Personal statements for Pre-nursing entry BSN

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Hey guys, I have 2 schools that require a a personal statement and I really just need some help because this is my second time applying for nursing schools. can I just get some insights or suggestions please? I'm not really good at these.

Here is my old one: 

Growing up in an African home, your education and future career was taken very seriously. My parents were always supportive in the paths that we would end up choosing as long as we were happy doing it. Once I graduated high school, I decided that I would follow in my mother's footsteps and become a nurse. When I was a child, she would use me to practice her assessments, taught me how to take her blood pressure and told me stories about her days at the hospital. Seeing the satisfaction she feels from helping people after working long hours is what inspired my own interest in the field. I’ve always wanted to do something that was challenging and makes a difference in people's lives daily. In the nursing profession, you are dealing with patients and their families and helping them through difficult times. This allows you to form relationships with them and build a level of understanding when communicating with them. Seeing individuals suffer would affect me psychologically, but it also acts as a drive for me to help relieve them from the pain they are enduring. One thing about me is that I'm always looking for ways to expand my knowledge. There will always be new experiences that will require fast thinking and that type of environment excites me. Although you may do the same routine every day, you will have dynamics that will require different approaches to the healthcare discovered to improve a patient's life. When I volunteered at Dallas Regional Hospital in high school, I was fortunate enough to work with different nurses in the healthcare setting. I witnessed how they take part in saving lives, aid patients with extreme conditions and encourage their families to be positive which was very inspirational to me. I hope to acquire those same skills, the diligence to work and have a similar impact or more in the healthcare setting. I believe that I am more than suited to be a nurse. I have exceptional communication skills and I am empathetic toward others. Also, I pay close attention to detail and adapt well to a changing environment. When I set my mind on something, I strive on my determination to excel on it. The nursing profession is very diverse and you will never know what type of obstacles you will experience. However, I’m confident that I can successfully handle any situation that I will face in the future. I know that this profession is the correct path that I chose and I am looking forward to the work I will do every day as a nurse.

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