I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm not really seeking advice. I guess I just need to vent, get it all out of me. The past couple weeks have been difficult. I have a good job, low stress, good pay but it is in a specialty that I have become disenchanted with. On top of this in my current position I don't really feel as though I'm helping anyone. Helping others is important to me, it's always gotten me out of my own head and gotten me through all the challenges and frustrations that nursing can cause. I decided I would start sending applications in for positions that interested me. I've had a couple interviews so far and neither of them went well and I know why.
I've become a job hopper. In the past year and a half I've held six different positions. I know, it's embarassing, and I'm quite ashamed of it. I also have Bipolar disorder and about a year and a half ago a close family member of mine unexpectedly passed away. In addition to my grief, losing her triggered a depressive episode that was intense and felt unrelenting. I couldn't handle stress, I couldn't handle conflict, I couldn't handle even basic day to day activities. With my judgement clouded, I began making poor choices. I quit jobs without notice stay in bed for a month and get another job, work for 6 weeks or less, quit rinse and repeat.
Eventually I became so sick that I became paranoid and began hearing voices, I was not able to work during this time obviously. With time and multiple medications (which I resent) the paranoia eased, the voices went silent and the depression became less suffocating. Which leads me to my current position which I've held for a whopping 4 months. I was advised by a friend to leave off my resume some of the positions that I held that I left less than a month in and as a result I have large gaps in my resume that are hard to explain. Obviously I can't tell them the truth, the stigma of mental illness is still rampant. So, instead I state the gaps are due to personal and medical reasons.
These vague explanations have not been very acceptable in my interviews. I don't blame them! I look like a total train wreck on paper. I miss truly making a difference as a nurse and I am faced with the real possibility of being stuck. I used to be an excellent nurse and had years of loyalty to other employers prior to this past episode. And the worst part of all of this is that I've only myself to blame. These consequences are a result of my own reckless behavior.
It's very isolating being a mentally ill person, let alone a nurse. I know plenty of nurses grapple with mental illness, but some days I feel very alone. I put on good performance most of the time, as far as covering up my symptoms but it grows tiresome. I minimize my symptoms to everyone, even my husband, not because he's unsupportive but because I don't want him to worry more than he already does. I am grateful for what I have, at least I have a nursing job, a roof over my head, a husband that loves me, and a dog that I adore. But my career has always been important to me, especially since I had to become independent at a young age and became a nurse at a young age. It's just disheartening. Thanks for reading those that made it through.
