not sure if I can do it much longer?

sphinx, BSN, RN · Oct 12, 2002

Wow, I must say, I am surprised how many responses I got between going to bed, and dragging my sorry self out of bed at 11am this morning! I'l gonna try and address what some of you mentioned.

First, for those who mentioned agency nursing, that's an interesting idea. A question though.....in my original post, I mentioned how I lost a job (ie, was fired)....this was from a large hospital that is part of (at least 1/2) a large health network system in the area, which has narrowed my empotment choices by a lot. If I worked at an agency, would they be able to place me at one of those places? Would I have to disclose I was fired? My last two jobs I did not, I stated I left my first job due to health reasons, which is true. And from what I understand, when they call former employers, the former employer is not allowed to tell them much more than when you worked there. Anyway.....

A couple mentioned perhaps a dx of bipolar.......its been explored that perhaps I may have bipolar type 2. No one has decided if that is true........I have, for the past few years, always taken some form of "mood stabalizer" as part of my cocktail, as an adjunct. I am currently taking Topamax, along with the max dose of Wellbutrin SR. Topamax is fairly new in mood disporders, but has worked well for me so far, and is the one that was recently upped, now we wait and see. I've tried others, some with yucky side effects, most didn't work (Neurontin helped, but I gained a ton of weight).....

renerian, you mentioned your job as a case manager, is this like, for an insurance company? What kind of setting can you do this work in, and how does one get into the field. I'd think with homecare experince, that'd help, having carried a caseload and all, manging most aspects of their care......

For those that mentioned therapy/counselling. Well, currently, I do have a psychiatrist. I've had problems finding a complatible therapist. I had one for several months, and we never clicked, plus her hours were limited, it was more stressful than not, trying to get in to see her, with my schedule. I'm currently looking for someone new, but the availalility of the therapist, and being able to work it into my schedule is still a trick........also, I'm looking into not seeing a CSW, but a psychologist at least.

rncountry....I live in the finger lakes area of NYS. It's a decent sized city, and as far as I know, all the hospitals rotate shifts. Not all have you rotate through all three, a lot have gone to either D/E or D/N. If you are lucky and there's a spot, you can get a straight shift, but only eves or nights. I did straight nights, and liked it a lot, but in the end, it made my depression much worse, screwed with my circadian rhythm and all. I always liked eves, but with 2 school ages kids, I don't like it, because I don't get to see them on days I work eves......and one of my kids is only with me 3 eves a week due to custory/visitation issues, and I've not found managers to be flexible about that, and I've gone weeks where I've seen him only one night a week!

And smiling_ru, thanks for the great idea, some I'd never even thought of. How do you go about breaking into some of those fields? It's not like things you see advertised, and I don't know anyone in some of those areas......do you just get out the phone book and call around, make contacts that way?

Well, thanks for the idea......if anyone else has more, keep 'em coming......weekends are surprisingly low for me, because I obsess on how fast they go, crazy, I know. So-I'll be around.

sphinx, BSN, RN · Oct 12, 2002

Originally posted by Youda
From the sounds of your posts, I think a change is going to be forced on you if you don't make it first (health). Don't let this job, or any other one for that matter, get you down this low, sphinx.

Can I ask, what exactly do you mean? Do you mean that I may once again be let go because the depression will lead to missing work (as happened at my former job), or that I will break down? Or that my depression will be a detriment to my health (recent GI problems) leaving me unable to work d/t poor physical health?

*sigh*, not that it matters.......it is true, things have been bad lately......a few weeks ago, I had an incident where I couldn't continue to work, had to call my boss to have someone cover my patients, and went home, stayed home the next 2 days. Not a good sign. Every day I feel close to tears several times during the day. I can't *NOT* work, though, because without structure, I do very poorly, this is a proven fact! And I DO want to work, do love nursing, esp OB.......I just feel at such a loss.

Thanks again all...... :confused:

Agnus · Oct 12, 2002

Originally posted by sphinx
If I worked at an agency, would they be able to place me at one of those places? Would I have to disclose I was fired? My last two jobs I did not, I stated I left my first job due to health reasons, which is true. And from what I understand, when they call former employers, the former employer is not allowed to tell them much more than when you worked there. Anyway.....

Not necessairly, Simply decline to work there.

I have see a CNA who was fired at one time or another from EVERY facility in the area and works for agency. When agency did attempt to send her to work for us we refused her. But she does work other places where she had been fired from. Perhaps the reason for firing makes a difference at these facilities, or they forgot, or they are just desperate for a CNA. Anyway that is one story.

In our case she was fired for patient abuse. No I do not think they actually reported her BON. This firing took place after a year of accumulated problems with her including sleeping on the job, not doing her work, stealing food etc.

sphinx, BSN, RN · Oct 12, 2002

Oh, ok.....well, at least I definately know I wasn't reported to the BON, I wasn't fired for anything more than calling in sick too much. Besides that, my record was spotless. If I hadn't been so depressed, I'd have tried to get help...what stinks is, I was upfront with my mgr about the problem, and he never once suggested EAP, disability, or anything helpful......just "you have to stop calling in"....and when I couldn't, just couldn't make myself come in, boom, I was gone. The person I was seeing for treatment at the time was less than helpful as well. She knew I was getting worse and worse, and should have recommended medical leave.........she later told me that she didn't, because she thought the structure would help...which is true in a way, I do well with structure......but what I didn't know then, is that there are several programs (partial hospitalization, day treatment, IPRT) that treat you and offer the structure you need. She never once mentioned those options. The last time I ever talked to her was the morning I OD'd, I called her as I was taking the pills, asking for help. She just said go to the hospital. Good advice, but she never once followed up, not ONCE. Except to send me a bill. What a peach.

Ah well, I ramble. This weekend is not much of a respite for me, as my step-son is here, and that always makes for rough times, esp between him and my yougest, they fight horribly! I want to just run and hide and scream and cry!!!!

LPNtoBSNstudent, BSN, RN · Oct 12, 2002

I wanted to make a couple of suggestions. Have you looked into an EAP (employee assistance program)? They usually have plenty of counselors but I don't think psychiatric care.

Also I wanted to mention a book called "I'm dying to take care of you" It is a book written for nurses who are codependant. The basic jist of it is that so many nurses put themselves LAST and so many others first (our patients, our families, EVERYONE). It is a pretty interesting book. We are literally killing ourselves to make others happy and healthy but won't do the same for ourselves. I'm sorry I can't think of the author.

I have to make a mental note to myself everyday to treat myself right. I have found that I am not happy with my life if I am not accoplishing or at least trying to accomplish SOMETHING, however small it is. It took me years to find this out about myself. I used to just flounder out there with nothing to strive for and would be SO terribly depressed. I have found that if I focus on trying to accomplish something, I feel very good. Now, I am not saying this is what you need, but just that you do need to find out what it IS that you need to make you happy.

Ask yourself...When was the last time that you did anything just for yourself (not for your job, not for your family)?

When was the last time you treated yourself to something FUN? (a visit with a favorite friend, a weekend get away, not just renting a movie or whatnot)

When was the last time you were proud of or completed an accomplishment? (Make lists of things you need to get done, and things you would LIKE to get done--even things that aren't chores...like maybe you've always wanted to take the instructor course for basic life saving skills or something like that-put those things on a list)

Life is hard just working and sleeping. It sucks. I have to actually make a concious effort (every day) to bring more into my life than that. I cannot survive on that alone. You can really get in a rut.

I would definately agree with the agency work. You can pretty much pick your own schedule, from what I understand.

I am in school right now for my BSN but for 13 years I have been an LPN. Years ago when I first started working as a nurse, I had a similar situation to yours. All I had to do was figure out myself and what my personal needs were (and start meeting MY needs for a change). Easier said than done. Once you take care of yourself, you will be so much healthier to take care of your patients (and family!)

The best to you...

Youda · Oct 13, 2002

{{{{{{{{sphinx}}}}}}}}

Sometimes everything in us is screaming out that what we're doing is wrong for us, but we keep on going because we think we have to for some reason. In my case, I kept going until panic attacks got so bad that I couldn't drive myself to work! Scary! You mentioned the physical symptoms, the spiraling downward mood . . . eventually, I think your mind and body will make the choice for you, because you aren't listening to yourself! :)

Every place I've ever worked they've rehired people who were previously fired. And, I've cycled back to places I've left under strained conditions too. Usually when I get there, everyone who caused me grief is gone, and the ones who still remember me treat me like an old friend because my face is more familiar than all the new hires around them. Also most places who have you down for "do not rehire" generally only mean "for the next year." Just be upfront about why you were terminated ("medical problems"), then try not to put yourself in a similar situation again. I know after you've been fired from a place you want to hide under a rock and avoid the place. But maybe it isn't as bad as that. The thing is to prop up your self-confidence and remember that you're a good nurse, and employers would be lucky to have you.

For a less than perfect resume, start collecting a list of friends (other RNs) who will give you a good reference. That can often offset any bad.

I can see you doing just what I've been doing, staying in a really bad situation because I thought I didn't have any options. Depression really screws up your perspective, and your situation really screws up your mood . . . viscious cycle.

I sure wish there was something I could to help you personally. I read your posts and hear such frustration and pain, and these little posts seem so inadequate to holding out a hand to pull someone up. But, please know if I were in the same state, we'd at least have a good cup of coffee, maybe some tears, but definitely some laughs, some laughs because we both need a few of those!

sphinx, BSN, RN · Oct 13, 2002

LPNtoBSNstudent....I haven't gone to EAP this time round, cuz I have plenty of referrals to counselors, but the problems is time. used to be, when i started homecare, I had some great flexibility in my schedule......if I had an appointment at 1, I'd just work out my patient visits around it....but lately, it's been too busy to do that. I can ask for time, yes, but askig for time on a regular basis may mean revealing the reason why, which I do not want to do at this junture. Besides, I have to somehow squeeze in my pyschiatrist appointments, appt's for my son's therapists, and appt's with medical doctors. It was worse for a while, up till I finally had a hyst. That helped, now I am not runnign to the GYN all the time, and calling in cuz I am bleeding like a stuck pig and in aghony as well. Also, I actually have the book you mentioned, I just have never read it.It looked interesting and I bought it, but it's packed away somewhere. I guesss maybe it'd be worth while to get it out and read it.

And youda, I really do appreciate your posts. You do and say just enough. Your life experience helps, in just knowing you have been through similar things. I am not proud to say I am handling this weekend so poorly. It's been very hard adjusting to my step son, after being with myn husband 4 years without him in the picture. Tonight I went and bought a bottle of wine (small, I rarely drink) and drank it all but one small glass, and like the idiot I am, impulsively chased it down with 3 vicodin. Surprisingly though, I feel pretty lucid. Now *that* is spooky. I'm not one to to turn to substances, never have been, so why I am not on the floor is beyond me. My husband is probably laying upstairs with the light on waiting and worrying, but I feel glued to the couch down here. I don'y want his help anymore, I don't want to confess what I did, don't want attention. i know I'll ju7st sleep it off, no big deal....knowing him, he'd drag me to psych ED. No way, jose. If it's not one thing or another. I can't handle work, I can't handle home.What is left?