The Drinkers Fault Finding Guide

  1. Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
    Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
    Solution: Buy another beer and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many beers as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

    Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; Beer unusually pale and clear.
    Fault: Glass is empty.
    Solution: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

    Symptom: Room is spinning.
    Fault: Somebody is spinning your barstool.
    Solution: Vomit on person doing the spinning.

    Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
    Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
    Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

    Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
    Fault: Loss of self-control.
    Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

    Symptom: Lap cool and wet.
    Fault: Drooling on yourself.
    Solution: Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.

    Symptom: Bar blurred.
    Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
    Solution: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

    Symptom: Bar moving.
    Fault: You are being carried out.
    Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

    Sympton: Bar looks like a circus.
    Fault: You're at a circus.
    Solution: Go to a bar.

    Symptom: The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
    Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
    Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

    Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
    Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
    Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

    Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
    Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
    Solution: Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat yourself to a lay in.

    Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
    Fault: The pub is closing.
    Solution: PANIC!!
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