Plz help edit my admission essay

[daydr3amer]

Hi, please help me edit my admission essay for nursing school and give me some feedback. I'm not very good with English and this is my draft. Thank you so much for ya'll help.

Topic: explains your educational goals and how a nursing degree would assist you in achieving them.

I've always been a caring person and that was the reason I work for American Red Cross after I graduated with Biochemistry degree. As a lab tech, every day coming to work knowing I'm making a difference in someone's life is very exciting and motivating to me. I always work my very best to make sure the blood products are save for patients. I take my job very serious, because I know every blood product I tested will transfuse to someone in need and can save their lives. Why I change my career path and applying for nursing school has to do with the death of my grandma. I've left my country when I was 10 yrs old and when I came back for the first time after 15 years to see my grandma laid on the bed disable was heart breaking to me. She fell and became disabling to do daily activities that I'm taking for granted every day. My grandpa couldn't afford to hire a nurse to take of my grandma; unfortunately she passed away not long after. After my grandma death, my grandpa passed away of missing my grandma. It hit me hard that I don't want to see my parents go through what I've witness my grandparents gone through. I wanted to be there and take care of them and my family.

My life has been one great challenge, but the trials that I have faced did not deter me from my goals. Working full time, helping my parents take care of the family and putting my sister through college make me realized I want to do more for my family. My mother has always been my inspiration. She has always been there and supports me no matter which career path I chose. She was once a nurse in the military during Vietnam War. After she got married and had kids, she decided to give up her dream and stayed home to care of the family. My parents left Vietnam to bring my family over here for better opportunities and life. They didn't might work from the bottom up just to see their kids have a better education. I am thankful that I am able to rise above these trials and emerge a stronger and more grateful individual. I'm grateful to be the first person in my family to have obtained a bachelor degree in Biochemistry, and hopefully a bachelor degree in Nursing, I want to fulfilled my mom's dream she has gave up for this family, and I know I will be making my family proud, knowing that I have done my best to realized the goals I have set for myself.

My goal is to become a registered nurse working in the pediatric or gynecology field. I believe nursing will be a very rewarding career and I will enjoy working as part of a health care team. For the people I will care for, I see myself making a difference, whether it is bringing physical, emotional, or spiritual comfort. Knowing the fact that I can help or offer my help without hesitation is very encouraging. I know I have the determination and drive to be successful in this career. I will do whatever it takes to achieve my goals. I am eagerly anticipating the opportunity to begin the clinical phase of my education and start building the skills I will use in my career as a nurse. If I am accepted into the nursing program, I will strive to stay at the top of my class.

[ekidsmom]

I just did a quick review, but below is the essay with some basic grammatical changes. Good luck!

I’ve always been a caring person, and that was the reason I worked for American Red Cross after I graduated with a degree in Biochemistry. As a lab tech, I am very excited and motivated by coming to work every day knowing I’m making a difference in someone’s life. I always try my very best to make sure the blood products are safe for patients. I take my job very seriously, because I know every blood product I tested will transfuse to someone in need and can save their life. My decision to change my career path and apply for nursing school has to do with the death of my grandma. I left my country when I was 10 yrs old. When I came back for the first time after 15 years, seeing my grandma laid on the bed disabled was heart breaking to me. She fell and was unable to do daily activities that I’m taking for granted every day. My grandpa couldn’t afford to hire a nurse to take of my grandma, and unfortunately she passed away not long after. After my grandma’s death, my grandpa passed away of missing my grandma. It hit me hard that I don’t want to see my parents go through what I’ve witnessed my grandparents going through. I want to be there and take care of them and my family.

My life has been one great challenge, but the trials that I have faced did not deter me from my goals. Working full time, helping my parents take care of the family and putting my sister through college made me realize I want to do more for my family. My mother has always been my inspiration. She has always been there and supports me no matter which career path I choose. She was once a nurse in the military during the Vietnam War. After she got married and had kids, she decided to give up her dream and stayed home to care of the family. My parents left Vietnam to bring my family to the United States for better opportunities and so their children could have a better education. I am thankful that I am able to rise above the trials I have faced and emerge a stronger and more grateful individual. I’m grateful to be the first person in my family to have obtained a bachelor’s degree in Biochemistry, and hopefully a bachelor’s degree in Nursing. I want to fulfill my mom’s dream that she gave up for our family. I know I will be making my family proud, knowing that I have done my best to realize the goals I have set for myself.

My goal is to become a registered nurse working in the field of pediatrics or gynecology. I believe nursing will be a very rewarding career and I will enjoy working as part of a health care team. For the people I will care for, I see myself making a difference, whether it is bringing physical, emotional, or spiritual comfort. Knowing that I can help or offer my help without hesitation is very encouraging. I know I have the determination and drive to be successful in this career. I will do whatever it takes to achieve my goals. I am eagerly anticipating the opportunity to begin the clinical phase of my education and start building the skills I will use in my career as a nurse. If I am accepted into the nursing program, I will strive to stay at the top of my class.

[daydr3amer]

thank you so much for your help!! :)