Opinion of my admission essay to Professional Phase of B.S.N

llg, PhD, RN · Jul 22, 2010

Having served on an Admissions Committee many years ago ...

I think you are taking a big risk by including the details of your adolescent troubles -- particularly by opening your essay with them. First impressions are important, and your opening sentences raise immediate questions in the reader's mind about whether or not you will be able to cope with the stresses of school. The likely first thought of an Admissions Committee member reading those opening sentence is of imagining you attempting suicide again as a nursing student. Not only would there be pain for you and your family and friends -- but there would tragedy for the school -- perhaps a lawsuit -- bad publicity -- accusations -- etc. No school wants to invite such possibilities and the reader's first impression is that you would be a "very high risk student" if chosen.

While I understand that your past is a very important part of who you are, for the purposes of this essay, you need to "sell a product" -- and that product is you. To do that, you need to make a very positive impression and it won't help your cause to give a first impression that presents such a "high risk" image of yourself.

Start with positivity and maintain positivity throughout. Don't provide them with amunition they can use against you.

Just my $.02,

llg

iPink, BSN, RN · Jul 22, 2010

I just applied to UMDNJ as well. I agree with the above poster that mentioning your past is not good. llg has made great points and should follow it. I had a professor check my essay as well as two others just to get their feedback, which was very helpful. Glad you posted your essay so you could get positive feedback to make the necessary changes.

Good luck to you.

dacacia · Jul 26, 2010

Thank you somuch for your advice. I was concerned mentioning my past my serve as a hinderance, which is one of the reasons I posted the essay for feedback. However, I feel I really should write about this topic, because it is such a huge part of me.

I have edit the essay becaue I feel the deliverance left much to be desired. I have explained why my past makes me a great candidate.

Please read and share your opinion. If you still feel it creates alot of doubt, then I will change the direction of my essay.

Thanks so much!!!

A gross self-inflicted tragedy lead to my heart's calling. At the age of fourteen my encounter with medical institutions and professionals forever shaped my life. From ICU to a pediatrics floor to a rehabilitation facility, something consistent no matter what or where, was the invaluable role nurses play in recovery. I was young and scared and the nurses assigned to my case were not only reassuring they treated me with skill and compassion. I realize early on the difference nurses could make in people lives and I've wanted to be one ever since. My innate characteristics, such as compassion, dedication and discipline will contribute to the makings of a successful nursing student and ultimately nurse. My hopes are the University of Medicine and Dentistry of New Jersey will serve as a vessel fulfilling my calling.

My turbulent young adult years are marked by abuse, neglect, confusion and pain. At the age of fourteen, I attempted suicide. As a young adult I lacked the tools necessary to understand my reality, and without the proper direction it all became overwhelming for me. I just wanted the pain to end. My attempted suicide is a horrible occurrence, however, I know I could not be who I am today without this event, MY life-changing event. I could apply caution and not discuss in this essay what many would concede to be my weakest moment which would forever create doubt in the minds of many, my level of strength to endure life's misfortune's and even in your mind- whether or not I possess the skills necessary to endure the rigors of nursing school? However, I have chosen to disregard such advice because this is what makes me-me and one day an outstanding nurse.

Contrary to what people believe, I AM STRONG, I am strong because I have endured. My attempted suicide was not the worst thing to happen to me by far, but I learned from it, no matter what- life goes on and so will I. I can overcome anything because I have overcome tragedies some people are fortunate enough to live a whole life without encountering.

My miraculous recovery from my suicide attempt instilled in me a purpose of something greater than myself. I have survived in order to touch the lives of many. I am sure I can be very successful at many different careers, however my heart has called me to the field of nursing. I know the career I have chosen is physically and emotionally draining and often does not get the credit it is due, but I have witness first hand the tremendous impact it can make on the world. I feel a deep and profound respect and responsibility toward people around me, especially regarding my future patients may it be through illness, injury, pain, loss, dying, grieving, growth, aging and even sharing in the joys of birth.

My personal definition of nursing is encompassed within my interactions with the nurses I've encounter along my journey of recovery. A nurse should be loving, compassionate, dependable, competent, empathic, responsible, joyful and comforting (just to name a few). All characteristics I possess, whether they be instinctively or through acquisitions along my personal journey of life.

As a nurse my duties will not be limited to care giver. I will have an obligation to my patients and community by educating prevention medicine and means of maintaining healthy lifestyles.

I am a caring, dedicated and discipline individual, the makings of not only what would be a successful nursing student at your institution but the kind of thing UMDNJ wants to be synonymous for-attributing to the making of commendable nurses everywhere. For there is no better dedication and determination than passion, which will serve as my driving force through nursing school and my career within the field. No sacrifice is too great for achieving my heart's calling especially when I think of the wealth of knowledge I will be gaining in my classes and a career in the aiding of saving of lives, curing ailments, alleviating pain and overall improving patient's quality of life.

A career in nursing would best suit my compassion and innate desire to influence and touch the lives of many people. With the embodiment of UMDNJ mission I know I can become a remarkable nurse within my community. I have passion, discipline and commitment, which will serve as my key to success through nursing school and my career. I look forward with great anticipation to continuing my studies at your fine institution.