New grad emotionally distraught and a wreck

[JARNBSN]

Hi I am new to this site. I would like to explain my story and maybe get feedback from others. I got a job in a public government funded hospital through a new grad internship med sur program. We had to sign a 3 year contract plus agree to an automatic pay deduction of 5% every pay check and I would be part of the float pool. I knew this hospital was no good but I applied everywhere else and I was not chosen because of no experience so I felt the need to take this job. The internship went fine but was a bit short to me (3months). During that time the hospital set a new policy that because of financial situations we would have to take mandatory 24 hour furlough days (days without pay or work) per month. I was upset at this because it took days from our internship, we complained but they did not care and our union did not win the fight against this policy. So I was put to night shift which I was ok with even though I knew the stress I would put my body through adjusting to this. Since I have been on my own with 7-8 Patients and the amount of paperwork to go with it along with the medications I just don't feel safe due to the lack of time to really find out about my patients their labs and their medications. I am in a specialized floor not medsurg like they promised me, I am on a neurosurgery/orthopedic/ortho trauma the floor is too fast paced for a beginner like me and with the amount of pain medication each patient gets along with all their other meds and every hour checking on their hemo VAC/ lumbar drains and turning all my quads and paras (with no pct at night) I just dont feel safe and see all the other nurses not being safe either. It terrifies me! Then finding the time to chart hourly along with all other needed task, I just don't feel I can do it safely, I worked too hard for my liscene to lose it so quickly. We have to write our meds on paper cause we have no electronic computer on wheels to scan patients half the charting computers are broken,you cant understand the chicken scratch the doctors write and when u call them to varify the orders they scream at you and degrade you. My fellow nurses are not supportive and question everything I do but never offer advice or help when they see me drowning. Every day before work I spend hours crying in bed my husband is worried about my emotional well being and honestly I am too. I don't sleep or eat well, I spend my days crying even in the middle of the night. During my shift I have to walk to the bathroom and recOver myself from my break down into tears, many times they start to occur as I'm in a patients room or in the medication room. I end up getting all the new admission in the night which is a whole other paperwork to fill out. Now the hospital will start deducting an additional 3% from our pay checks. I can't take this any longer for my own health I am being over worked, treated badly,taken advantage of, and all the patients treat us nurses badly(we have a terrible population of patients). I don't even enjoy my days off because I know I will have to go back to that terrible nightmare. I love nursing but I don't think bedside or hospital nursing is for me. I am looking into getting my MSN/MBA with health care management or getting into case management. But I need to get out of this contract even if I have to pay those $5000 they ask for even though everything they promised me has been a lie plus additional deduction of money!That should be a completely different contract and should therefore void mine. I am getting paid 31 dollars with differentialS and it is not worth what I am going through. I am miserable and it only been 6 months, no one should feel this way its not healthy. I need to get out before I have a complete breakdown physically and emotionally.