Help! Struggling with anxiety / depression

[SincerITY]

I've been a RN for just over 4 years now and it feels like it's been an uphill battle. During school I did great and managed to graduate with honors. Got good reviews during my clinicals, though I remember being very timid/unsure when practicing new skills. Im an Introvert and struggle with social anxiety, especially in the workplace. Since working as an RN I've developed generalized anxiety and recurrent major depression. The first episode happened when I first graduated and was working in gen surg. The anxiety made me physically ill - lost weight, n/v, insomnia, THE WORKS. I felt like my performance wasn't meeting expectations, struggled with time management, constantly doubted myself and compared myself to other new grads that were catching on much more quickly. My perfectionist tendencies always kept me on edge. Lacked faith in my decision making and often sought advice from other nurses. Through Counselling, yoga, meds, support from the Educator and Manager I eventually got through it. But still questioned if I chose the right career because of this.

Fast forward, to 2 years as an RN Just starting a FT line in gen surg another bout of anxiety/depression crippled me d/t work stress and relationship issues. The workload was extremely heavy, and a lot of staff at this time were feeling it as well. This time I needed to take a Medical leave as I was struggling at work with concentration, making mistakes (nothing lethal/or harmful). in order to focus on self care with CBT Counselling, medication. After I started feeling better I decided to resign and try working in ambulatory care/endo for a change in scenery.

I really enjoyed it at first. I felt confident, was catching on quite quickly and receiving good feedback from colleagues. But after a series of inappropriate criticisms from a co-worker in front of other staff/patients and starting training in a new invasive procedure (which I felt was not a good fit for me) the anxieties returned. I became very self critical, lacked assertiveness, withdrew from coworkers, lost weight, low motivation, etc. I felt like I was wasting away, dragging myself to

Work everyday and eventually it caught up to me. Left me feeling depleted and powerless. I'm now on another medical leave for the last 4 mos and considering applying for disability. I've lost all confidence in myself. Feeling defeated after working so hard to find my niche and now back in a terrible rut. It's been 6 months of agony, and I forgotten what it feels like to be "normal" due to the depression. Taking SSRIs, doing counselling but still not much response. Afraid to return to work due to the stigma from colleagues and the longer I'm away the more the anxiety builds and concerned if I'll ever be "fit" to practice.

I'm thinking of walking away from nursing for good for my sanity but feel like I'd be wasting 4 years of education and setting myself back in life. I had thought about getting a Masters in Public Health/or Counselling but My confidence is so shook I don't think I could manage. Don't feel like I'm cut out for bedside and it's a challenge to get into Public Health / Community. Maybe it's time to get into retail or an office job. Has anybody been through similar experience and transition out of nursing successfully? How difficult would it be to take a break from nursing for a couple years and get re-hired without proper references?? Anybody else struggling with severe anxiety/depression, low self esteem but found an area that doesnt rattle you?? Anyone gone on Long Term Disability for mental health issues and recover successfully with a return to work?

Sorry for the long post/rant

SincerITY