I absolutely hate whining which is why this is taking a lot outta me. But I feel as though I NEED to let this out or else I'll explode.
[FONT=Arial Narrow]So I'm a new grad. Got my diploma in June, boards in August & started working in July. I work on a neuro/med-surge floor & the first few months went by okay. Actually, my orientation period was great. I felt supported by my preceptors, was focused & only got overwhelmed a hand full of times. I felt like I could handle it. I work the night shift, and my first couple of months off of orientation went by pretty smoothly too. I'm a little shy, & at first the PCTs on my floor gave me a really hard time. They would respect me, wouldn't do the things I asked etc. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I'm over 30 years younger than them =] but that's not my fault right?!?!
[FONT=Arial Narrow]anyway a couple of nights ago I had my first code and death. this poor lady 75 years old, was originally admitted with pneumonia.[FONT=Arial Narrow]The rest of the morning I was a complete and utter mess. It was my first experience with death & seeing a lifeless body. I was so flustered and overwhelmed that when I got home I completely broke down crying hysterically. Ever since then, I've been dreading going to work and checking patients for carotid pulses every hour! I feel unraveled, like this isn't what I signed up for and don't know if I can hack it anymore. I've only been working for 5 months, and I want a different career. The guilt I feel kills me every morning and I don't think it will ever completely go away. I just don't have the same drive as I used to. Either I feel great after work or a complete and utter failure for missing something. There's no in between!
[FONT=Arial Narrow]Anyway I don't even know why I'm writing this on here. Any help or advice would be great, thanks.