Have You Got What It Takes To Join The Public Service?

[Farkinott, RN]

HAVE YOU GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO JOIN THE PUBLIC SERVICE?

Welcome to this year's public service exam.

I see that all of you have been able to find yourself a seat and desk

so obviously you've got what it takes to be public servants.

Should you pass this exam and become a member of the public service,

you will enjoy not only the esteem and envy of all your friends but

also a unique package of fringe benefits, including:

* An early retirement scheme which allows you to retire while still

turning up for work

* flexitime which enables you to decide when you don't want to work at

work and when you don't want to work away from work

* free use of government stationery (this has been facilitated by the

introduction of eight-items-or-less lanes as you leave the building.

I must at this stage warn all examinees that anyone found cheating or

copying from their neighbour's paper will be automatically assigned to

Parliament - regardless of whether they fail the intelligence test ...

but..... ESPECIALLY if they fail the intelligence test..

MATHEMATICS:

Please answer the following question in the spaces provided on your

answer sheet.

If you went to lunch at 12 noon and came back to work at 2:30pm how long

have you had for lunch?

The answer of course is half an hour.

For those who failed the math test, you may still be eligible to become

Mr Howard's tax policy adviser.

MULTIPLE CHOICE:

1. If you are about to take your lunch break and a female member of the

general public comes to the counter with an enquiry, you should address

her by saying:

a) Can I help you, madam?

b) Can I help you, miss?

c) What can I do you for, mate?

d) How's tricks, doll-face?

The correct answer is 'none of the above'. This is a trick question. If

you are about to take your lunch break, you shouldn't talk to her at

all.

2. A member of the general public calls with a complaint and you realize

that the file on this matter has been lost. You should say:

a) We are looking into the matter

b) Can I get back to you on this one?

c) The matter has been referred to another committee

d) I haven't had a chance to look into it yet.

The correct answer is none of the above. You should tell them they have

the wrong telephone extension.

SPELLING:

Spell the following words

a) Tea

b) Sickie

c) Lunchbreak

d) Go-slow

This is the end of the examination. Please sign your exam paper

illegibly and pass it to those collecting them, while denying that you

have ever seen or heard anything about it.

GUIDE TO PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS:

GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS = Able to bullshit

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS = Spends a lot of time on the phone

AVERAGE EMPLOYEE = Not too bright

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED = Made no major blunders yet

WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY = Too ugly to get a date

ACTIVE SOCIALLY = Drinks a lot

FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY = Spouse drinks too

INDEPENDENT WORKER = Nobody knows what he/she does

QUICK THINKING = Offers plausible excuses

CAREFUL THINKER = Won't make a decision

AGGRESSIVE = Obnoxious

USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS = Gets someone else to do it

EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL = Speaks English

METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL = A nit picker

HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES = Is tall or has a loud voice

EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT = Lucky

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR = Knows a lot of dirty jokes

CAREER MINDED = Back Stabber

LOYAL = Can't get a job anywhere else