RN-BSN Admission essay- thoughts?!

[Jenngirl34RN]

I am applying to RN-BSN programs for next fall, and I am hoping some of you would be willing to look at my personal statement (admissions essay) and give me your thoughts. I was a having a bit of writer's block and think I have been staring it for too long. I would especially appreciate the input of the nursing instructors here. Here are the parameters for the essay (paraphrased):

In 400-650 words

- Describe your personal goals and how getting your BSN is important to reaching those goals

- Describe how nursing inspires you, or how you came to choose the nursing profession

- Describe any obstacles you have overcome to reach your goals, including explanations of any gaps in employment or poor academic performances

I have pasted it here, because for some reason my document would not attach to this post. I appreciate your input.

My road to a nursing career has been a long and somewhat bumpy one. After not working for several years in order to be a stay-at-home mom, I decided to go back to school to get a business degree, as I had been working in accounting and insurance since leaving high school. I hated it, and decided that if I was going to put all of the time and money into getting a degree, it should be in a field that I was passionate about. Medicine has always fascinated me, and after talking to several friends and family members who are nurses, I knew that nursing was the right place for me. My plan was then to complete the classes necessary to obtaining a transfer degree and then transferring to a traditional BSN program. After working as an RN for a couple of years, I would then go graduate school and become a pediatric nurse practitioner. Unfortunately, my beautifully laid out plan had to be adjusted a bit after my husband was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer in June of 2012.

Not knowing what my husband's treatment plans would look like or how much care he would need, I had to think long and hard about how to proceed with school, and if I should even stay in school at all. A traditional BSN program was no longer the best option for me, since they lack the flexibility I needed. The ADN program at Bellevue College became my new plan after the program advisor told me I could move from the full time program to the part time program if it became necessary. An ADN, however, is not sufficient, not only because the current job market is tough for those without a BSN, but because I am firmly of the belief that in this field we should be as well educated as possible in order to be best prepared to give patients the care they need. The ADN, therefore, could only be the first step of my new plan.

I now plan on getting my BSN as quickly as possible through an RN-BSN program, and if I do not get accepted to a program for fall quarter I will keep applying until I do get accepted to one. I plan to work as an RN while obtaining my BSN, and after graduating will still work for a year or two before applying to graduate school, but becoming a nurse practitioner is still my long-term goal. I still wish to work in pediatrics, but now my focus has turned to pediatric oncology.

Even though my perfectly laid out educational plan didn't work out exactly as I had hoped, I am so happy that I will become an RN this year. It has been very difficult balancing school, my husband's illness, and my children's schedules, but doing so has taught me a lot about how capable I really am. I have very good grades, but more importantly, I have discovered through clinical rotations that I love working with patients and that I am good at it. Nursing is what I am supposed to be doing, and I will reach my goals, no matter how hard I have to work or what I have to juggle in order to make it happen.

[llg, PhD, RN]

Quick impression:

Overall good tone -- not to "pity me" or "cutesy" or anything like that, common mistakes for essay writers. You sound mature and calm and in the process of making plans for your life, adjusting as needed. That alone gets you points in my book.

You might want to tighten it up a bit as it seemed a bit long and "chatty," -- but that's a fairly minor point.

One nit-pick I have is the use of the word "medicine." "Medicine" is a specific discipline within the health care field: it is not a general term covering all health care roles. You are not in "medicine" you are a "nurse." Be proud of that. If what you mean is nursing, then use the term "nurse." If what you are looking for is a general term to encompass health care in general, then use a term such as "health care." When nurses say they are in the medical field, it is like nails on a chalkboard to many of us who have devoted our careers to nursing -- and physicians don't like it either.

[Jenngirl34RN]

Thank you for your response llg! You are right, I should have said "health care" instead of medicine. I will make that change.

[Love2Sleep, BSN, RN]

Are you in the PNW? What schools are you applying to? I'm looking at UW Tacoma and Bothell, so I'm trying to get my essays written also. Good luck on the application!