If Medicine was like Tech Support....

Published Mar 24, 2002

by betts

I'm in the process of trying to explain a typical sysadmin/tech support day to my spouse. She's a nurse, so I translated a typical support call into something she'd understand.

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(Quick disclaimer. The patient in this little piece is actually more helpful to the nurse than most losers are to sysadmins/tech support...)

ER Nurse (on phone): "Good morning, how may I help you?"

Loser Patient from Hell: "Hi, I have a problem."

ERN: "Ok, sir, what's your problem?"

LPFH: "I can't seem to pick things up with my left hand."

ERN: "All right, sir, do you know why you can't pick anything up?"

LPFH: "No! That's your job to figure it out!"

ERN: "Well, sir, I'll need a little bit more information if I'm to help you over the phone. We could hang up and you could come into the hospital."

LPFH: "NO! I don't have time for that right now. I need to have my hand fixed immediately."

ERN: "Ok, let's see what we can do for you, then. When did you first notice the trouble in handling objects?"

LPFH: "Earlier today."

ERN: "Uh-huh..."

LPFH: "I think it was when I was making lunch."

ERN: "Ok. You couldn't pick things up while making lunch?"

LPFH: "Well, I could at first, but then I couldn't."

ERN: "What were you doing right before you noticed the problem?"

LPFH: "I don't remember! Look, this is a waste of time! You're supposed to be able to fix this! Why aren't you doing your job?"

ERN: "Sir, I really need more information than what you've given me before I can figure out what's wrong. Please try to remember what you were doing."

LPFH: "Um... I think I was cutting up some vegetables."

ERN: "Ok. Did you manage to cut yourself while you were cutting the vegetables?"

LPFH: "Yeah. Do you think that's the problem?"

ERN: "It could be, sir. How badly did you cut yourself."

LPFH: "Well, there was a lot of blood."

ERN: "Right..."

LPFH: "And I noticed right after that that my thumb was missing."

ERN: "Your thumb was missing?"

LPFH: "Right. But I really don't think that's it."

ERN: "Sir, you need your thumb if you want to pick certain things up!"

LPFH: "I do?"

ERN: "*sigh* Yes."

LPFH: "Oh. So I probably shouldn't have cut it off then..."

ERN: "No, probably not."

LPFH: "So what are you going to do about it?"

ERN: "Well, sir, the best thing that we can do is try to reattach the thumb. You'll have to bring it into the hospital and have someone sew it back on."

LPFH: "But I don't have time for that! Isn't there anything else you can do?"

ERN: "No, sir. You're just going to have to hope that's it's not too late to reattach it."

LPFH: "It might be too late!?!"

ERN: "Correct."

LPFH: "Oh, hell."

ERN: "Sorry, sir. There's nothing else we can do. Put the thumb in a bag of ice and bring it in to the hospital. We'll try to reattach it when you show up."

LPFH: "But I can't do that!"

ERN: "Why not, sir?"

LPFH: "Well, after I cut it off, I didn't know I needed it anymore... so I threw it away."

ERN: "You what?"

LPFH: "And the trash has already been collected..."

ERN: "AAAAARRRRRGH!"