Disillusioned Nurse

[tonyholland]

Hello this is my first post here. I really just want some input from other nurses as I feel a little isolated at the moment.

I've been agency nursing this past year due to changes in living circumstances. Before doing agency I was the acting charge on a 19 bed gerontological unit. Prior to that I've worked across the boards in different areas of psychiatry and occasionally in Social Care in the Intellectual disability sector.

Last year I began having stomach issues and by August I have reduced my working week to part-time due to medical issues.

The problem is working part-time in 'Psychiatry' Is taking its toll mentally.

One night night a few weeks ago I was on night duty. On this particular night I was supposed to be 'specialing' but spent the first half of the night on the floor as my special had visitors until midnight who were nurses so all good there.

Any nurse who has worked agency knows it can be hot and cold with regards to how your shift will go, but we push on and do our best..

Do to a Iatrogenic error earlier in the day my special was very unwell- dying actually her ob's dropped like a lead baloon.

My special was a retired nurse. In fact she was a very highly regarded nurse who was dual qualified as well as a midwife in her prime. She had been diagnosed with Alzheimers in her forties and had to take early retirement.

I've always been one to take it on the chin, but that one in particular stuck with me because she is one of our own;yes her colleagues came to visit, but she had no family due to being dedicated to nursing.

I felt SO incompetent that I couldn't do more for her- I found myself welling up at times and struggling to hold my professional nerve- as I watched her die throughout the night.

It frightened me, made me question my own mortality, cognition and abilities as a nurse. I was envisaging myself in her position ten years down the line.

I haven't worked in two weeks as a result of this.

I think I've lost my bottle for nursing:( A self-pitying nurse is not a good nurse in my opinion.

I know that at one point I was (am) regarded as decent a nurse as the next. and I tend to be hands on. I'm not a paper nurse (though we all have to be) and generally tend to balance the paperwork with a good delivery of care.

So now I really don't know if I have the nerve to go back to work. The flexibility and money is good with agency; but I've become overly sensitive and emotional as a result.

I have a passion for caring but this has made me reevaluate my outlook on life.

Spending time with my own family and loved ones seems a lot more important to me at the moment.

I was earning decent money before working full-time and covering a lot of OT but. I really feel a sense of 'what for' after working that night.

I want a frugal lifestyle working part-time as a nurse but right now it isn't working out for on a professional level mentally. I CHERISH the free time I have as my physical health issues persist; its obvious a reduced work load is necessary (Crohn's) helps to reduce stress.

Sorry for the long post. I haven't spoken to any nurses about this as I don't think they have too much time for the 'part-timer'.

Thanks for reading.