You might be a nurse if...

[struggling_student]

*You can drink a pot of coffee and still go to sleep in the morning.

*You believe every patient needs TLC: Thorazine, Lorazapam, and Compazine.

*Your sense of humor seems to get more warped each year.

*You think it is acceptable to use "member" and "lady parts" in a normal conversation.

*You believe the definition of stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven´t fallen asleep yet.

*You believe that if warm wine enemas were routinely ordered, patient complaints would greatly decrease.

*You hope there´s a special place in Hell for the inventor of the call light.

*You believe not all patients are annoying. Some are dead.

*You believe experience is something you don´t get until just after you need it.

*You see stress as a normal way of life.

*You have a tendency to laugh at your patient´s "big" problems.

*You know the phone numbers of every late night food delivery place in town by heart.

*You believe the problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

*You´ve ever been telling work stories in a restaurant and had someone at another table throw-up.

*You write a patient report and have to translate it to medical records because of all the acronyms in it.

*You notice that you use more four-letter words now than before you became a nurse.

*You look in your closet and can´t find anything non-medical to wear.

*You believe all bleeding stops...eventually.

*You don´t get excited about blood loss unless it´s your own.

*Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong and if nothing has gone wrong, you´ve obviously don´t understand the situation.

*You believe if you can keep your head among all this confusion, you obviously don´t understand the situation.

*Everyone gets treated exactly the same...until they piss you off.

*When you get a call telling you the name of your next admit and you can do the care plan before the patient gets to the floor.

*When called for orders, the MD says, "Write them yourself; you know the patient better than I do."

*You´ve ever had to contend with someone who thinks constipation for 4 hours is an emergency.

*Ever rolled your eyes when the 14 year-old says, "No, I´ve never had sex."

*You refer to motorcyclists as organ donors.

*You can eat a candy bar with one hand while performing digital stimulation on your patient with the other hand, and it doesn´t bother you.

*You believe Tylenol, Advil, or Excedrin provides a large part of your daily calorie intake requirements.

*You´ve ever held a 14-gauge needle over someone´s vein and said, "Now your going to feel a little stick."

*You can identify the "PID Shuffle" and the "Kidney Stone Squirm" at 15 feet.

*You´ve ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, "I´m afraid of shots."

*You´ve ever thought, "As long as he´s got a pulse, I don´t care about the rhythm."

*You stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth to cough.

*You think "awake and stupid" is an appropriate choice for mental status.

*You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.

*Your most common assessment question at 2 a.m. is "Why is this an emergency now?"

*You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick.

*You don´t believe 90% of what you´re told, and 75% of what you see.

*You firmly believe that "too stupid to live" should be a diagnosis.

*You have to leave the patient before you begin to laugh uncontrollably.

*You´ve ever had a patient look you dead in the eye and say, "I don´t know how that got stuck in there."

*You have a special shrine in your home to the inventor of Haldol.

*You can think of another 200 examples of "You Might Be a Nurse If..."