TWO QUESTIONS RE: nurse in recovery

[MCF]

(I'm new and I'm not sure how this thread and post business works. But if I've goofed, I'm sure someone will kindly let me know!) I just posted an introduction, but the issues of my recovery got too lengthy.

I was working with Hospice patients 13 years ago and found it very rewarding. People appreciated the work I was doing. But I was in unbearable pain, mentally and physically, and started using morphine which was being discarded. I rationalized that I wasn't stealing, and that I deserved the same care I gave my patients. Yes, I was doing all the right things: psychiatrist, counseling, meds, journaling, meditation, exercise, prayer group, supportive family. But I had not yet been officially diagnosed with manic-depression, which is why I responded so poorly to treatment aimed solely at depression. For almost a year, I used in a very limited manner, and it helped me function and relate to people better. But when I started using IV, things went down hill fast. I almost lost everything, career, family, health, self-respect. Never quite got caught, but confessed in two separate jobs. Wound up on probation with BON in 3 different states, totalling 9 years! Reading some other folks' stories here, I realize how much worse it could have been! I never did lose my license, thank God, but did all the meetings w/ logs, random "pee patrols", regular reports from numerous people...

At this point I want to offer a word of encouragement for you addicts in early recovery - you are in massive turmoil, you wonder if life will ever be good again, you may find it impossible to avoid feelings of resentment towards all the wonderful people trying to "help" you. When I was there, I couldn't imagine how other nurses with a few years in recovery could be so at ease with the program - the huge amounts of paperwork, meetings, urine screens, etc. But I got there too, and that in itself did so much for my self-esteem. ONE OTHER THING: Please, when you send correspondence or required reports to the BON - send them by certified mail. I learned this the hard way - how many times things just didn't arrive, and each time I got a non-compliance, costing over $200 a month. After moving to a new state, it took them over a year to issue my license, even after they stopped "losing" everything that was sent to them! A lawyer advised me to keep a record of ALL correspondence, including phone calls. To write down what was said, and then mail them a copy "just to be sure there are no misunderstandings." She also advised me to contact them at least once a week, in a very pleasant and professional manner, just to keep myself on the front burner with them. Of course that would be if you wanted something from them. All the recovering nurses I know in this state - CT - had lawyers to the tune of $4-5,000. In my home state, MO, and my other residence, CO, nobody had one. When I asked this lawyer what she could do for me that I couldn't do for myself, she said ,"Nothing really." Of course that too might depend on the individual situation.

Sorry, I didn't mean to ramble on. BUT I HAVE A QUESTION OR TWO. I have an organic condition of the bladder which is extremely painful for part of almost every day. I'm on lots of meds, just got scheduled for a pain clinic. This is the main reason I had to leave my last job; also because I have a lifelong attention problem, somewhat responsive to treatment. I was in "case coordination" but was unable to do a sufficient amount of work. I want to go back to a patient care on 2nd or 3rd shift, but I CAN NOT take a chance with unsupervised access to narcotics. I feel strongly tempted, especially with my pain and high stress. In the past I applied for positions as MDS coordinator or treatment nurse, and they told me they wanted these nurses to be available to work the floor if needed. I have been in settings where EVERYONE knew I was in recovery and on restrictions with the State. This doesn't bother me, in fact I would just as soon that people did know.

The best plan I can think of now, as well as working the steps and staying close to my support system, is to get on a supervised naltrexone program, with frequent random urines. I did this before, right after getting off methadone, and it worked for me. HAS ANYBODY HAD A SIMILAR PROGRAM, OF THEIR CHOICE RATHER THAN A BON REQUIREMENT? A BIG QUESTON IS, WHAT IF I HAD A DIRTY URINE? (WHICH I NEVER HAD) BUT THEN WHAT? Where's the accountability?

QUESTION TWO - do some of you fellow recoverees have experience in home care? How do you deal with the patients' meds just being out there? As well as the temptation, I feel that if anything disappeared - which easily happens when people have memory issues - I would be a suspect, and I just don't want to go there.

I'm also looking at other positions without medication reponsibility, such as UR/QA or case management. I'm sure some of you can relate to this and maybe offer some sugestions. Later, Marie :Melody: