Nursing Program Essay Help/Feedback!

idkmybffjill · Dec 26, 2017

1. Break it up into paragraphs. The way it is now, in one long block, makes it hard to read, and you don't want to give them any excuse not to read it fully and with total interest.

2. You should focus your essay more. You go from being inspired to go into nursing in high school to nursing being diverse and ever changing to how you are an honest, driven person to nursing being exciting and fast paced to you being born premature and being inspired to be a neonatal nurse--all within around 200 words. It mostly continues in the same pattern. It's way too many different topics at once and most of them are brushed over because after a sentence or two, you've moved on to a different topic. You need to pick a few overall points that are representative of you and actually focus on them. You also want to group like topics together. For instance, you being inspired to go into nursing from the CNA program you took in high school should then go into how you being born premature and the care you received caused you to chose prenatal nursing specifically. One segues into the other, and it makes the change in topic more natural. You want to have that natural progression if possible.

3. Focus on being precise and deliberate with your words. This is an issue I had a lot when I first started college and still have to keep an eye out for in my writing. You have a lot of sentences that really don't convey much or are overly wordy. Consolidating your sentences will also help with your word count.

For instance, with your first portion about your CNA program, you mention impacting/affecting people's lives twice (which is vague and you want to be specific if possible) and there's several sentences that could be trimmed down or combined. You also talk about it being a privilege twice. Instead, you might be able to edit it to something like this: "My aspiration for nursing first sparked while attending a Certified Nursing Assistant program during high school. It was powerful to make an impact on someone's life for the better, both physically and mentally, and I will never forget how interacting with patients both in the hospital and assisted living facility gave me an immense sense of joy and satisfaction. The program completely changed my life and set me on the path to becoming a nurse." Even with adding the last phrase, that's 31 less words with the most of the same overall information. Once you're organize the rest of your essay, do that with the rest.

4. Perhaps add more specifics about why the school you are applying to will give you want you need in a program over another school. This will show them that you are specifically striving for this program, not just any program, because you've put time in researching what it entails and represents.

You do this in one sentence, where you talk about how the staff are compassionate, etc, but the rest of it feels like it could be written about any program. What is it about this program that speaks to you that wouldn't be true for all the other programs in your city? For example, one might talk about how certain principles in the program's mission speaks to one's nursing philosophy or how one prefers the concept-based program the school offers. Someone might talk about how the staff are dedicated and knowledgeable, as shown by their reputation and high NCLEX pass rates.

MoNiqueRN2b · Dec 26, 2017

Thank you so much. This was very helpful. I will make those changes and resubmit. Thank you again.

MoNiqueRN2b · Dec 27, 2017

Okay I'm back. Here is my revised one:

My aspiration for nursing first sparked while attending a Certified Nursing Assistant program during high school. It was powerful to make an impact on someone's life for the better, both physically and mentally, and I will never forget how interacting with patients in the hospital and nursing home facility gave me an immense sense of joy and satisfaction. The program completely changed my life and set me on the path to becoming a nurse. I was born premature and I've learned the critical thinking and emotional empathy it involves. The care I received during the most crucial part of my life caused me to choose prenatal nursing. Through this experience, my interest to become a neonatal nurse was inspired.

I want to make a significant impression on patient care and I believe this is my way of giving back. Being a nurse is a great honor and responsibility. Someone has trusted me enough to care for their loved ones and it is up to me to do all in my control to accomplish the task at hand and attest trustworthiness. This past spring, my cousin was rushed to the hospital with a fatal gunshot wound to the head. At that time, I was in my spring semester learning about the nervous system, particularly the brain. As I and my family traveled weekly to go visit my cousin in the hospital, the determination in me burned to come out and do what was required to help him. The nurses allowed me to help where I could and they were extraordinary. It meant the most to me that I could participate in any way possible. I appreciated how they explained every detail in a way that not only I understood, but also related back to my studies. I know that they did all that they could and they treated him wholeheartedly. This profession is where I desire to be and my experiences continue to confirm for me that nursing is the only route I want to take.

I researched that the first class of nursing students for GGC began in 2014. Ever since then, the program has graduated three more nursing classes and they've achieved a 100% employment rate prior to graduation. This alone shows the great reputation made by this institution that I would like to be a part of. Georgia Gwinnett's program proves to have educators that serve as nursing role models that will provide me the skills to deliver safe, effective and compassionate care like no other. Described in their nursing philosophy, they will teach me to improve holistic health and promote positive transformations in healthcare. I have attended for two years now and wish to continue my education here. I know that through Georgia Gwinnett's nursing program that I will achieve my goals, and that this program will prepare and educate me for my future in nursing. I don't just want to be a nurse, I want to be a graduate of Georgia Gwinnett's Nursing Program.

Reincarnated · Dec 28, 2017

"I was born premature and I've learned the critical thinking and emotional empathy it involves." - The reader does not know what you mean when you say "it"? Are you referring to the critical thinking and emotional empathy involved in a nurse caring for a premature baby? Be more specific.

Also, "I've" is an abbreviation that should not be used in professional writing. Write "I have" instead.

"determination in me burned to come out" - Is burned the right word choice here?

MoNiqueRN2b · Dec 28, 2017

Thank you. I will be revising it.