Halloween Safety Tips

betts · Sep 17, 2002

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead. It isn't. Trust me.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. Do not search the basement or attic, when the power goes out for some inexplicable reason.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin, Sanskrit or any other language that they should not know, shoot them immediately. Althought this seems harsh, shooting them will save you much grief in the long run. Note that it will take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This tip also applies to anyone who speaks using someone else's voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, never go off on your own, this is simply inviting the gods to drop a rock on you.

6. As a general rule, don't play games, solve puzzle boxes or answer riddles that open portals to Hell. In most places this is considered rude.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This rule also applies to any other house of the dead.

8. If you are searching for something that caused a loud noise in the basement of a mysterious mansion and find out that it was just the cat, get the hell out. Fast.

9. If household appliances or power tools start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits.. Just get the hell out of the house.

10. Do not take anything from the dead. No matter how pretty it is, or how much you like it, it's bound to disagree with you sooner or later.

11. If you are driving down an old country road and you come across a town that looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around, just keep driving.

12. Don't mess about with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing.

13. If you're running from a monster, don't constantly look behind you, you will fall down. Also expect to trip or fall down at least twice--more if you are female and wearing high heels, so take this into account. Do not forget that despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

14. If your traveling companions suddenly begin to exhibit

uncharacteristic behaviors such as hissing, fascination with blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

15. Always try to stay away from ill starred geographical locations, particularly those which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Haddonfield, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're already in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, and any small town in Maine, Maryland, or Massachusetts.

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to use the telephone. If you think that it is strange that you ran out of gas because you had just filled up 10 miles back, shoot yourself in the head. You are going to die anyway, probably in a far more unpleasant fashion, and you will most likely be eaten.

17. Beware of strangers in your neighborhood particularly if they are carrying tools like chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, lawn mowers, butane torches, soldering irons, and ice picks. Also, be wary of anyone driving a combine.

18. If you discover that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with your parents. This rule also applies to houses whose previous inhabitants went mad and murdered their families, committed suicide or died in some other horrible fashion.

19. If you live in some part of the world where werewolves are common and you hear noises in the barn, do not assume that it is your cousin making a late night visit. Bar the door, lock the windows and sit in your kitchen with all of your silver knives, newly sharpened, and a flame thrower and shoot the

first thing that comes through the door.

20. If you live in some part of the world where vampires are common and a tall, pale stranger knocks on your door at night, do not invite him in for tea. Bar the door, lock the windows and sit in your kitchen with all of your silver knives, a pile of garlic and a flame thrower and shoot the first thing that comes through the door.