Cutting costs at the hospital

Cutting costs at the hospital

From: Administration

Re: Hospital Costs

In an effort to reduce costs this year, the

following are effective immediately. Please

share this information with your patients

and physicians as soon as possible.

1. Food service will be discontinued

immediately. Patients wishing to eat will

want to get their families to bring them a

brown bag meal, or you may make your own

arrangements with Subway, Dominoes, etc.

Coin-operated telephones will be available

in patient rooms for this purpose.

2. Our PBX operators have all been let go,

so if you are walking through the lobby and

hear the telephone ringing, please answer it.

3. We have found it necessary to make

substantial reductions in our transport

team so we ask the cooperation of all

patients. One transporter will take at

least six patients in wheelchairs at a

time to Radiology, PT and other services.

Please form a "train" by holding tightly

on to the handles of the wheelchair in

front of you.

4. Our Emergency Room is really busy from

3 PM to 11 PM so, if you can, please have

your accidents and heart attacks in the

mornings or early afternoons. That would

really help to reduce your wait.

5. To expedite surgery cases, all AM admits

and outpatient surgery patients are asked to

be at the hospital 3 hours prior to surgery.

Go to Central Sterile Supply, pick up a clean

instrument tray & surgery pack and proceed to

the Surgery Holding area. To help us reduce

drug costs, please take several Aleve prior

to arriving at the hospital for surgery.

6. Patients anticipating the need for a bedpan

can check one out in the gift shop. They will

be available in a wide variety of colors and

styles to meet the aesthetic and physical

requirements of our patients. A deposit will

be required but is fully refundable if bedpans

are returned clean.

7. To reduce patients' lengths of stay,

nurses will have a choice of using in-line

skates or skateboards. To expedite response

to patient's needs and discharges, nurse call

systems will be modified and will be wired to

a collar worn by nurses, which will deliver a

mild shock when pushed by the patient.

8. Taking a cue from the airlines, Respiratory

Therapists will be replaced by oxygen masks

which will, should the need arise, automatically

drop from the ceiling over patient beds. If

this occurs, please place the mask over your

nose and mouth and breathe normally.

9. The hospital got a real sweet deal on

surplus white waiters' jackets and these

will be issued to all physicians. Doctors,

we apologize in advance because the jackets

already had a first name embroidered on the

pocket. We will work with you to find a

name that you can live with. If you also

are on the staff at the University Hospital,

we hope this won't be a problem. We recognize

that in academic settings, "length of coat

status" is very important.

10. All first time moms are asked to

volunteer to help out on the Pediatrics

floor - not only will this reduce hospital

costs, but it will give you a much needed

experience and a dose of reality after ogling

over your own precious sleeping bundle of joy.

11. Housekeeping and physical therapy are being

combined. Mops will be issued to those patients

who are ambulatory, thus providing range-of-motion

exercises as well as a clean environment. Family

members and friends of patients and ambulatory

patients may also sign up to clean public areas

to receive special discounts on their final

bills. Time cards will be provided.

12. Plant operations and Engineering are being

eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the

TIME-LIFE "How to..." series of maintenance

books. These books can be checked out from

administration and a toolbox will be standard

equipment on all nursing units. We will be

receiving the series at a rate of one volume

every other month. We already have the volume

on Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem

occurs, please try to handle it as best as you

can until the appropriate volume arrives.

13. Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be

accommodated by only performing blood-related

lab tests on patients who are already bleeding.

14. Physicians will be informed that they may

order no more than two x-rays per patient stay.

This is due to the turnaround time required by

Walgreen's photo lab. Two prints will be

provided for the price of one, and physicians

are being advised to clip coupons from the

Sunday paper if they want extra sets.

Walgreen's will honor all competitors' coupons

for one-hour processing in emergency situations,

so if you come across coupons from other vendors,

please clip them and send them to the Emergency

Department.

15. In light of the extremely hot summer

temperature and the high A/C bills that we

received last summer, out new policy is to have

fans available for sale or lease in the hospital

gift shop. For those patients who do not wish

to use electric fans, the old reliable hand held

cardboard fans on a stick are free upon request.

16. The cost of hospital gowns continues to

escalate so patients are asked to bring their

own pajama top which nurses will be happy to

slit up the back for you. Pajama bottoms are

not permitted on patient units.

17. On the way to the hospital, please stop by

Target or Wal-Mart and pick up two sets of

twin bed sheets. Should you require extra

linens during your stay, coin- operated

washers and dryers are available for patient

use.

18. Administration is assuming responsibility

for grounds keeping duties. If an Administrator

cannot be reached by calling the Administrative

Offices, it is suggested that you walk outside

and listen for the sound of a lawn mower,

weed-whacker, etc.

19. All patients scheduled for a mammogram are

to stop first at "Hooters" for a preliminary

check out.

If you have any questions regarding these cost

cutting measures, please let us know. Thank

you for your cooperation.

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From: The Staff

To: Administration

Re: Hospital Cost-Cutting Policy

The allergists voted to scratch it.

The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.

The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.

The microsurgeons were thinking along the same vein.

The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.

The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.

The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

The orthopedists issued a joint resolution.

The parasitologists said, "well, if you encyst."

The pathologists yelled, "over my dead body!"

The pediatricians said, "grow up."

The proctologists said, "we are in arrears."

The psychiatrists thought it was madness.

The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The radiologists could see right through it.

The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.

The plastic surgeons said, "this puts a whole new face on the matter."

The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.

The D.O.s thought they were being manipulated.

The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.

The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

And the otologists were deaf to the idea.

The new policy didn't fly!

(at first!)