If something cango wrong, it will.

[lovingangeluk]

* Your patient is finally absorbing their NG feed after days of aspirating - but they pull the tube out just before the consultant does his ward round.

* The number of staff to be found on the ward is inversely proportional to the scale of the emergency.

* You've just given a patient a meal - pie, roast potatoes and a sponge pudding with custard - when the consultant says they're ready for the operation.

* A very healthy patient, when admitted to a very small room, will require a vent, a cooling blanket, hemofilter, six pumps and a digital television before the end of your shift, requiring you to climb over the bed to get out of the room.

* The hospital always sends admissions to your nursing home at change of shift on your weekend on - the physician's weekend off.

* The lift always breaks down when the 400 pound patient needs to be transferred from one bed to another.

* You tell your patient, "If you need anything at all, just push the button and I'll be there". She smiles and says she's "Fine, thank you nurse." The next morning she complains to the physician, "No one came near me all night and I couldn't sleep, because I was in agony."

* In a life threatening emergency, the speed of the doctor's response is inversely proportional to the speed of the patient's decline.

* That enema you gave four hours ago produces a huge code brown just five minutes before the end of your shift.

* The doctor's just about to examine a patient when you realise you've lost your pencil and find a rectal thermometer behind your ear.

* The doctor with the the Handwriting from Hell is the one who makes the worst fuss when disturbed at 3am ... usually because their insulin prescription could be ... anything.

* You have been working flat all day without even a coffee break, but the moment you sit down, the supervisor walks around the corner and sees you doing nothing.

* You never use foul language, except when the boss is standing behind you.

* When you need the money, your shift is cancelled; when you have a weekend planned, you have to do overtime.

* Realizing the patient you've just injected has a serious infection causes you to stab yourself with the used needle.

* A 500 pound patient needs all care, while your 80 pound patient needs a finger dressing ... and your colleague has a "bad back."

* It's your first night shift for three years. And it's a full moon.

* You're doing the "Only 27 more minutes of the shift from hell happy-dance", only to turn around to see your supervisor standing there.

* In a critical situation, the most highly qualified clinician will offer the most advice and the least support.

* The absurdity of the suggestion is directly proportional to the distance from the bedside.

* As soon as you finish a thirty minute dressing the doctor will come in, and take a look at the wound.

* The disoriented patient always comes from a Nursing Home whose beautiful paperwork has no phone number on it.

* Your nose will itch the very moment your gloved hands get contaminated with bodily fluids.

* The patient who has been dying all night finally meets his maker 12.5 minutes before shift change.

* You walk out of a patient's room after you've asked them if they need anything: they will put the call bell on as you are about three quarters the way down the hall.

* The patient furthest away from the nurses' station rings the call bell more often than the patient nearest to the nurses' station.

* The doctor with the worst handwriting and most original use of the English Language will be responsible for your most critical patient.

* You always remember "just one more thing" you need after you've gowned, gloved, and masked and gone into that isolation room.

* The correct depth of compression in adult CPR is a bit less than the depth you just reached when you broke those ribs.

* When you cancel extra staff because it's so quiet, you are guaranteed a rash of admissions.

* If you wear a new white uniform, expect to be thrown up on.

* Residents always poop on your brand new shoes.

* When management smiles at you, be very, very afraid ...

* Staffing will gladly send you three aides--but you have to float two of your RNs.

* As soon as you discontinue the IV line, more fluids will be ordered.

*Mandatory meetings are always scheduled after you've had the night from hell and just want to go home to bed.

Amy xxx