wow!!! i to lost my dad. it had been 2 years ago last month. they lived in west virginia and i live in nebraska. i went home for a visit and stayed there for 6 weeks to take care of him before he died. it was the best and worst 6 weeks of my life. i would cry myself to sleep at night because i could do more for him (because as a nurse we should do more). my dad had lung cancer and with him having difficulty breathing i slept with a flashlight under my pillow so i could be ready at a moments notice. those 6 weeks went by so slowly yet to quickly. my daughter was getting married on july 28th and i had to return to nebraska. on the morning of the day for me to leave, my dad became worse and i called the home health nurse to give her an update of his condition and she agreed that he needed to be in the hospital. the ambulance arrived 2 hours before i was to leave for the hour drive to the airport. i was there when the ambulance arrived and i can still see my dad sitting in the back of the ambulance getting a breathing treatment which was only interrupted by him calling out to me, "i love you" "i love you". i knew then, just like you did, that this would be the last time i would see my dad. he died on august 4th. i talked to him on the phone the evening of the 3rd and it was the best conversation that we had ever had. i knew then that the time was near, it was the up time before the bottom falls out. he wasn't short of breath and he was talking about how much he was looking forward to seeing me again. see i was due to leave the next day to go back and help with his care. i never made it and like you even now i am having difficulty forgiving myself for not being there when he died. i to when i leave work talk to god or my dad asking for a sign if they can hear me. sometimes i get a response and sometimes not. i too after two years find myself missing him so much you can feel it and after i break down and cry i feel better.
your story touched me so much in a way that you will never know and i can truley say, "i know how you feel" so we both can take heart
in the realization that what we're feeling is normal. hang in there!!!!