I have to write an essay type of application and I just need feedback on my topic

[bridgettann]

How has your life experiences shaped who you are today?

Ever since I was little I always wanted to be in the medical field, more specifically nursing. It all started when my father was diagnosed with colon cancer when I was 10. My father had went to our family doctor and was told nothing was wrong with him, but they wanted to do more tests. My father, being the stubborn man that he is wanted a second opinion, a more experienced opinion. It turned out that my father had stage four colon cancer and was told he would not see the age of fifty. Luckily, he survived along with liver cancer a few years later and just celebrated his 50^th birthday this year. Before this everything was cupcakes and rainbows in my life. My father getting cancer shaped me into who I am today. It made me never take anyone for granted and even if I argued with my family or friends always tell them that you love them because you never know when you're going to lose them. My dad sat in recovery in the hospital for over two weeks. My dad's coworkers raffled off many items at their work to help give us a little more money to survive on while my dad was out of commission in the hospital. Seeing people who do not like my dad do something that major when he was sick just showed the compassion my community had. This experience made me appreciate all that I have and have a better respect for life. After that year I became more independent and helped my family and my community more. This made me into the strong, independent, caring person that I have become

How do you see yourself contributing to the profession of nursing?

Nurses are usually the first person anyone sees when going into a doctor's office or even the emergency room. They are a hospitals first line of defense since there are more nurses on staff than doctors. I want to give back to world and help heal those who need it. If circumstances allow it, I want to travel and give those who do not have the opportunity to receive healthcare, healthcare. If that cannot be the case I will be the best nurse at any hospital or office that I can be. I want to help end misdiagnosis' and give people hope that there still is good in the healthcare system and that your doctors and nurses do know better.

Why should you be admitted to this program?

I should be admitted into the nursing program because it is my passion. I want to become a Nurse Practitioner not because my family or friends told me that's what I should be, but because I truly have an interest in medicine. I want to be the first-person people come to see and make people want to go to the doctor when something is wrong and not be afraid of being misdiagnosed or mistreated. Like I said before my dad was in the hospital for over two weeks and I witnessed how much nurses go through. The nurses at that hospital made my brother and I feel welcomed and always asked us if we needed anything even though it was not their job to do so. I want to become part of that profession and give more to people than just changing dressings or diagnosing someone. I want to become as caring and loving as what those nurses had shown me and be more than what I am today.

[EmDash]

My feedback would be to revise and rethink your replies, first off. Every single thing you mention should relate back to nursing and nursing school in some manner. So while the question may be "How has your life experiences shaped who you are today?" in a general sense, what it really means is "How has your life experiences shaped you into someone who will make an excellent nursing student and nurse?" So in that case, your life experiences helping you not take anyone for granted and tell your family you love them even after disagreements isn't relevant to what they want to know. They want to know how your experiences have shaped you into someone who has the traits and skills needed to graduate from their program, pass the NCLEX, and display their mission and values once working as a nurse. That's your focus.

You also want to be more specific with your replies. What specifically about you makes you a good candidate? What are your skills, your traits, and your relevant experiences? For your last question, I wouldn't consider having passion convincing enough. Every candidate is going to say they have passion for nursing (otherwise, why would they spend all this time and money trying to get into the program). That's not going to be the sole reason why the program should admit you over someone else who is equally passionate. Because at the end of the day, passion isn't enough to make you successful. You also have to have the abilities to understand the material, the discipline to learn it, and the skills to execute it. So you should cover the traits about yourself that demonstrate those abilities and how that makes you the best candidate. Essentially, this is about appealing to what they are going to want in a student.

Otherwise, general advise is to make sure you are being logical and concise with your organization and you aren't being too informal with your wording. You're a little everywhere, and you start talking about one point and then go into another, unrelated point without fully explaining the first one. You want one topic to seaway into another to combine to make one main point. Lastly, grammar, grammar, grammar. Find someone who can proofread for you once you finalize your answers.