Dr Jokes

[chimpanzee]

Dr Jokes,

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the

cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress,

and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were

several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and

slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I

instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remarked the patient.

Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her

husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes

later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a

"massive internal fart."

Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I

placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right

eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left."

Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He

couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that

he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his

eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he

informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his

medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a

new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had

him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see... Yes, the

man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal

of the old patch before applying a new one.

Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have

you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered...

"Why, not for about twenty years, since my husband was alive."

Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast

this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem

to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the

jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labelled "KY Jelly."

Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple

hair styled! Into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and

wearing strange clothes entered. It was very quickly determined that the

patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed

that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo

that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon

wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow

the lawn."

Q: Which doctors have hardest work?

A: Veterinarians and psychiatrists. They both have to deal with patients who can't tell what their problem is.

Have a good day and keep out of the Dr's Office....