Please help and give me your opinion

[calihelper]

This is my final letter for nursing school... What do u think? Do I make all the necessary point? Do I ramble too much about myt sister? Thank you :) from a student desperate to become a nurse :)

Dear Dean of Admissions,

My life experiences have helped me to realize that nursing is my calling. I feel the best about myself when I am given the opportunity to help and care for others, and It would be my dream to complete the Nursing Program at your incredible institution.

My first memorable experience working with nurses happened at 17 years old when I became pregnant. This time in my life was incredibly scary and I got through it with the help from my wonderful family and caring visiting nurse staff. I was so empowered by the nurses support, education, willingness to help and their positive influence that they helped me believe that I could be successful. I wanted to be the best mother that I could be and I needed the encouragement and reassurance that I was given. It was extremely challenging having a child when I was so young myself. Luckily the nurse was there to help me weekly with answering all parenting questions . I would love the opportunity to impact another life as she did mine.

When my sister Kimberly was been diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia she was faced with a stem cell transplant then later a bone marrow transplant. This had been my first experience with cancer or illness and I spent many hours researching it so I could learn as much as I could so I could understand what my sister was going through. We mentally and physically prepared her for chemotherapy and stem cell transplant .It was a long process but we were with her at each step of the treatments, mentally as well as physically. It was wonderful nurses that made my sisters quality of life their mission. My family was so venerable and clueless as how to help Kimberly, we had to rely on competent, compassionate nurses who we knew would advance the best course of action possible

It was heartbreaking for us to learn that the stem cell transplant was a failure and now she needed a bone marrow transplant. At this point I knew the importance of a bone marrow drive and how it can save someone’s life. I and my family members decided to organize and arrange a bone marrow drive so we could help her find a donor. Our drive was amazing and brought in over 500 people! It was a miracle

Ultimately, My sister didn’t find a match at our drive but two other people did! There is no better feeling in the world than knowing because we had this bone marrow drive for my sister that two other people in the world got a second chance at living and keeping their loved ones around longer. My sister passed away exactly one year after her initial diagnosis. I feel that her illness and death made me who I am today and I know for certain what I want to do with my life. All this experience made me realize that I was born to help people and how much satisfaction it gives me when I am doing it. I am still actively volunteering for bethematch.org and I learned that every person makes a difference and I proved it!

As a caregiver for the Visiting Nurse Association I work in an apartment building with ten residents that are paraplegic or quadriplegic. The residents rely on me and my fellow coworkers for simple day to day activities such as toileting, showering, eating, dressing, cleaning, food preparation, and any personalized goals they have. This job sometimes physically and emotionally draining but the rewards of putting a smile on a patients face is all worth doing it all again the next day.

I have leaned that some of the little things such as a smile or acknowledgement towards your patients and the big things such as to be there with the patients emotionally as well as physically can make such a big difference in a patients life when they are dealing with an illness.I have great compassion and empathy for patients and their loved ones

　

I have began taking courses at the vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv. I have thus far taken Anatomy and Physiology I and II , Nutrition, Psychology, Math Concepts, and Human Growth and Development and excelled in all of them despite the challenges of being a stay at home mom of three children ages 4,6 and 17. It was very challenging at times to balance parenthood and the intensive academics. It proves that I am determined when I set my mind on something.

I am hoping for the opportunity to fulfill my calling through completion of the Nursing Program at vvvvvvvv. I realize that this program is highly competitive but I think my ability to learn through my life experiences, my passion to learn new things and apply them to make someone elses life better is a good indicator that I will successfully complete the nursing program and become an exceptional nurse. My first choice to study at the vvvvvv campus, but if there are is an opportunity and openings in other locations in the state (especially St. Albans) I am willing to travel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

[rockabye]

I think it is really good. It showed your motivation to be a nurse and your experiences with nursing so far. Just needs some grammar clean up (i.e, some commas in certain places and maybe a little different wording here and there), but the overall content was very nice! Good luck with your admittance! :)

[Bandaide, ADN]

Your feeling and internal motivation come through strongly. It looks like this letter is written to several Admissions Officers as a group, rather than to one particular institution. Speaking as an ex-admissions director, that would not be in your favor. Direct the letter to why you want to go to that particular school, and individualize the letter for each school. Mention something about their particular program that attracts you.

I realize that this may be a draft version and you may have done this elsewhere, but I would strongly suggest a spelling and grammar check. You need to look up the definition of the word "venerable", and the sentence that begins "I and my family" needs to be corrected gramatically.

Good luck!

[rockabye]

I have seen a few nursing admittance letters where the OP shares their personal history to prove why they want to be a nurse. What exactly do the instructions say for what to write in the essay? If everyone is to limit their personal feelings and motivation and instead focus on why they want to go to that school instead, it seems like the essays would kind of be repetitive after awhile and boring to read. Just wondering about it since my nursing school never had that requirement to get in. I like reading why people are motivated to get into nursing, even if others feel they are too personal. But then again I am not the one admitting new nursing students either. :)

[Bandaide, ADN]

It is valuable to explain your motivation, but you also want to show the admissions committee that that you know about their particular school. Nearly all the applicants to nursing programs have a strong personal motivation for choosing to go into nursing. If it appears that you are just applying to every nursing school in a 300 mile radius, if they have to choose between you and another applicant with comparable grades, experience, etc, they will pick the one who took the time to learn about their program and particularly wants to go there. They do not want to hear that you think their school is just another place on your list to apply to in order to improve your chances of getting in somewhere.

What are the points that attract you to their program? Do they have new SIM labs? Do they go to interesting clinical sites? Do they have an excellent NCLEX pass rate? Do local hospitals comment that the school's graduates are exceptionally well prepared? Have you been to an information session for their school? Show them that you have done your homework, and that you have picked them and hope they pick you too.

[calihelper]

Thank you all very much for your feedback! I should have mentioned in my original post that this essay or letter is not required. I am choosing to include something with my application to stand out from the rest of the applicants. I am only applying to one school so I am going to researchg facts about the school and add them into my essay! Thank you all!