New Grad RN bad fit, quit, resign?

[M1026L]

Hello,

I could really use some perspective and advice for those that have been forced to resign, had preceptor problems and those that stuck it out. Sorry, it's really long, I've been holding in a lot.

I've recently started at a magnet hospital high acuity Peds floor. I'm starting my 4th week of my 8 week long orientation. so far things have been extremely rough. The organization of my new grad program has not been ideal. My unit specifically has someone filling in as their new grad coordinator/educator who is also taking on multiple other roles. They are "trying" him out this time around and much of the staff is upset with his organizational skills.

There are a lot of burnt out nurses on my unit.I can tell it's a sink or swim culture. One preceptor told me to watch out and that people are just waiting for me to fail and will push me to my limits to see if I can handle the stress.We have a high acuity floor, cardiac & liver tx, neuro, sometimes oncology. VAD pts, all on TPN, transfusions, tele, you name it, we do it (w/ the exception of dialysis and chemo).

My unit(PEDS) and the PICU have had our new grad classes together (about 3-4x per week). Their unit is very organized(schedules ready on time, structure) and the training is geared towards them. Peds people are more like stragglers. The nurse educator from the PICU is always present and ours from peds is never there. Therefore, we get taught the PICU way and the PICU unit culture, not ours. They made it clear over and over that if we feel we aren't paired with the best fit preceptor and are having trouble to come to them immediately. They said "it happens, no big deal, please come to us EARLY so we can do something about it."

PRECEPTOR PROBLEMS

-->so far I've had 4 different preceptors and will have 3-4 new ones when I switch from night to day shift. FYI this was set up this way before I tried to change my preceptor.

I really didn't click with the 1st preceptor I had for the 1st week and a half. Really intelligent, great RN, but very different learning styles and poor communication. I went to my supervisor, refrained from complaining, explained why wasn't a good fit and I was worried I wouldn't progress well with her as my preceptor. He didn't change me and ignored the problem. After growing frustrations due to our inability to effectively communicate, I reached a boiling point. We never developed a bond, or trust b/c we just didn't click or see eye to eye.

Manager was unavailable b/c it was Saturday, so I called the charge RN to see what they thought about the situation. I let him know things were really rough and I was having a hard time, thought it would probably be best if I had different preceptor that night until I could speak with him in person. Charge RN said he could switch me no problem and would run the schedule change by the manager. Not realizing speaking to the manager was even an option up until then, I asked if he could have the manager ultimately make the decision and call me with what he thought was best.

My manager clearly felt insulted by this. Apparently the charge RN(i'm assuming) told my manager he changed the schedule because I demanded a new preceptor for that night! My manager called me with so much hostility, might as well have been yelling, saying "what makes you think you have the right to change your preceptor, huh?!? You can't just fire your preceptor. How dare you! I could keep you with that preceptor for the rest of your orientation and you would just have to take it!"

I was SO caught off guard, not even understanding what was going on. We eventually worked it out, but only after he pulled every single employee aside to talk about me and ask what they thought of me. He called me in for a "meeting" and basically handed me my ass. Told me not to close the door b/c what we said was everyone's business and they all know what was going on anyway, no secrets on that unit.

He made me so defensive, and coerced me into giving specific reasons of why I wanted a new preceptor. For example, my preceptor said I held tubing awkwardly and would try to grab the tubing from my hand without warning to show me her "better way." I told him this was too aggressive for me and I needed to do things MYSELF to learn. I'm visual, hands on. He came back with, "we encourage our staff to grab things away from people that aren't safe!" I'm not sure how I wasn't "being safe" in the med room, playing around with tubing I could have easily just re-done or re-primed if there was any question about my sterility. My point being that I, MYSELF, need to do things HANDS ON to learn and my preceptor was too much of a control freak to let me do things, practice things. Even my clinical notes in charting weren't good enough for her and she would make me change the most ridiculous things, " pt remained afebrile, VSS" to "VSS, afebrile"...really ridiculous, OCD stuff. Also would tell me to chart things I hadn't seen or heard during assessment. When I said I didn't feel comfortable doing that b/c I personally hand't seen it or done that assessment she was upset. I told her she could chart it since she saw it.

After the meeting with my manager, I felt like I had been slapped and hugged at the same time because at the end he told me he "has my back" and he took it as a personal insult that I didn't feel like I was progressing in the program under his watch. Said it made him feel like he was doing a bad job. We agreed to move forward.

Well now my preceptor and all her friends hate me. It's very tense and awkward on the unit.

I think they are really over the top, which i get, it's peds! However, they are very overbearing. One of my preceptors is always criticizing me about how i am "scrubbing the hub," saying...

"scrub harder, faster, just the top, not the sides, faster, but faster!" "Don't touch the alcohol swab so much before you scrub!"

**Example**While drawing blood for labs

ME: "Am I doing this correctly?"

PRECEPTOR: "ummmm, ehhhhhhhhhhh, I guess."

ME: How can I do it better, push/pull faster, slower, etc?

PRECEPTOR: ehhh yeah, just do it the right way, you know? The proper way.

ME: So what I am doing is fine?

PRECEPTOR: ehhh yeah, I guess. I mean I wouldn't do it like that.

LOL no guidance whatsoever.

PHARMACY

the pharmacy gets things wrong pretty much every time meds are due. They will put the wrong medication in the correctly labeled bag or not have drugs ready or in the pyxis, then want us to walk to the pharm to pick it up!

CONCLUSION

It makes me so anxious and scared. I don't feel that I have enough guidance. Hey, maybe I am picking up things too slowly, or am not presenting with enough confidence which leads some preceptors to be less trusting. I don't really know, I can't blame it all on my unit and preceptors. However, I've had some preceptors there tell me I pick things up quick and really guide me through things like I need.

I honestly feel like I am at risk of being fired if I keep going down this path. I've made waves in my unit--not a good thing. I hate the culture of my unit, very unsupportive. I don't think peds is for me. The culture of safety there is nonexistent. I am so nervous with certain preceptors I just can't seem to do anything right, I clam up and make more mistakes. When I'm with the people that are nurturing, I do GREAT! I have great nights, we get along no problem and I feel confident.

QUESTIONS

I've heard of so many people being let go because it just "didn't work out." How do you recover from being let go or (forced)resigning from your new grad job? and How long did it take you to recover? Will a hospital ever hire you again? What are some acute care options to be in outside the hospital if I get let go, aside from long-term care facilities?

I'll hang in there until I'm definitely let go, but I literally cry every day, feel like throwing up every day I work, have lost 10lbs (my scrubs don't even fit anymore) and just feel so crushed when I'm at work. I'm in my late 20's now, have a husband, and eventually want kids. I'm tried of being stressed all the time and want a simpler life, you know? I'm just not as intense as I was when I was 21. Sucks it takes so long to accomplish things. 5 years ago when I began this journey I would have loved a unit this challenging, but right now, it just doesn't seem worth the stress sometimes? IDK, is this how new grads are supposed to feel, am I a total idiot, or is my unit crazy?.....