Need Feedback on Personal Statement

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I am applying to the accelerated second degree BSN program at USF Tampa which begins in Fall of 2014. I am going through the personal statement revisions now and would like some input from those who have been there before. Please take a few minutes to read my statement and let me know what you think. Any advice for revision would be greatly appreciated as I have to cut the content down to two (2) pages max. I am told that USF bases their admission decisions on (30%) GPA, (30%) Pre-req GPA, and (40%) Personal Statement. Thanks in advance for your thoughts and recommendations.

The following is a first attempt at the statement as it is in DRAFT status.

The instructions for the personal statement are as follows:

Please read the sample curriculum and philosophy statement available here. Then, respond to the following questions in a careful and thoughtful manner.

* What motivates you to pursue nursing as a profession?

* Given the rigor of this program, what plans have you made to ensure your success?

* Describe how your leadership, service, and volunteer experiences will contribute to the nursing profession.

Please see the link below for access to my first draft:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/0afjqg7knijkp6k/Personal%20Statement%20DRAFT.pdf

Please let me know if you are unable to download, I can email if needed.

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