need help with personal statement for FNP program

[mickeyD2489]

Hi all!

I'm looking for some help with my personal statement for FNP school. I've been working as an RN in a MICU at a teaching hospital for 3 years and am ready to move toward primary care. I don't have "experience across the lifespan" since I've only worked with adults so I'm trying to emphasize my original passion for Peds. They say you should admit to lacking experience and say how you plan on getting that experience in your personal statement but I'm not quite sure how to work that in.

The school I'm applying to doesn't do interviews so this is my only shot. I won't be offended if you think its awful so be honest! Let me know what you think, and if I properly answered the following questions:

1. Provide a statement describing how your work experiences and professional interests have prepared you to be successful in the graduate program to which you have applied (I.e.: the specialty track such as FNP, Adult CNS, HSM).

2. Discuss how completing the graduate program you have selected (I.e.: the specialty track such as FNP, Adult CNS, HSM) will help you meet your professional goals.

3. If you are applying to a Nurse Practitioner program, describe how you see yourself working specifically in the advanced practice Nurse Practitioner role.

Here is my draft so far:

My interest in nursing started when I was fifteen, working as a lifeguard at a family aquatic center. When I became a manager, I was able to educate my co-workers on CPR and first-aid techniques. I learned how to triage very basic first-aid skills like heat stroke and exhaustion, bee stings, scrapes and cuts. I educated my co-workers on CPR, AED usage and the heimleich manuever. I truly enjoyed teaching and realized my strength in educating and helping others to understand the medical reasons behind certain life-saving skills. On the job, I also realized my aptitude for customer service while providing care, a skill that I hope to use in my role as a Family Nurse Practitioner.

In college, I developed an interest in pediatrics, and chose my Senior Capstone Project on a Neurological Pediatrics floor. I spent 100 clinical hours working with a preceptor, and eventually was caring for 2-3 pediatric patients on my own. When I graduated nursing school, I hoped to begin my career in Pediatrics. I received my very first nursing job working in a family practitioner office. I learned a lot about the importance of education and prevention. However, I felt limited and worried I would lose my nursing and assessment skills that I studied in my undergraduate education. I decided to apply to Loyola, noticing the similarities in education philosophy and Jesuit ideals that were emphasized at my alma mater: Marquette University. In December 2011, I began my career as an RN in the Medical Intensive Care Unit. I immediately fell in love with the fast pace of the ICU, the patient population and the learning opportunities a teaching hospital offered me. Working with the multi-organ failure population in the MICU has exposed me to a broad spectrum of knowledge on a variety of body systems, giving me a good base of experience to start my masters degree. However, working on this unit has revealed a community deficit in education on preventable disease, such as COPD, diabetes II, heart disease and alcoholic cirrhosis. I want to work in primary care, where I can recognize modifiable risk factors and help patients to take healthy steps towards preventing disease. As a Family Nurse Practitioner, I can return to my passion of pediatrics, while pursuing my desire of educating across the lifespan to prevent modifiable diseases.

I love being a nurse, but recognize my yearning for further education. An advanced degree will increase my overall understanding of the science of nursing and allow me to work in primary care setting where I can help to prevent some of the critical and chronic illness I have encountered in the MICU. A Nurse Practitioner degree will allow me to diagnose, prescribe, and manage the overall care of a patient with an emphasis on prevention and education throughout the patient's lifespan. It will also allow me to draw from my nursing experience with a holistic approach of listening and learning from patients in the process of educating and providing care for their health needs. As a Nurse Practitioner student, I will bring my eagerness to learn and an enthusiasm for patient care each and every day.

My work and education thus far have helped define who I am, and who I would like to become. I have selected your program because of your excellent academic reputation and my personal beliefs in the Jesuit Catholic ideals of working to expand knowledge in the service of humanity through learning, justice and faith. Loyola offers the excellence in education with classes and faculty that will best prepare me for a career as a Nurse Practitioner through transformative education. I feel I am ready to succeed in your program. Thank you for your consideration.

I really appreciate any and all input. Thanks guys!

[BlackSkimmer]

mickeyD2489: I don't have any experience in nursing yet, but I have plenty in professional-quality writing, so here's my feedback:

1) Your details are effective at communicating your experience and knowledge as well as where you'd like to grow. The essay is overall well-written and obviously written by an intelligent, thoughtful person.

2) I suggest beginning the essay with a story from your experience--very short, but clear--that illustrates your main point. I understand your main point to be that you want to get an education that will enable you to provide care at a deeper level through education across the lifespan. My point here is the old writing adage "Show, Don't Tell." Start your essay with a story, touch back on the story at the end to make it a complete package.

3) Your last paragraph is lonely and not well-grounded. You say you want to go to Loyola for x, y, and z reasons, but you give no evidence for that in any part of your essay. I want your essay to show the reader that there is a lack in your work that a Loyola education (and no other education) will fill. You have not shown the reader that you have personal beliefs in the Jesuit Catholic ideals. How will the classes and faculty best prepare you? What do you mean by transformative education? And, just so you know, the last two sentences are weak. You want to end the essay with a snapper--BAM! Like that. Get their attention and speak confidently. Consider the difference between "I feel I am ready to succeed" and "I am ready to succeed." Which is more snappy, in your opinion? That's just one step in the right direction, though. I suggest choosing a more exciting word than "succeed." Try "excel," for one. Or scrap that sentence altogether and write something snappier, perhaps related to the story you will be using as your essay's framework.

To sum up: the last graf needs a good amount of work, but overall you're heading in the right direction. You clearly have a strong grasp of how to write clearly about important details. Now your job is to ground it all in tangible stories and details that help the reader imagine your personality and experiences.

[SHGR, MSN, RN, CNS]

Agreed with the above poster. I think overall you convey very well your passion, background, and rationale for pursuing FNP. Two phrases that struck me "emotionally" as being possibly offensive to your readers: "aptitude for customer service" and "I felt limited and worried I would lose my nursing and assessment skills that I studied in my undergraduate education."

Why? Some nurses and other health care providers cringe at the thought that we might be providing "customer service" rather than health care. Is there another effective phrase you could use here?

The second phrase strikes me personally. I moved from acute care to primary care for exactly the reason you describe. And, it is challenging, and I have learned so much and grown in different skills: telephone triage, long-term relationship building, chronic condition education, program development, cultural sensitivity, care coordination. It's definitely a different skill set than acute care, but I would be careful not to say anything that might sound as though you are denigrating it, as the people who will be reading your essay are likely to be FNPs who work in primary care.

Good luck! (I did a semester at MU too and it is a TOUGH program!!! If you can make it there...you can make it anywhere!)