feel guilty not contributing

bargainhound, RN · Dec 20, 2006

Give to your own choice of charitable needs..........make yourself let

go of this guilt.

zudy · Dec 20, 2006

I am with you, bargainhound. I was in a similar situation several years ago. I felt I could not donate without feeling like a total hypocrite. I would give to my place of worship or to a favorite charity,jo272, and try and think positive thoughts while I did.

Then just let it go.

smurfy · Dec 20, 2006

There is no reason to feel guilty for not giving anything to a person who treated you badly.

Jules A, MSN · Dec 20, 2006

Hi,

I think the other members idea of donating to a charity of your choice is an excellent idea. Cut yourself a break. Jules

BabyRN2Be · Dec 20, 2006

I REALLY hate to say this, but maybe this nurse is reaping her own bad karma. Not that I necessarily believe in that, but if I did, this might be a good example. However, I don't know details of what happened. Just a thought.

Listen, don't spend too much time beating yourself up over this. While I understand that maybe you want to give to someone, give because you want to, not out of guilt.

Antikigirl, ASN, RN · Dec 20, 2006

I look at it this way...during this time of year, we all have either lean or full plates. Personally I am having a really lean one! LOL! Well...when my plate is lean, I have nothing really to give...you need a full plate for giving! Therefore I feel no guilt when I can't give because I have nothing to give without taking away from me and my family and leaving me with an plate with nothing!

So if this person isn't someone you would give of yourself in leaner times...do not feel guilt! I know that I wouldn't want someone to give if they had a lean plate..that is selfish! Best they keep what they have and have a brighter future vs always having an empty plate!

I had to say no for the first time in years to charity...I always give something...but I have nothing this year (not even time). It hurts, but I say...'My plate will fill up if I focus on important things..then I will have tons to give...maybe next year!".

Don't empty your plate right now...there will be something to give to when your plate is full..and one day darlin..it will be :)!

llg, PhD, RN · Dec 20, 2006

I'll play a little Devil's Advocate here just to give everyone something to think about....

Ask yourself the following questions:

1. Do you have enough to give? (even if it is just a little)

2. Would you have contributed if the person had been someone you liked?

3. What does "being charitable" mean to you? In other areas of your life, do you only help those people you like? ... Do you believe in helping only those other people of whom you approve? ... Or do you believe in helping others regardless of whether or not you approve or disapprove of how they lead their lives?

4. Why do we have a conscience? Does your conscience usually bother you when you have done nothing wrong? Or, does your conscience usually only bother you when there is a legitimate reason for you to feel guilty?

Your conscience is probably bothering you because this is not a clear-cut situation. Choosing not to give to someone in need goes against some of your values. Regardless of what you decide you would have done, this situation is a learning situation in that is causing you to think about your values. That's a good thing.

Personally ... I would have given a little something if I could ... because I don't believe I should limit my charitable giving to only those people who are/were nice to me in return. For me, if I only help the "nice people" or the "deserving poor," then it's not as much of a charitable act -- it becomes a lesser act of giving.

Certainly I do pick and choose where I donate my money. But when it is a personal appeal from an acquaintance, I usually find a little something to contribute. My conscience would bother me if I didn't.

Ruby Vee, BSN · Dec 20, 2006

i wouldn't feel too guilty about not contributing -- easy for me to say, i know. years ago, i was in a similar situation. one of the nurses in a close-knit unit was fired for "falsifying patient records". (essentially charting that she had given narcotics she was really using herself.) most of the other nurses were up in arms -- denying vigorously that kim would have done such a thing. there was a collection taken up to make her car payments for her -- she had a brand new and very fancy sports car. i'm sure those payments were pretty hefty.

i didn't want to contribute -- and i didn't. in the first place, i knew she was guilty. all the staff threw their purses on the sofa in the break room, and kim and i had identical coach bags. i picked hers up by accident and right on top was a stash of pills wrapped in a paper towel. i suspected -- but couldn't prove -- that they were taken from our narcotics supply. (they weren't in a prescription bottle with her name, nor were they in our unit dose blister packs, which would have been even more suspicious!) so whether i liked it or not, i was involved in the investigation.

and in the second place, i was driving a 10 year old toyota tercel (not a top of the line car by any stretch of the imagination, even when new!) with 200,000 miles on it and saving every cent i could for graduate school. i figured if kim didn't have a job, she could sell that fancy car and eat for a long time, plus drive a older and less fancy car.

kim landed on her feet -- within two weeks she had landed a job as director of nursing at a nursing home -- higher salary, better hours.

if you don't want to contribute, for any reason -- and yours seems perfectly valid to me -- don't. and don't feel bad about it, either.

KIAN · Dec 20, 2006

I wouldn't give anything. I would have tried to get along when we first worked together and when that failed I would move on. Then when she left I would feel my contribution was trying to work with at the beginning. No guilt.

SmilingBluEyes · Dec 20, 2006

I like the idea of picking a charity of your choosing. You can even make a donation in her name, if you choose.

UM Review RN, ASN, RN · Dec 20, 2006

Some people can be forgiven--from a distance.

If you gave to this person, would you be giving to salve your conscience or solve her problem?

I would advise you not to contribute unless you truly were able to forgive this person.

Believe me, being able to forgive her would be the better gift.