I had posted this on the Good Morning thread in the Breakroom this morning, but thought I might get some more input by posting it here as well... I really need some sound advice here, my friends! ?
Any input is much appreciated. While we have options available (assisted living, moving in with one of us, or sharing this responsibility 6 mos. with me, 6 mos. with sis, etc., my main question is how to go about persuading Mom to be agreeable. How to get her to agree to be "evaluated" without threatening her independence or causing her to totally flip out and never speak to us again or running off to Germany or something without letting us know?
At this point, we don't know WHAT she might be capable of ???
OK Guys... this might be lengthy, but please bear with me, as I'm in dire need of some input. Perhaps some of you out there have been in my situation and could offer some much needed advice. 
My dear old mom who is 84, is rapidly deteriorating in her mental status. Physically, certainly age has taken its toll, but she still walks (slowly) and is able to care for herself physically. But mentally, the past two years have shown a noticeable difference. We chalked this up to dementia creeping in, and the changes were slow and subtle. But now, things are moving at a much faster speed, and Sis and I are beginning to get concerned.
While she may be clear one day, the next she is not. She will talk with you on the phone one afternoon, the next day not remember ever having had the phone conversation. This also may happen from one hour to the next.
She is neglecting her bills and getting things taken care of around the house. While she was always meticulous about these responsibilities, they now seem to overwhelm her and she puts them off. Pati is driving up there on her days off just to make sure her bills are getting paid and in the mail, and things around the house are being tended to (sprinkler system, car inspections, basic everyday things that need tending to).
While she continues to drive, even this is becoming a huge concern. She can't remember from one day to the next where her car lights are, how to turn on the windshield wipers, etc., etc. Very scary.
Granted, she has been overseas for the past 4 mos., and hasn't driven her car, nor had to worry herself with any responsibilities... Pati made sure she prepaid all her phone and utility bills before she left.
So while she may be going through a readjustment period and may be overwhelmed right now doing things she was used to doing before she left, Pati says there is yet a very noticeable difference.
Mom has always been one who thrives on having people around her.. she does not do well at all (emotionally) living alone. But she has managed ok for the past eight years since my stepdad passed away and has kept herself active in all her music, singing, theater, and international social clubs.
The scary part is that now, she is losing interest in these, and these were her LIFE. This is what kept her going, kept her vibrant. Now it appears that even this is confusing to her, or that she must exert too much effort to attend them... she has NEVER been this way until now. Still hoping she just needs to acclimate herself to her daily living as she did before she left.. maybe she stayed gone just a bit too long this time.. don't know.
She has a hard time remembering scheduled appointments and activities.. although she keeps everything written on her fridge calendar. Now she looks at them and wonders why these are on the calendar. I can tell you that her "calendar" is a standing joke around the family... she would get depressed if it was not COMPLETELY FILLED with activities to look forward to. 
Now she gazes at it and can't remember why she needs to to what and when, or if she ever wanted to.
I talked with her yesterday on the phone. she begged dh and I to come out again after in January after Christmas as we have been for the past seven years (except last year.. couldn't make it out last year, so I've not seen her in two nearly years). I told her I really would like to see her, that it's been too long, and we discussed my flying out by myself, or dh and I driving out if the gas prices are reasonable enough.
Pati called this morning and Mom doesn't remember ever having spoken with me yesterday. But tomorrow might be another story.. she will very likely be clear as a bell.
OK... soooooooo....
How do we best go about establishing her mental/emotional competency???
We feel it may be rapidly becoming dangerous for her to continue living by herself in that enormous house, not to mention driving, or taking care of her bills, etc. Pati cannot make the two hour drive up there all the time, she has her own life and employment she needs to tend to as well. We tossed about the idea of assisted living, or even having her come stay with each of us, perhaps summers with me, and the cooler winter mos. with Pati in Tucson.
But that would mean she would have to be willing to sell her home, and everything in it, and take only a few items of clothing and personal effects, as our house is tiny, and Pati's as well.
She would FLIP, if we approached her with this. She is extremely stubborn and thick skulled, and we are struggling with figuring out how to do this.. especially if she were to refuse any of the above !
OY... the much dreaded time is upon us. We've had it in the back of our minds for the past several years, but now it is becoming a reality, and it's time to ACT. Pati told me this morning "ok, Sis.. it's time to step up to the plate and be a nurse!" 
Gee thanks. Of course she expects me to have all the answers, and I don't.
And so I come to YOU....
Any nuggets of advice?
Sure would appreciate anything you have to offer. The main thing is how to start the ball rolling and persuade her against her wishes to do what in in her own best interest. Oh dear... THAT is the million dollar question.
