feedback on personal statement thus far?

[spasd89]

Hey guys, I am working on composing my personal statement. I have a good portion completed thus far, and I think I will wrap it up soon. But I was wondering if anyone could skim through and see what they think of personal statement, complete with praise or critique? If any advice at how to improve could be given, I'd greatly appreciate it. Thanks soooo much! Nevermind typos for now, I'm just thinking in terms of flow and content.

Truth, loyalty and service are the three words embroidering the official seal of my undergraduate institution- Rhodes College. These three virtues are arguably the three most important virtues in maturing mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. When I had the option to choose amongst other undergraduate institutions, the fact that the Rhodes College seal possessed those three virtues ultimately made my decision almost instantly.

I pride myself on my usual ability to be quick and decisive. However when it came to my career, I, like many undergraduate students, had a different plan for my life complete with a different major and the same slightly unsure grin on my face on an almost weekly basis, at least for my first year and a half of college. I dabbled to and fro, exploring many different classes and many distinctive community service outlets in the Memphis community, as I have always felt that we do ourselves good when we help others. My sophomore year at Rhodes marked a turning point in my life when I was fortunate enough to receive the Bonner Scholarship, a service-learning scholarship. The emphasis of the Bonner program is service to others, in addition to service to self through reflection.

After completing a summer of research in the Rhodes Neuroscience laboratory with my academic advisor, I was sold on somehow integrating psychology and science with my future career. Which way that was going to take me, I had no idea. I began interning at a local child advocacy agency, Court Appointed Special Advocates of Memphis and Shelby County. After being trained and sworn in as the courthouse as an official volunteer, I began managing cases of alleged child abuse and neglect. Through my case investigations and court reports, I began to truly see myself maturing emotionally and professionally.

As I was working with these abused children and their families, I began to hear a saying repeat itself in my head, and to this day it is a quote that truly affects my daily life and pattern of thinking. In his Eight Verses for Training the Mind, Geshe Tangpa offers a humbling thought: "Wherever I go, with whomever I go, may I see myself as lower than all others, and from the depth of my heart may I consider them supremely precious." This saying, I must honestly admit, drove me to continue the emotionally turbulent work in the court system. Frequently intertwining my psychology work with analysis in the legal system, I began to return more and more to the science aspect of psychological analysis, where I found huge interest.

After the completion of my volunteer internship with CASA, I was able to travel during the summer to Namibia and Botswana, Africa, to work on a research project involving spotted hyenas with an environmental science professor at Rhodes. While in Africa, I traveled to a small city, whose name I cannot remember near the border of Namibia and Botswana. My professor, the few other students and I split up to explore the area. I wandered off alone and walked by a small one-room religious affiliated health clinic. The building was shabby at best, with dirt floors and a straw-like roof. Upon gazing in the window from outside, where I saw nurses in nun habits holding young babies and comforting those afflicted with illness. Botswana happens to the epicenter of the HIV/AIDS epidemic in Africa, and seeing those nurses in the clinic in that town truly struck me. I never before had seen such care given to a person in such a lowly setting. Humbled, I nearly began to cry and I left Africa feeling pulled to the field of nursing, and knowing that I had a huge desire to impact others in a healthcare setting.

Upon my return from Africa, I began volunteering for my Bonner service work at the Memphis Mental Health Institute as a therapy assistant and intern under the staff coordinator nurse. I absolutely adored the individuals with whom I worked, and I found great fulfillment in being up on the unit with the nurses, doctors, and patients. I have always enjoyed being in hospital settings; I find great happiness in a place where many people of differing backgrounds convene for the betterment of humanity. The work I did at MMHI, while difficult, was extraordinarily rewarding to me. I enjoyed sitting with patients and learning about their lives. So much judgment is passed upon these individuals on a constant basis, but so many of them are kind souls with good hearts, and wonderful stories. When one patient told me that I was the best listener he'd ever seen, it embedded in a me a feeling of pride and joy that I will not soon be likely to forget.

It was not anytime into my internship at MMHI when I had decided entirely that I wanted to be a nurse. There was a no single "aha!" moment that I can recall. Many may describe that there was one particular moment when he or she knew that nursing was his or her calling. My journey to that realization was a process of great consideration, fortune, reflection, and care. I mentally and emotionally challenged myself every single time I stepped onto the floor of the court and every time I sat down with a patient in a room at the hospital, and honestly, I thrived on it. My journey to nursing was indeed heavily academic, with a strong emphasis on the behavioral sciences and biologically based psychology, however I view my journey to my career as a personal journey of advancement and reflection. Again, Tangpa's verse flashes through my head on a daily basis, and guides me in the work that I so greatly desire to do.

Through my work at the mental hospital, through simply seeing those with illness in Africa and their caregivers, through my work with abused children in Memphis, I reminded myself that the greatest gift I can ever give an individual is to fully see another person, to hear another person, and to be present with my fellow human beings. I recognize that allowing myself to be seen and to be heard is also the practice of this presence, and that through this recognition, I can become a better person and make the largest impact on those who surround me. From my knowledge and personal involvement of and in the health care system, I can think of no better philosophy that better represents the field of nursing. (wrap up from here?)

-Stephen

[K_girl]

i think it was good. However, I think you included so many details that it seemed as if it was more of a story than a narrative as to why YOU chose nursing.

Kate

[spasd89]

Okay, cool, thank you. So cut down on the story and include more of why I'm drawn to the profession?

[K_girl]

I think that's a good start. You opened your opening paragraph with a quote from the school's emblem. I think you should also include other reasons as to why you want to go to Rhodes above all other schools or delve more into what the school means to you. It sounded as if you were going somewhere with the original thought but it never really went anywhere.

Your experience in Africa is interesting! I would love to hear more about how it has changed your life & how it lead to your dream of being a nurse.

Kate