Just starting recovery

jackstem · Jul 5, 2010

Welcome Kirsti,

You are not a bad person trying to become well, you have a neurological disease that alters brain chemistry and structure leading to your compulsive need to gather and use opioids. This disease goes by many names...addiction, chemical dependence, substance use disorder, and many more. Unfortunately many, many of our colleagues don't understand this disease any better than non-health care professionals. There is an amazing lack of education regarding this disease and the risks we as health care providers have due to stressful working conditions, poor coping mechanisms for dealing with that stress, and access to some of the most powerful mood altering substances available in the history of medicine and mankind. Until we begin to understand the disease process we will continue to see those with this disease treated as though they are "less than", and it will continue to be "OK" to keep mismanaging the disease.

Read this article by William White. Very interesting and definitely on target in my 20+ years experience of traveling the road of recovery.

"Recovery as a Heroic Journey"

Feel free to contact me anytim via PM or email (see my profile).

Jack

KJG4 · Jul 5, 2010

I know what you are going through and it will get better. We all have failed. We just have to get up brush ourselves off and move ahead. Anytime you need to talk just send me a note. It is so hard but you can do it. I found strength and peace only thru prayer. Kathy

LilRedRN1973 · Jul 6, 2010

Thank you for sharing your story, Kristi. I can identify with your story all too well. My disease became painfully apparent after I was prescribed pain medication for my rheumatoid arthritis. I was also taking from friends and family, continually lying to them, as well as my husband. I also had a 2 month old baby at home. The guilt I had for the first 6-7 months of my recovery was overwhelming. I think I was mad at myself more than anyone else.

I am happy to say I have worked through most of it (I still have some residual with my son but am also grateful he will not remember any of that time period). My family took me back with open arms and once I understood that behavior was not a CHOICE (the stealing, lying, etc) but part of my disease, I was able to get on the road to forgiving myself. Today, I would never dream of doing those things to the people I love. I'm a better mother, wife, and most of all, a better ME because of recovery and the program of AA. Last week was 2 years for me and I could not have imagined then the life I have today.

We discussed in a meeting this past weekend the word freedom and what it meant to us. I have two kinds of freedom today: a physical freedom from the drugs and alcohol (planning a vacation with my family is a lot more simple when you don't have to worry about having enough "stash" so you don't go through withdrawals and my life is not dictated by pills anymore), and a spiritual freedom (I can turn things over to my Higher Power today and not have to do EVERYTHING myself; I can just be me and love who I am).

Welcome to the recovery forum and there are a lot of folks here who are most helpful! You have made a big step forward :yeah: If there is anything I can do for you, just ask! I am open about my story, what I did, and where I am today. I don't know how to do a link to the actual post where I wrote how I landed here, so will quote it here. I wrote this about 2 years ago (30 days into sobriety). It was actually kind of neat to go back and read it through again! All of those who already read this in the past, forgive the very lengthy post

I had planned on going to bed early tonight but then stumbled upon this and the Recovery Forum. As I sat at the computer, gripping my shiny, brand new 30 day chip, I decided I would spill my guts as I've been dealing with the embarrassment of being one of "them"....the addicted nurse. I do believe that with the right treatment, support, and monitoring, a nurse who is an addict/alcoholic should be allowed to return to their career. I say "a nurse who is an addict/alcoholic" rather than "someone who had a problem with addiction" or "a nurse who used to be an addict or have an addiction" because until the day I am put into the ground, I will be an addict. Only I can make the choice to be a recovering addict who stays clean and sober....with the help of my Higher Power (in my case, it's God).
Admitting my addiction was probably the most difficult thing I've ever done. I don't like to appear weak and that's exactly what I was doing....admitting I was powerless over opiates (my drug of choice). But before I was able to admit to myself and others my addiction, I put everyone around me through hell and back, including myself. First, I wrecked our car, then parked it in a casino parking lot and was gambling large amounts of money when my husband found me in the middle of the night, holding our 3 month old infant. Then, I was caught stealing hundreds of pills from my husband's aunt. That didn't stop my lying, cheating, and stealing. Shortly after that incident....I lied and told my husband I was going to quit....I overdosed in the unit I worked in shortly before the day shift came on. I hadn't taken any more than I usually did but I guess I crossed a very thin threshold because my coworkers found me unconscious and had me taken to the ER. About 8 hours later, I regained consciousness and realized what had happened. The addict in me thought, "oh great...now how am I going to get high without everyone watching me with an eagle eye?". No thoughts about what I had put my family through, what danger I had put my patients in, and what I had done to my career.
By this time, my addiction had climbed to about 40-50 Norco's and approx. 10-12mg of Xanax daily. I no longer was feeling the "high" I had so loved in the beginning and had to keep taking large doses just to feel "normal". Of course, that was MY perception of things....normal. To everyone else, there was something horribly wrong. My coworkers later told my husband they thought something was "off" but weren't sure and my mother fessed up that she thought I was doing drugs but was afraid to say anything to my husband. And my husband was telling everyone that I was probably just tired, having a newborn to contend with (yes, I still cannot forgive myself for the addiction while having a brand new baby...it's something I will struggle with for a very long time, I suspect). I have wonderful enablers surrounding me. They are now attending Alanon meetings, much to my relief. It's helping them deal with their feelings and everything I've put them through.
I was released later that day from the hospital and together, my husband and I concocted a story to cover up the loss of my job (can you say "denial"?). We told everyone that I decided to put my license on inactive status while I stayed home to raise our baby. I was still very much in denial and figured I could control things. I took a part time job to earn a little extra money and keep from going crazy at home. About 2 months into being clean, I met a coworker who had "issues" from supposed lower back pain and neck pain. On our second day working together, he slips me a "care package" as he called it....with several vicodin, an oxycontin and xanax. Had I been in the 12 step program, had a sponser, or taken the BON up on their program, I would have had a fighting chance. Since I didn't, I accepted my little care package with mixed emotions and within several weeks, was getting my pain meds refilled again. And things just got worse from there. Soon, my prescribed meds weren't enough, so my coworker being the helpful guy he was, called in some refills he had left that he wasn't using and allowed me to pick them up for my personal use. Highly illegal, I realize, but the addict in me rationalized this behavior as an addict will. This happened a few times and then the sexual harrassment started. Every time I had to work with this individual, he would say extremely inappropriate comments and his behavior was definitely suspect. I felt I couldn't do anything because of him calling his refills to give to me. This just added to the need to feel nothing inside and numb all my emotions, which caused me to use more. It was a terrifying ride and I needed to get off and soon.
I broke down and told my family I couldn't do this alone and needed rehab. I spent all the time in rehab focusing on myself, attending my AA/NA meetings, going to process group and learning how to build a foundation on which I could start living sober. I returned to the BON and handed over my license (whereas before, it had only been on inactive status), at which point I agreed to enter into their program. My monitoring program is 5 years from the time I get my license back, which is at least 6 months away. I'm in no hurry to return to nursing because I don't feel it would be healthy to be back at work, especially in the area where I have experience (very high stress and lots of access to narcotics). I have no idea where I will be allowed to work, as there are many restrictions (i.e. no nocs, no hospital, no home health, no per diem, no staffing agencies, must be supervised by a nurse everyday, etc.) But I put that aside to worry about when the day comes. Right now, I have to focus on me. My job right now is a full time one....to continue with all my meetings, strengthening my support system, reading the Big Book, praying, meditating, calling my sponser, sharing my story, working the steps with my sponser, and learning how to live again as a sober ME.
Rehab was almost $30,000 and being involved in the monitoring program with my BON will run at least $5000, but likely more in the end. I have to submit to random drug testing at a cost of $100/month for quite a few years. I also am required to attend 20 hours of individual counseling at a cost of $90/hour. A small price to pay for my health, mental well being, my sanity, my family, and my career. I've learned a lot about myself and what made me turn to abusing the substance in the first place. The addict will always be with me, hiding in my brain, waiting to pounce when I feel weak. I go to AA/NA meetings everyday, attend 4 days of process group that is 2 hours each, attend a nurse support group one night a week, and will spend countless hours of writing self reports and ensuring that the myriad of reports due by all those involved in my recovery are completed and submitted.
Had I not come forward and self reported, my license would have been revoked with no hope of getting it back. I wasn't ready to admit to the BON and enter into their agreement after I overdosed. I guess I hadn't hit my "bottom" yet, although some would scratch their heads and wonder why on earth that wasn't the bottom for me. I think when I realized that I could return to using after nearly dying, it occurred to me how little power I had over those little white pills.
I consider my overdose a gift from God because not only was I caught before I started to divert, but had I gone home that morning and been allowed to sleep, I truly believe I wouldn't have woken up. The exact combination that killed Heath Ledger (one week after I overdosed) was in my system as well. I was unconscious for about 8 hours, without anyone able to rouse me, including my husband, who was at my side the entire time. I came out okay, physically, but realized that I had a huge problem and that I had lost my ability to care for my patients, along with my job and my license.
I think I was subconsciously screaming for help, hoping that someone would notice and get me help. But when I admitted of my own free will that I needed some professional help, it was time to get serious and help myself become a healthier, happier, SOBER person. Knowing that I'm working on becoming a better person gives me hope. I have accountability due to all the requirements of the Board and that will give me extra motivation to get better and stay sober. I'm scared to death that I won't make it and relapse, but I also realize that I have to take things one day at a time.
Thank you to everyone for posting and especially to those in recovery and who have maintained sobriety for a number of years. It gives me great hope that I will someday be able to return to my passion, which is being a nurse. This roller coaster I've been on for the past few years hasn't ended as I have a long road ahead of me, but at least I will be able to ride it with a clear head. And if I can make it to the end of the ride, I will be a much more peaceful, content, confident person than I was prior to getting on the roller coaster! I hope that my story can help others out there, maybe those who don't want to admit they have a problem. I went for a couple of years thinking I was the one in control when it was really my bottle of pills that had all the power. I put everything in my life secondary to those pills and they nearly destroyed my life, hurt those I love, and almost ruined my career. I hope that I can get through each day, staying clean and sober and that eventually, I will be able to return to the career I love more than anything....nursing.
An Addicted Nurse working on her recovery

Today, I see my disease the way a diabetic sees theirs. I monitor my recovery and have to do something for it EVERY single day. If I fail to do so, I will get sick. Continue to ignore the symptoms, I will die. It's that simple. It takes work and I did find some of the steps daunting (Step 4...!!!) and I'm now on Step 8, dragging my feet slowly into Step 9....LOL. But I have a wonderful sponsor who has led me through these steps with kindness and strength. We are not cured of our disease; it's a daily reprieve contigent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition...from the Big Book; I follow that because it's true. When I start to slack, old behaviors come out in a heartbeat and old thinking slides back into this old brain!