Beginning Spring 2002, handguns will be issued for all emergency room personnel along with the following instructions for their use: (You may pick up your handgun with your first pay check)
Henceforth, patients may be shot, but only after a careful history has been taken and one or more of the following criteria have been met.
1. Patient was caught in the commission of a violent crime and was not sufficiently beaten by the police.
2. Patient was caught committing a rape or child molesting and not adequately injured by victim and/or family.
3. Patient comes to ER. by ambulance for suture removal or pain medication refill.
4. Five members of ER. staff or two doctors (only one need be licensed) certify patient is a dirt bag.
5. Patient comes to the ER. at 3:00 a.m. for evaluation of an injury that occurred more than six days ago.
6. Maggot count is numerically greater than blood count.
7. Patient wants new cast because old cast melted when six bottles of wine spilled on it or cast broke in a fight.
8. Heroin needle broke off in arm.
9. Patient arrested on outstanding warrants and suddenly remembers an injury that requires immediate hospitalization.
10. Patient requires immediate methadone, but does not know dose.
11. Patient speaks no English until discharged without pain medication and then quotes the P.D.R.