Need help!!! Recruiter/Hiring mgr question...

[Abishag]

I received a phone call from a recruiter this week wanting me to send in my goals & objectives for the new grad position along with clinical references. I've been applying since October and this is the first real interest I've been shown. So now of course I'm afraid to screw it up. My question is, do they want it to sound ultra-professional (bordering bland) or do they want to hear your voice?

For instance, which of these sounds better to you?

original:

Of the various areas I worked in, tertiary care, especially critical care, was the most interesting to me. I enjoy the critical thinking and fast-paced environments in the intensive-care units. Therefore, a short-term goal is to find a position that will allow me to gain experience learning about the various body systems and the effects a disease or trauma can have on each one.

or more professional:

My short-term goals include obtaining a position that will allow me to gain knowledge and experience working with the various body systems and the effects a disease or trauma can cause. I would use this position to develop and exhibit my critical thinking and the most advanced nursing skills that I can gain toward becoming a Critical Care Nurse

If any recruiters or hiring managers have input too that would be great!

Which do you think the recruiter would be more interested in reading??

[llg, PhD, RN]

I think they would appreciate less wordiness. I would submit something "in between" the 2 that you suggested -- but definitely with fewer words. People who hire people on a regular basis don't want to wade through BS and/or fluff. Be crisp, clear, and concise. Put the pleasantries in your cover letter where they belong rather than in your objectives.

[stripec30]

(Insert fluff, story, etc.) blah, blah, blah... during nursing school I found myself drawn to critical care. The aspect I enjoy most is the critical thinking and fast-paced environment, coordination of multi-discipline health care providers and the continued opportunity to learn. If given the opportunity, my goal is to be a small fish in a big pond, learn as much as possible and become a fully functional, competent critical care nurse.

... or something along those lines. Bad grammar not withstanding you want to do both--present yourself and also use the key words.