Is nursing really for me?

[earthatheart]

Not feeling competent, making too many mistakes, feeling stress and extremely upset at times when i finish a shift.

Hi everyone, i am new to this forum but i thought this place are so supportive and will be a great place to ask for advice about some of the problems I'm facing at this moment.

Im an EEN, EEN are medication endorsed enrolled nurse, i think in America it is LPN?

I am currently working for a nursing home for about a year now.

I started the job with so much enthusiasm as many of us could imagine to officially be a nurse, until it slowly dying down.

I am quiet an artistic person, very creative so i tend to easily gets bored doing routine work. I don't feel the environment i am working in is challenging enough. Yet, i keep pushing myself finding reasons to challenge myself instead of waiting for the job to challenge me.

The issues that are making me feel so down at the moment are:

_I feel lack of authority at my work: In a nursing home in Australia, if you're an EEN, you have to be incharge of the floor and manage the floor team, who are direct carers to the residents. I don't feel as though I've earn the carers's respect maybe because i am lacking in knowledge and lack of confident, and i get so stress at work that i cant to manage the whole team that don't listen to me sometime and they are much way older, some are 60 years old and I'm only 23. Other nurses can do it, i just find it so hard to step up and prove to them that i have knowledge, but i don't even sure of that myself.

_I trust peoples words too easily: my managers gets annoyed and upset at me sometime that i trusted the carers words before i even check my work. Say, if the carers say there are wound from a resident, i would trust. If they say i should tell manager this, i would listen. I don't question. I feel so stupid sometime, but i knew they were telling the truth thats why i trusted their words, but i should've check first before reporting back to my manager.

_ Medication errors: it would not be the first time I've made medication error, which are i forget to give a few medication. I have improved a lot, but sometime i slipped off and make another error. i would always cover up for some people when they makes mistakes because i don't believe its a big deal if its just regular panadol or something that doesnt effect their liver, heart lungs etc..., but i would always get in trouble when i make a little mistake.

I personally don't believe in taking such medications either, unless its heat medication and others that is necessary to help the body function. I am bit of a spiritual person in that sense, i believe that you can use your mind to control some of the issues inside our body, which are minors such as head ache, pain etc... not chronic pain of course.

But my main issue are, i feel so disconnected. Im not sure if the job is right for me? Imagine i get so affected by people like this and making me feel insecure about myself, how will i able to manage in a more serious setting such as critical care or emergency? When during my placement, i felt amazing, i felt competent because i thought i did well.

I cant imagine feeling disconnected to my job like this for the rest of my life, but i don't even know yet because I've only ever stay in this one place, and i don't think my manager even give me good reference to get other jobs. She will give good review about how i am as a person and as a nurse, but she believes my clinical skill i need to improve, but she also said this place isn't a good place for me to learn more clinical skill, what am i supposed to do? if i don't get good reference from her, does it means ill be stuck in aged care forever? aged care is fine, i love the elderly, but when theyre facing dementia and Alzheimer, its making me so disconnected to them as human to human sharing an experience.

I am a very sensitive person, i have been so forgetful for my age since i started working in this place. I believe their disease affected me, as i am surrounded by forgetful people.

Does anyone feels the same? Ive asked few nurses, they say no. But some who knows me trusted me when i tell them, I'm bit of an empath.

I have dream to be a nurse to help people in need and offer myself in rural places and travel over seas to places with high disease helping people and learn about life. But now i am so lost within this career. Do i even suitable for it? Is being clinical even my skill? I read article about a nurse whom killed her self after given a wrong dose of medication to an infant. Seriously, calculation/maths are my worse night mare. You can ask me to draw, dance, think creatively, being philosophical about life, understand human minds, connect with nature etc... but this job is so pressured, I'm worry of doing anything wrong and getting told off and feeling not competent. I should from my mistake and let things goes, but here i am making another one not directly from me but from my trusting people issue.

I know its a weird topic. But I'm so new to my first serious job and having such hard time receiving complaints from my managers, it scares me sometimes. i would go home feels like death inside. So upset, doubt myself, feel so incompetent and lack of self respect at time.

Not sure if i am thinking too much. I just realised its a serious world out there in a work force.

Sorry for the long post, thankyou for caring enough to read