automatically enact my strategies- I look at where the exits are, place myself somewhere in the room I feel safe and able to leave, and then I can actually settle and relax. When I feel the panic coming on I enact my strategy, step out to a bathroom to do some deep breathing and relaxing then come back. if all else fails I go and talk to my therapist, tell her what overwhelmed me and why my strategies failed or what it was that triggered it and we work through what happened and figure out a way to prevent that panic reaction in that situation again.

The one thing I really felt from your post was your struggle with the ethics and morality behind the palliative care/ advanced directives of the terminally ill.. This destroyed me also. The patients wanted to die so much- not in a suicidal kind of way- but in a very painful, desperate, way where they feel ready for the next life but cannot go because they are still alive. I became extremely cynical, very deeply distressed- I'm not particularly religious but it made me question some very hard things like why are good people allowed to suffer in pain and we are actually keeping them in pain longer with our medications and machines that keep them alive when they're ready to go. It really warped my view of the world and I started seeing sadness and suffering everywhere. It felt like my heart couldn't cope with the sadness in the world. i tried moving to areas of nursing where people weren't terminally ill- but the general sadness and stress of the ill and dying wore me down. I ended up severely depressed, post traumatic stress, anxious, couldn't eat properly or find any enjoyment in life- I never wanted tog et out of bed. Nothing could cheer me up because I knew that I'd have to go back into work the next day- the dread was making me sick. I kept going because I was in pretty desperate financial times- I couldn't afford to lose my job and I was so depressed and anxious I wasn't even in a fit state to think clearly and go job hunting! I did the same thing you did- showing up late, doing a terrible job, finding corners to cry in. I literally felt sick with unhappiness and stress. And then actual clinical depression set in- I wasn't just sad about work but about everything. I'd hide in a dark room unable to face the world. My relationship with my boyfriend started suffering, I avoided my friends, I stopped enjoying my hobbies and quit them. I literally felt like my energy and been sapped and all the energy I had left was focused on simply survival- getting through the day so I could make the money to pay the damn bills. I didn't know who I was anymore- what happened to the happy, life loving, carefree girl who thought life was amazing? Now it just felt like a hellhole. This went on for weeks before something just snapped. I had a nervous breakdown at work- I burst into tears I front of several staff and patients (talk about embarrassing!) and could not stop crying for hours. Thank god my manager understood depression and refused to leave my side until I made an appointment with my GP- she even sent me home from work early tog et to the GP. I sat in her office holding a pile of tissues unable to even speak properly because I was crying so hard- for literally hours!! She threatened to call an ambulance if I didn't go to a GP right away- I was in that extreme distress. i never went back to work there. I was on sick leave for two weeks and then quit altogether, going onto unemployment/ sickness benefits. I also removed my registration so I couldn't work as a nurse anymore- I'm not registered. My doctor put me on short term sickness benefits while I see counselling and therapy- it's not much money but it'll keep food on the table. But even that act has completely changed my focus on life- I'm actually happy, cheerful, energetic, I get out of bed feeling happy with my day, everyone now comments on how damn happy I am! My family and my partner are over the moon- my partner was so worried about how sick I was becoming,and overnight I've become the old me again- happy and healthy. I'm currently getting therapy and am on an antidepressant (because I have underlying depression) because obviously I need to work through these issues- and I need to get well so I can get back into a new job. Now I want to become a children's teacher- I have enrolled in a course! In the meantime I'll find something to pay the bills- even just stacking shelves at a supermarket, I don't care. Just no more sick, dying people. you need to find a way out- talk to a therapist about how you are feeling. It's helped me immensely to talk to someone who understands and can provide insight and ideas into my suffering, and best of all- teach me coping mechanisms to heal and recover. Find a way to make money in the meantime- even try agency nursing- it's annoying and unpredictable, but also it's lots of variety, lots of different things, you won't be anywhere long enough to become attached to anyone therefore causing you distress. Get counselling. Once your husband is back on his feet you will be able to figure out a long term plan- a different area of nursing perhaps or a new career entirely. no paycheck is worth the mental suffering, there are other jobs, even if it is agency!

Sounds like you're just stuck in a bad work environment. You're clearly very stressed and anxious about certain people and the way things are done in your particular area. Don't let this destroy your whole idea of nursing- just because this one ward/ area is terrible for you doesn't mean there isn't a thousand other areas of nursing where you'd find happiness, friendship, support, and go to work feeling like you can trust your fellow employees and your fellow staff including doctors respect nurses opinions. be awar that nursing, like many industries, can be very mean and you will always find one or two people in any area that are just burnt out, stressed, mean*- whatever. Some people have their own mental issues going on and are coping in ways that aren't healthy- maybe by lashing out and bullying others. It's a stressful world. but it doesn't have to be- there are plenty of nursing jobs and you'll find one where you feel like part of the team, you'll make friends and find support, you'll find happiness in your work. I would suggest that in the meantime you could perhaps try agency/ float nursing- not being stuck in the same area it's same people might remove you from the politics and drama of certain people, and might help you find the area of nursing you really like- it'll certainly pay the bills while you think long term. i also needed to see a Counsellor because I struggle with a lot of anxiety if people are mean to me, or work is stressful and there's new changes going on, or there's simply too much work. It really damages my mental health- and a counsellor helps me talk through what's bothering me and find strategies and coping mechanisms to be able to deal with stress. For me it's a matter of finding that balance- any job has it's challenges and stressful parts but it's about how much stress is too much and how much is just a normal part of working life- Ill learn coping skills to deal with normal stress but fit he stress is simply just insane and unmanageable, well there's always another job out there!,

I struggled with this too- seeing people, sick and dying is stressful and heartbreaking, there's no denying that. It's a traumatic thing to witness someone's last days/ moments, and even more traumatic to prepare the body, perform the last care etc. I am still haunted by the deaths of people I cared for years ago- their names or faces come to mind and I still feel sad. One young lady dying was the reason I left acute hospitals and actually moved into aged care for years because I couldn't watch young people die- it damn near destroyed me. I held her hand and sang to her, I watched the colour leave her face as she died. I went home and applied for every non-hospital job I could find. I got into aged care. At least the elderly have lived long lives and achieved the things they wanted- a lot of them are quite ready for death and are very peaceful about its coming. That gave me peace- to see their peace. Rather than being traumatic, there was something special about caring for someone at the end of their long life as they peacefully awaited the next stage (god, reincarnation, peace- whatever they believed). Rather than be horrified and traumatised, I tended to feel more thankful- thankful they got the peaceful quiet painless death they wanted and could now move on to whatever's next which is what they wanted. Many talked about heaven, god, seeing dead loved ones again- it was very comforting to know they were prepared and content. But deaths till bothered me- I still got attached and would mourn and grieve for my lost patients- I cared too much. Even though I knew they were in a better place- it hurt me to miss them. But I'm someone who is very sensitive to suffering and death- I get very attached and it was like a kick in the stomach every time I heard a patient had died overnight- especially if it was a surprise or a patient I particularly bonded with. I'll never forget trying to comfort an old man who was terrified of death- he knew he was dying and predicted it would be that night (he was right). I also knew he'd die that night, I could see it in his colour and face. The fear in that mans voice I will never forget. What could I say? I couldn't lie to him- we both knew it was the end. He had no family, no friends, no money or belongings, nothing. It was all I could do to hold his hand and swear that he wouldn't be in pain, and encourage him to talk about his belief in god and heaven- this comforted him. My shift finished but I stayed for hours, until the palliative care team took over. i quit not long after that. I was done. My heart just couldn't cope anymore. I don't think that I'll ever nurse again- not in any area, not even in support roles that don't involve patients. I'm going to become a teacher. you could try areas of nursing where there isn't so much death- med/ surg, endoscopy, day dialysis, blood bank, doctors clinic, district community nurse, school nurse- the possibilities are endless. Don't give up yet- I tried for 5 years before I called it a day. In the meantime you should find a counsellor- they can talk you through these nightmares and negative feelings you are having about what you have seen and help you come to terms and to peace with it. They can also help guide you towards finding ways to cope with the sad things we sometimes do see in any area of nursing. Therapists have really helped me. always remember- the only reason you feel sad and haunted by memories is because you cared in the first place, and caring is the most important part of being a nurse. So you gave your patients your care and compassion- they need that more than any drug or medical procedure

Float nursing is awful. There's such a nursing shortage in so many places, surely there are permanent jobs? Even at a differenthospital, aged care, community/ district/ home nursing- caring for disabled people in their own homes is far less stressful and you get to know them personally so you get that feeling of job satisfaction- they appreciate the care so much and become something like friends. I just liked not having shift work anymore- I had a set roster. fingure out what it is that's annoying you- do you love what you actually do for the patients and the satisfaction you get and just hate the current situation where you fill in for every crappy job that someone needs doing? Because thats your answer- hunt desperately for a permanent job. or do you hate the whole thing? I got to a point where I literally couldn't stomach any of it anymore- even the stress of popping a Panadol for someone became this massive panic attack (what if they go into liver failure and die and I go to jail).... It was mental. I never wanted to see a blood pressure cuff again in my life, it got that bad (because if the blood pressure was off, that meant I had to call in doctors and page people blah blah blah....) the stress was literally destroying me. Quitting nursing was the most amazing decision ive ever made in my life. I feel like I can actually breath. No more understaffed shifts, no more "code browns", no more being hit- kicked- bitten- screamed at, no more working Christmas! My mood has completely changed- I'm the old me again- my boyfriend is so happy because I've been so stressed and sad, not the girl I used to be- he was worried sick about me. Now he can't stop smiling at me because I'm me again- happy, cheerful, joking, enjoying life and hopeful for a better future (with no more nursing!)

Oh my, I have just posted a topic talking about exactly the same feelings. I almost collapsed at work- I literally had a nervous breakdown i was that burnt out and depressed. I ended up very sick emotionally and physically and am still recovering. dont let it happen to you! Don't let it get that far! Do some google searches- you'll quickly find that burnout is literally the result of long term stress. Stress wreaks terrible havoc on our mind and bodies and can result in very real physical symptoms including migraines, tummy troubles, insomnia, bad eating patterns, weight problems, immunity problems (do you get sick a lot?) and also mental problems like anxiety and depression. Burnout shares a lot of symptoms in common with depression- I wonder if burnout is like situational job-related depression? If you took the job away, would the symptoms go? You said yes- you went on holiday and you felt better. So I'd hesitate before taking antidepressants. Get the therapy first, change the job, see if your symptoms improve. I am on an antidepressant but that's because I actually have clinical depression not just job-related depression. Though since I left nursing my depression has almost completely gone- it's gone back to being well managed and I forget I have it. So finding the right job is important- any job that makes you sick with stress, anxious, depressed, dreading life- that's not for you. That's your mind telling you that it can't cope- you need to listen. No paycheck is worth that damage. Talk to a therapist. Find one you can afford and talk out your feelings. Therapy is fantastic- it really helps you see things clearly and come up with useful strategies to cope mentally, physically, financially- I swear by therapy. It literally saved my sanity. Through therapy you can work out what your triggers are for stress and depression, how to deal with them- basically how to find peace in your life. The end result for me was the epiphany that nursing wasn't for me- I'm studying to be a kindergarten teacher now and in the meantime will happily work at the supermarket! But your result might be different- a different area, different hours, or like me, a different career. maybe in the meantime work agency? There's heaps of variety, lots of different environments so you won't get burnt out by the same crap over and over, lots of choice of shifts to fit around your lifestyle and family. Lots of extra money because it's unpredictable but that might mean you can work less, and be far more picky about where you work. Best of all- you get to try heaps of different types of nursing which will give you heaps of experience and you might find your true calling!