Getting cold feet

[katiala]

Hello everyone! I've been accepted to attend nursing school this fall. I'm transferring from a community college and am now spending most of this last summer vacation scrambling to get the requirements done (vaccinations, paperwork). And now I've been facing a bit of an issue- I've started to have second thoughts. I'm going to have to spend a chunk of my parent's money that they don't have in order to get the school's health insurance because I don't have any (it's 2k+ & a $500 initial payment). It made me really stop and think that I have to take this seriously (not like I wasn't already!) because now I've started to use my parent's money and I don't want to waste it. Then I started to question myself if this might be what I really wanted to do. That was when I realized my community college classes were probably easier than this university's classes, so I questioned if I was even ready for the classes. Then something horrible and unexpected suddenly happened, my grandma passed away.

I was never really close to her but she'd helped raise me and lived with me for my entire life. I broke down bawling in the ER with my sister and since then I've felt quite empty and depressed. My orientation was right after this happened but I opted to go anyway so I would not miss any information but I soon realized it had been quite useless for me to go because my mind wasn't all there at all. There was a moment when a speaker showed us an ER video of nurses conducting CPR on a child but the kid died anyway. I almost started to bawl because I was still sensitive and it reminded me of my grandmother just two days earlier. The speaker looked at all of our faces and told us that this was what we would have to see on a daily basis and if we can't do it, we shouldn't be nurses. I told my friend later about the incident and then he asked me, "Well, are you? Are you ready for this?" I wanted to answer yes of course because I've always been able to emotionally detach myself from situations to the point where my sister has called me cold hearted but after the incident with my grandmother I realized maybe I'm weaker than I thought I was. I also couldn't shake off the feeling that her death was someone's fault from the rehab center she had been staying at because it was such a 180 change that even the nurses were shocked. My dad mentioned how her nurse would carry so many pills everyday when she did rounds that he wondered if she would confuse them. This hit me with the reality as well how much responsibility lies on the nurse's shoulders and how one tiny mistake could take someone's life. I was already aware of this bit but it just became much more real.

So the question if I'm ready to be a nurse that I used to know how to answer, I no longer know how to. I'm scared I'll end up making my parents pay all this money and only end up quitting halfway. But then there's the "what if", like what if I could end up being a great nurse and loving it? But when what if I hate it and everything goes down the drain, the years, the sacrifice, the money? I only decided to be a nurse on the fly senior year of high school when I was forced to choose a major because I felt I was smart enough for it and I wanted to have a meaningful job that helped other people. I thought it was the perfect fit and I can't think of anything else I would like to be at this point. But I'm having a lot of doubts.

The question is, do I back out or do I push through? Sorry for all the paragraphs, I have a bad habit of making my posts big haha :)

[Nurse Beth, MSN]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your grandmother.

Grieving your loss does not make you weak. It makes you more compassionate.

Nursing has a way of helping us grow...and grow up because it involves our core being. Congrats on being accepted and I hope you will continue.

[NICU Guy, BSN, RN]

I'm going to have to spend a chunk of my parent's money that they don't have in order to get the school's health insurance because I don't have any (it's 2k+ & a $500 initial payment).

You currently do not have health insurance through your parents? $2000 for school health insurance for what length of time? length of the program?

There was a moment when a speaker showed us an ER video of nurses conducting CPR on a child but the kid died anyway. I almost started to bawl because I was still sensitive and it reminded me of my grandmother just two days earlier. The speaker looked at all of our faces and told us that this was what we would have to see on a daily basis and if we can't do it, we shouldn't be nurses.

You were at a vulnerable emotional state and it would not take much for anybody to react the same way. You will not see CPR on children on a daily basis. I work on very sick babies and I see babies dying very infrequently.

I also couldn't shake off the feeling that her death was someone's fault from the rehab center she had been staying at because it was such a 180 change that even the nurses were shocked.

Patients can have a drastic change quickly without any mistakes on behalf of the medical staff. Same thing happens to people outside the hospital. A man is walking down the street without any issues. Seconds later he has a heart attack and bystanders are doing CPR.

This hit me with the reality as well how much responsibility lies on the nurse's shoulders and how one tiny mistake could take someone's life. I was already aware of this bit but it just became much more real.

While there is the possibility of making a mistake that cost someone their life, it is very unlikely. Same can happen while driving a car. One little distraction and you run a red light and crash into someone. Have you stopped driving your car because there is a remote possibility that you could kill someone?

But then there's the "what if", like what if I could end up being a great nurse and loving it? But when what if I hate it and everything goes down the drain, the years, the sacrifice, the money?

I hate to break it to you, but life is full of "What ifs". If you let the What ifs rule your life, you will be too paralysed to experience life. You will look back on your life and realize that 99.5% of the "What ifs" never happened and you wasted all of those potential experiences.

[xxstarrynitesxx]

Like Nurse Beth said, I am sorry for your loss and grieving does not make you weak. Losing someone you have been around, especially your entire life, can be difficult. Grieving is part of the healing process and will help you to connect with your patients and their family members.

If you are still under the age of 25 (or 26??) you should be covered under your parents health care. If you happen to be older than that now, I would recommend seeing if you can get insurance through the government if you are not currently working or fall under a certain income bracket. You may not have the best coverage, but you will have free or reduced coverage!

Lastly, the only person who can answer the question is you as you know yourself better than anyone else. Yes, the classes from what I hear are more difficult than the prerequisite courses regardless of what program you are going into. You did something right though in order to get in. The people who graduate and become nurses are those that are driven, know how to study, or know how to change up their study methods. It will be hard work, but you will have your cohort going through everything with you. Use the fact that your parents are helping you financially (unless you can get free insurance) as a means to help motivate you. If they put in money, then I would want to work hard to be able to pay them back.

Lastly, there are plenty of other fields that are meaningful and will allow you to help other people, but if you can't picture yourself doing anything else then this may be the career for you. I love people and helping them. I could see myself doing a ton of different things, but I decided on the medical field because I had someone die in my arms and I could do absolutely nothing about it. As a person who can prides herself in always being able to find a solution for everything, this pulled the rug out from under my feet. I went from a wedding planner to a college student at the age of 25. I had zero intentions of ever pursuing higher education as I was admittedly, a God awful high school student who relied solely on my brain's ability to ace AP exams in order to get A's in my classes. I made a promise to myself and to the man who died that I would put my best foot forward. I'll be taking my last prerequisite this Fall as I had actually spent 1.5 years pursing pre-med with plans to attend medical school (I personally do not want to be in school for that long because I love working). I have had straight A's in every class and am usually the top student because I made the change.

Allow yourself to grieve and remember that death is a natural process awaiting all of us. I believe that you can get through nursing school and will get through nursing school. You will not experience death everyday in some areas of nursing, but when it happens remember that you have other patients in need of you.

[katiala]

Thank you so much everyone. Your words motivated me to push forward :) I will continue to pursue nursing to the best of my ability!!