How (not) to speak English Properly

  1. 1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
    2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
    3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
    4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
    5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
    6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
    7. Be more or less specific.
    8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
    9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
    10. No sentence fragments.
    11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
    12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
    13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
    14. One should NEVER generalize.
    15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
    16. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
    17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
    18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
    19. The passive voice is to be ignored.
    20. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
    21. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
    22. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
    23. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.
    24. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
    25. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
    26. Puns are for children, not grown readers.
    27. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
    28. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
    29. Who needs rhetorical questions?
    30. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

    And the last one...

    31. Proofread carefully to see if you____ any words out.
    Last edit by betts on Mar 24, '02
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    About betts

    Joined: Oct '01; Posts: 1,024; Likes: 20
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  3. by   MRed94
    Funny how this relates. I was at work Friday night, and posted most prominently was a memo regarding excessive breaks.

    Most of the longer words were not spelled properly, and there were a lot of words left out. This was apparently written by the administrator, and was amusing to know that a superior can't be more professional.

    I was sooooooooooo tempted to correct it all and push it back under her door for retyping.

    Makes ya wonder...........