Personal statement help!

[loliw124]

Hello, I was wondering if someone could give me some feedback on my personal statement. I am currently applying to a ELM in FNP. I am a non traditional student, with a bachelors degree in Biology. Any feedback would be very appreciate it.

Thank you!

Zooming through the narrow hallways of an Israeli Hospital, a stretcher bearing a seven-year-old boy raced toward the trauma room where the doctor called me in to help. Itai, the patient, had fallen from a third-floor balcony, resulting in a severe brain injury. As a medical volunteer, I assisted the physician with inserting a Foley catheter causing my light blue scrubs to become darkened with the patient's urine. Soon thereafter, the emergency room received the results of the head CT and Itai was rushed to surgery to evacuate an intracranial bleed. Suddenly, the room was empty. The cacophony of shouting doctors and beeping machines was replaced only by the pounding of my racing heart. Standing there in the wake of the commotion, I felt both an adrenaline rush and a sense of satisfaction at my ability to help. Yet, I also felt disappointed that my skills did not allow me to go back to the operating room with the rest of the team and help relieve Itai's expanding subdural hematoma. At that moment, my passion to pursue a career in nursing was born.

Volunteering at Rambam Children's Hospital in Haifa, Israel was a life-changing experience. Every day, I was challenged by situations like the one described above. Having emigrated from Uruguay to the United States at the age of twelve, this was since my first foray into another country. Immersed amongst a population with a different language and culture, I delved into medicine for the first time. Despite our team's widely varying backgrounds, our goal was one: to help the patients and alleviate their suffering. Being in this team environment allowed me to acclimate to working in the hospital and forget that I was many miles away from home.

Upon returning back to the United States, I began working toward my goal of becoming a healthcare professional by volunteering at Nicklaus Children's Hospital in Miami, Florida. This opportunity provided me with clinical exposure to multiple subspecialties within pediatrics, as well as to the various roles in medicine, including that of nursing. As I delved into the nursing profession, I was captivated by its' holistic approach, the focus on preventative medicine, and the focus on patient education. Moreover, what struck me was many of the nurses' passion for patient care and the amount of time they were afforded to spend one-on-one with patients. Overall, the independent, yet, collaborative work is what impressed me most about being a nurse.

Although being a student volunteer exposed me to the nursing profession, it also provided me with much more. It allowed me to partake in many procedures, from tonsillectomies to cranial reconstructions. I spent countless afternoons holding the hand of a child who was being prepped for surgery and then sitting with his or her parents while the child was in the operating room. I visited children with leukemia which taught me the true meaning of resilience. Despite how heartbreaking an afternoon might have been, a thank you from a parent or a hug from a child kept me engaged. These experiences positively reinforced my yearn to practice nursing, and, perhaps most importantly, allowed me to feel that same sense of fulfillment that I had felt in Israel.

My path to becoming a nurse practitioner has not been an easy one. Working full-time since high school, I had to balance my work with my education and my extracurricular activities. My loved ones, while encouraging of my efforts, still urged that I consider an "easier" career. I was constantly reminded of the arduous training and the countless hours I would endure in the library. Initially, these doubts gave me cause for consternation, but eventually they only served to motivate me further. As Vice President of the Pre-Osteopathic Medical Association, I mentored underclassmen interested in pursuing medical careers. Hence, I used my experiences navigating through pre-medical training to provide inspiration to others who struggled with the same challenges that I once did.

Moreover, I utilized the club as a platform to reach out to the community, and help out the underserved population. This experience working with the underserved population is one of the reasons I want to pursue family nurse practitioner. I witnessed first hand the lack of resources and the delay in seeing a healthcare professional that made treatment difficult. As a family nurse practitioner, I look forward to filling this need for well-trained primary, preventative care, specifically among patients who have difficulty accessing healthcare.

Six years after returning from Israel, my ability to help has increased. While I am still not able to evacuate subdural hematomas, I have been able to help families cope with illness, elicit smiles from children undergoing chemotherapy, and guide students as they plan their pre-medical courses. My passion for nursing has been reinforced through my experiences. Thus, I have been able to overcome doubts and challenges despite knowing that the road ahead toward becoming a nurse practitioner will be a particularly rigorous one.

[idkmybffjill]

I think it's good overall.

I probably wouldn't use the patient's name in the first paragraph for patient privacy reasons, especially as the name is not vital to the story. I don't think using names is typically wanted in personal statements. It seems like most people either use "the patient" or use a pseudonym.

Otherwise, there are some grammar errors. Here are a few:

1. "Zooming through the narrow hallways of an Israeli Hospital..." - Hospital should be lowercase as you are speaking about a hospital in general rather than using it as part of the hospital's name.

2. "Soon thereafter, the emergency room received the results..." - Comma after CT in that sentence.

3. "Having emigrated from Uruguay to the United States at the age of twelve, this was..." - This is considered a dangling modifier, as the thing that "having emigrated..." describes (you) is not mentioned in the sentence. You can say something like "Since I emigrated from" instead.

4. "the independent, yet, collaborative work" - Should be "the independent, yet collaborative work"

5. "I was captivated by its' holistic approach..." - It should be "its" without apostrophe.

[loliw124]

Thank you very much, I appreciate your input!