You try (just being honest)

[hmmm???]

you try

you say don't let it get you down

don't dwell on it

easy for you

you try live with the heart failure patient who comes in every six months dying slowly drowning in his own "fluid".

you form a bond to make them feel better, feel comfortable, "at home" even though you both know it's only a matter of time

or the "cancer" patient...up the pain relief, watch their skin go waxy as they cheyne stoke outta here

just try

try your hardest when they won't accept blood when you know it will probably save their life

6 hrs, 9hrs to infuse 2 or 3 units of RBC. 9 hours to save a life. A blink in a lifetime.

but they still say no. Really? we do know that the medicine may save their live.

they have to live with it but so do I

what a waste of a beautiful life

how about the unconscious child that nobody knows what happened to?

don't tell me how wonderful I am

i know

i watch people every day at their worst, at their most scared, their weakest, most fragile

watch them grasp hold of their mortality

i live with their illness, their death, their fear

you think i'm strong, it doesn't affect me?

every moment it does, when I don't want it to, that's what work hours are for.

i'm with them all the time. you are my patient. my responsibility. i worry about you all the time

but i can't let it show otherwise they send me to counselling like it's an abnormal response

everyday i deal with your illness but i can't be "involved", i need more resilience

i'm a person too, not the machine you want me to be.

just try not to feel this way. you watch them die. watch them struggle for their last breath. it's worse when they're not ready.

then tell me what a hero i am, what a wonderful role i do.

because i tell you it can suck