Not a discussion, just a poem

[munchkins88]

Please excuse my lack of grammar if there is any. I'm pouring my heart out in this as I feel I must. I'm going through a rough time in my life at the moment.

Finding light in a dark place

Alone in my darkness for which I put myself in. I have made mistakes and it might cost me my career.

I'm too tired and to angry to leave, I feel the darkness within.

I have no fight. I'm not looking for the light.

With this darkness I feel pain, anger, fear, sadness and loss. Loss of job , identity and postive thoughts.

All I want to do is sleep and forget it all. My life has stalled.

My eyes stay closed, I see no light.

I slowly wake up but still too weak. Drag myself out of bed to see my doctor for the help I seek.

He saw the pain and the darkness I have held secret for so long, trying to fight on my own.

He gave me zoloft and said " I want to see you in 4 weeks"

I take the medication as prescribed. The first 2 weeks were hell, I will not lie.

I learned that heavy drinking and meds do not mix.I blacked out and said over and over "I want to die, Just let me die"

I kept trying to stop breathing in hopes I would see a different type of light. I fell asleep and dreams of slicing my arteries with a knife.Something wouldn't let me that night and I survived.

Now I'm searching, where is that damn light?!!!

A week goes by, and for I finally have sight. Still in my darkness but now I'm searching for a sliver of light.

I found the will to get up and move, even if it was just to eat. Even that I felt was a feat.

I have some energy to go and seek that light I need.

Days go by and slowly I can do more. I start to feel like I used to before.

I start to feel smile and feel happy , if only for awhile.

I'm seeing something as I delve further, it's a sliver of light !!

I run towards it full tilt. All of a sudden, I stop. I'm barricaded by heavy stones of anger, doubt and guilt.

I can no longer move, the only way I can is to face and reflect on my mistakes. I slowly refelect, accept responsibility and forgive myself. Slowly I feel less weight. I can't lose my light!

I'm still in my darkness but I know there's light. The stones of are in my way, but facing them is worth the fight. With less stones I begin to see all the beauty of life that is in front of me.

Once those stones are gone and I become free , I still won't know what will become of me.

I don't where the light leads me, to which path I will take. All I know is I must learn to forgive myself and accept my mistakes.

My depression may never leave, but with some reflection and self forgiving, I'll remember why life is worth living.

My chapter as a nurse may be closed with uncertainty..

I'm rediscovering myself and who I am to be.

To all fellow nurses and doctors out there , don't forget about yourself and please practice self care.

We care and teach for patients , but we forget to be self aware.

You are more than what a piece of paper says you are. You are a human being who loves, has emotions and carries scars.

If you feel depression or feel you can't cope, seek help, there is hope.