CPT Code Titles

Published Jul 19, 2003

by d kitty

I've recently had to do a LOT of research into medical procedure codes with a few coworkers. Thankfully, it's provided more than just a bit of very tasteless humor. Here are a few of the results sent back and forth via e-mail:

AIRWAY INHALATION TREATMENT

Nurse: Um, Doctor... how exactly are we going to get this lollypop into her bronchial tubes?

Patient: Ok so I stand here on the tarmac in front of that 737 coming in for a landing. Right?

Doc: Yes.

P: And you want me to see how much of the plane I can suck into my lungs?

D: Yes we call this AIRWAY INHALATION TREATMENT

RESIDUAL LUNG CAPACITY

Doc: So Mister Smith, let's see just how much residue your lung can hold!

VITAL CAPACITY TEST

Doc: So Mister Smith, let's see just how much Kool-Aid your bladder can hold!

Mr. Smith we come to you on a matter of national security. It is vital to the continuance of the American way of life that we find out exactly how many golf balls can be fit into your body at the same time. Your country needs you.

Extracranial Study

I thought phrenology wasn't recognized by medical science anymore.

Hmmmm. Her reflexes are ok but we really need to study that extra cranium.

DOPPLER ECHO EXAM, HEART

Nurse: How's the weather in the right ventricle?

Hmmmm I'm not so sure we calibrated the machine properly nurse. According to these readings all parts of the patients heart are heading away from each other at the speed of light. Nurse? Nurse!? Hello? Anybody?

CARDIOVASCULAR STRESS TEST

Doc (speaking to nurse while staring at corpse on the floor near a popped balloon): He failed, eh?

HEART/LUNG RESUSCITATION CPR

Doc: The heart! It just won't start again! I've shocked it eleven times!

Nurse: Doctor! Leave my valentine's day candy alone! Oh look... the chocolate is all melted now. Thank you very much. *hmpf*

EVOKED AUDITORY TEST

Patient: You think I'm deaf, eh?

Doc: Well... I...

Patient: Yeah you do! Then test me! Go on! Do it! Test me!

In nomine patri et fili et spiritu...

Oops sorry, that's an INVOKED AUDITORY TEST

ACOUSTIC REFLEX TESTING

Doc: This is the sound of a hammer striking your knee.

Patient: No... I still don't want to kick.

Doc: Damn!

BOO!!!!!

TEXAN ACOUSTIC REFLEX TESTING

Single payor universal healthcare.

BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!

Yup he passed.

ACOUSTIC REFLEX DECAY TEST

Morgue Attendant: The Acoustic Reflex Test isn't going to work any better on a dead guy.

Doc: Damn!

Ok you didn't feel like kicking an hour ago. Any change now? Call you back in a month? How about new years?

TYMPANOMETRY

Nurse (pointing to a patient's chart): What's this procedure?

Doc: Oh that? Someone was having wild sexual games in a full orchestra. Take a guess where the tympani found itself in the morning.

Nurse: Oh!

SINUSOIDAL ROTATIONAL TEST

Doc: Sit still Mister Johnson! I'm going to stick this pair of needle nosed pliers up your nose and see how far your sinuses rotate.

EYE EXAM ESTABLISHED PAT

Doc: Hi Pat. Same old, same old?

Pat: Yeah.

Doc. Ok then. Please read the top line...

*Motion sensor active, begin visual monitoring*

*Subject enters*

*Subject approaches security mirror*

*Subject stares into mirror. Running retinal scan*

*Identity established. Opening security door*

*Activate greeting*

"welcome to the NSA Agent Pat."

*Closing security door*

*Resume passive monitoring*

ELECTROCONVULSIVE THERAPY

Ah! I'm ok. I'm ok. Walk it off! Walk it off!

MEDICATION MANAGEMENT

Club Owner: That's too steep.

Manager: OK, look, Prozac won't go on stage for less than a grand. Maybe I can knock a little more off Lithium and Benadryl's price but I'm telling ya, it won't be easy!

Manager: Nah it's not too tough working for the band. Lithium can be testy at times but so long as you've got a bowl full of M&M's with no red ones and another bowl of just red ones and can keep switching them in time with the mood swings ya get by. Prozac's never a problem, never. No groupie issues, just a nice calm musician. Benadryl *laughs* Nah Ben's cool. Just give him his drums and a place to crash and he's golden.

FAMILY PSYCHOTHERAPY

Mother: I just... *sob* I don't know what to do?

Doc: Well, I honestly think that...

Son (scream/ singing): Psychotherapy! Psychotherapy! Psychotherapy! That's what they wanna give to me!

FAMILY PSYTX W/O PATIENT

Doc: Patient? We don't need no stinking patient!

SPECIAL STAINS

Nurse (storming out of an office that was recently occupied by a patient): Doctor, you DO put the sheets in the washroom after your little romps with the receptionist... right?

Ken Starr. Enough said.

Tissue Exam by Pathologist

Pathologist: Ok, class, listen carefully... what is to be used when you must blow your nose? Anyone?

Yup thats there's certainly tissue. *Chew, chew*

Anybody got any mustard?

CYTOPATHOLOGY, FLUIDS

Nurse: *gasp* The cytopathologists are dehydrated! What do we do? What DO we DO!?!?

RBC ANTIBODY SCREEN

Salesman: This screen is so fine that not even blood antibodies can slip through it!

Nurse: Whoa! That would be the shiznit for bong hits!

STREPTOCOCCUS SCREEN DIRECT

Nurse: Ah, Mister Streptococcus, please step through that screen door and the doctor will be with you shortly.

Director, from the chair rig: Ok, this is a take people! Mister Streptococcus you just need to walk down shot and hit the owl in the eye with the mallet. Remember, not to look at the camera. Ok? Action. That's right Mr. S... Don't look at the camera... I said don't look at the camera... DON'T LOOK AT THE BLOODY CAMERA!! CUT!!!

Mr. S: Well you shouldn't have put the little ducky on it then.

ANTINUCLEAR ANTIBODIES

Judge: You don't have a nucleus. You don't have a body. I don't see how you expect to try the case Mister Prosecutor.

*noun* Chemical substances produced by nuclear power plants and weapon facilities to discourage protesters.

URINE PREGNANCY TEST

Doc: Did you go the bathroom?

Patient: Yes.

Doc: Did you pee?

Patient: Yes.

Doc: Was there a baby in the toilet when you finished?

Patient: No.

Doc: Well then, you're not a mother. Next!

Patient: Do you have the results doctor?

Doc: Yes, I can categorically state that your urine is not pregnant.

Patient: !?!

Doc: Would you like me to run the test on your wife?

URINALYSIS, NONAUTO W/SCOPE

Patient: So, let me get this right. I can pee anywhere but in the car?

Doc: Yes, as long as you are gargling with Scope at the same time.

Patient: Are you trying to tell me I can't pee alone?

Doctor: Yes but it won't be as bad as all that. I will simply monitor you by looking through this small scope.

Patient: Your a bit of a pervert aren't you doc.

Doctor: Yes you are quite right but I work cheap.

ACUTE HEPATITIS PANEL

Bystander #1: Um... it's yellow.

Bystander #2: Yeah.

Judge 1: Nope too much gray with the yellow.

Judge 2: Nope, didn't score high enough on the talent portion.

Judge 1: Wow!

Judge 2: You said it.

Together: Now that's a cute hepatitis.

BASIC METABOLIC PANEL

Jeb! I says I wunted basic wuud pan'lin on that thar wall! Ya num'skull!

LIPID PANEL

Salesman: And you too can have big squares of lard coating the inner walls of your home!

Salesman: And the best feature of lipid paneling is the savings on air conditioning costs. When the mercury rises in the summer, the walls simply melt away! For this kind of ventilation you would normally expect to pay much, much more. The residue can be a slight problem, I admit, but that is easily dealt with. And just wait until you're driven naked and screaming from your home by a vast satanic cloud made up of millions on enraged biting flies! It's a hoot!

COMPREHEN METABOLIC PANEL

Patient: I have to fly all the way to Copenhagen to have this test?!?!

Doctor: Uh... no.

Doc: The way I see it we could run either the comprehensible or the incomprehensible metabolic panel.

Patient: I think I'll go with the cheaper one.

Doc: Nurse! Please bring in the monkeys please, and see if you can find the green crayon this time.

HEART WALL MOTION ADD-ON

Salesman: And with this new Dramamine dispenser on the wall of your right ventricle...

HEART IMAGE (3D), MULTIPLE

Doctor: Nurse! Nurse! I need my 3-D glasses, stat.

Woah!! That ventricle just jumps right at you.

Man I gotta try this stoned!!

RADIOLOGY PORT FILM(S)

Tonight's showing: Venice X-Rays!

Radiation Treatment Delivery

FedEx Person: *hack* *cough* Here's your... *hack* *cough* ...cesium sir it... *hack* ...please sign here. *cough* *thud*

SET RADIATION THERAPY FIELD

Doc to grounds staff: OK, look, I want RU-36 at the ten, fifteen, and twenty five yard markers. After that...

RADIATION THERAPY PLANNING

Doc to nurse: Were plutonium enemas been banned by the Geneva Convention?

Doc to nurse: Were plutonium enemas banned by the Geneva Convention?

Nurse to doc: Oooo! Talk about your critical mass.

OB US, FOLLOW-UP, PER FETUS

Up and down the mulberry bush, the OB followed the fetus...

Perry Mason: So it is only on the unsubstantiated word of the fetus that the prosecution contends that Mr. Obus ever followed up? Is that your contention?

Hamilton Berger: Objection! Council is leading the witness.

OB US */= 14 WKS, SNGL FETUS

Fetus One: So, Susie's fetus is pretty hot. You hooked up with her yet?

Fetus Two: Nah, I can't seem to get any... been single for fourteen weeks.

US EXAM, BREAST(S)

Professor: What was Betsy Ross' cup size? Anyone?

I exam breasts. You exam breasts. We exam breasts. Us exam breasts.

US EXAM OF HEAD AND NECK

Professor: Who was the seventh president of the United States? Head? Neck? Do either of you know?

ECHO EXAM OF EYE

HELLO, EYE?!?! Hello Eye? hello eye... WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR!?!? What Is Your Favorite Color? what is your favorite color...

Patient: Let me get this straight.

Doc: ok.

P: you are going to take that mallet.

D: Yes.

P: That twenty pound brass mallet.

D: Yes, we've found that brass gives the best resonance.

P: *Excited* And your are going to hit me with it? IN THE EYE!?!

MAMMOGRAM, SCREENING

Ok Ms Dodge, we want you to shove your b00bs through the tiny holes in this wire mesh and...

Lights! Camera! Mammogram!

CT ABDOMEN W/O&W/DYE

To dye the abdomen or not to dye the abdomen...

Weather it is nobler in the abdomen to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous ct's or to take up dye and by opposing end them.

*hear that? That's Shakespeare hammering on his coffin lid trying to get out to kill me for this one*

CT ABDOMEN W/O DYE

Bad abdomen! No dye! No dye for you!

CT PELVIS W/DYE

Salesman: Dyed pelvis! Get your died pelvis right here! My name is Earl Shive and I can dye that pelvis for $39.95!!

So I've been seeing him for like a week now. Uh huh. And... well he wants to dye my pelvis. Is that too kinky?

CT HEAD/BRAIN

Zombie: Brains...

CT HEAD/BRAIN W/O DYE

Zombie: Dyed brains...

CT HEAD/BRAIN W/O&W DYE

Zombie: Assorted brains...

I like my brains in plaid!!

PANORAMIC X-RAY OF JAWS

Now see the movie that started oceanic horror in PANORAMIC X-RAY VISION!

X-RAY EXAM OF SINUSES

And on Friday your sinuses will be quizzed...

REMOVE FOREIGN BODY FROM EYE

Blasted Canadians... always flouncing about in the cornea...

CARPAL TUNNEL SURGERY

Doc: See, we put a carp on each of your wrists. They tunnel into your arms and...

Don't you see! It's carp.. doing surgery... in TUNNELS!!

LAMINOTOMY, SINGLE LUMBAR

Doc: Are you sure you only want one lumbar laminated?

INJECT SPINE

Having trouble standing up to the bullies on the block? Try new, injectable spine!

INJECT SPINE W/CATH

Having trouble standing up to the bullies on the block AND you can't go the bathroom? Try new, injectable spine with catheter!

Next on the brutality channel; "Injecting Spines with Cathy!"

Focus Radiation Bean

Radiation Bean: I can't do it Mister Miyagi!

Mister Miyagi: Focus Radiation Beam!

BRAIN ANEURYSM REPR, SIMPLE

Salesman: These are much more popular than my line of complex brain aneurysms!

BRAIN ANEURYSM REPR, SIMPLE

Brain aneurysms for dummies, the revised spleen edition!

TREATMENT OF MISCARRIAGE

Doc: Miss Carriage?

Miss Carriage: Yes?

Doc: Please have a lollypop.

Miss Carriage: Oh goody!

ATTEMPTED VBAC DELIVERY

UPS was here at _11:10_AM_. Your package was left:

___ With the apartment manager.

___ On the front porch.

___ With your neighbor's destructive kid, yeah, the one who shoots bottle rockets at you when you drink too much.

_x_ With the other neighbor, the one who tried to blackmail you with photos they took while you boinked the last UPS delivery person.

VBAC CARE AFTER DELIVERY

First, open the package. Then, you take a car battery, an extension cord, a bag of popcorn, and a bottle of liquid soap...

CESAREAN DELIVERY

Congratulations! It's a baby Roman Emperor!

CESAREAN DELIVERY ONLY

Oh, thank (insert deity here)! It's only a baby Roman Emperor!

FETAL NON-STRESS TEST

Patient: So, let me get this right... you want to see what happens when the fetus isn't stressed?

Doc: Yes.

Patient: Because the fetus is under so much stress already, what with a nine to five job, bills to pay, a car payment to make every month, and three kids?

REVISE FALLOPIAN TUBE(S)

Professor: Is there something wrong with this fallopian tube?

Student: Perhaps, it's only a first draft.

Professor: Ah! Well then my good man, you must revise it.

DIVISION OF FALLOPIAN TUBE

Doc: See all these labor camps?

Nurse: Yes doctor.

Doc: This fallopian tube is clearly of the red faction. However, if you look at this fallopian tube...

Reporter: So those troops with the green berets?

General: Commando division.

R: and the black berets?

G: Security division. Fine body of men.

R: the blue berets?

G: On loan from the UN. Devilishly effective in the field but I cant understand a word they say.

R: So that just leaves the troops in the white squiggly berets.

G: Ah yes *wait for it* the fallopian division.

*ba dum bump*

[{fallopian tube}(Y) / 9X + B]=0

Jane, why don't you solve this one for the class.

VAGINAL HYSTERECTOMY

Nurse: Doctor! Her vag1na is going into hysterics!

Doc: Oh GODS! Not again!

Well I suppose I could but I normally use my hands. *rim shot*

TOTAL HYSTERECTOMY

Doc: We have to remove every hint of hysterics from this woman, and I mean now!

CONIZATION OF CERVIX

Guy in black with a white collar: This cervix is now a sait!

Nurse: Um... Doctor, what are the tents for?

Doc: Dammit woman! Can't you read the procedure chart notes? We have to colonize this woman's cervix!

Nurse: With all due respect, I thought we had to conize her cervix.

Doc: Oh. Yeah. My bad.

Nurse: but doctor there is nothing wrong with her

cervix.

Doc: How can you say that Nurse! Can't you see, it's.. just ... not ... conical!!

EXAM OF CERVIX W/SCOPE

Captain, we're almost through the vag1na!

Good. Up periscope!

*rim shot*

REPAIR BLADDER DEFECT

In what has been called a bold political move on the part of China's Communist Party, Maho's repaired bladder defected to Cuba earlier this morning.

The surgery was successful it is now a fully functional bladder defect.

LAP SURG; CHOLEY

Doc: Ms Keen, I'm afraid your child spent too much time in your lap. It's been damaged.

Ms Keen (sobbing): What do we do?

Doc: I'm going to have to remove it.

Removal of Sperm Duct(s)

Do I really have to make a joke out of this one?

Circumcision

No comment.

PROSTATIC MICROWAVE THERMOTX

You're going to microwave my WHAT?

CYSTOSCOPY, STONE REMOVAL

Ok, all of these potheads have to go. Now.

INJECTION BLADDER X-RAY

You're going to stick an entire x-ray machine in my WHAT?

LAPARO HERNIA REPAIR INITIAL

Patient: The ****er signed his work! He left his initials on my...

Exploration of Abdomen

Today on National Geographic...

Ok, spleen, good, gall bladder, check, back seat from a '74 Chevy impala, che.. What the!

Partial Removal of Colon

Doc! You gotta leave me SOMETHING!

ENDO CHOLANGIOPANCREATOGRAPH

Well, here's the end of the cholangiopancreatograph. Where's the rest of it?

FREEING OF BOWEL ADHESION

Doc: Eating tape again Johnny?

UPPR GI ENDOSCOPY, DIAGNOSIS

Um... well... here's the top half of the soldier. Do I dare ask where the rest of him ran off to?

REPAIR PALATE, PHARYNX/UVULA

Doc: You think this Chateau Montelena 1869 tastes like a Chateau Bouchaine 1905? Dreadful Ms Scott, just dreadful!

Ms Scott: So it's serious?

Doc: Yes, yes. You were right to come to my office. I'm afraid you'll need immediate surgery.

INSERTION OF ACCESS DEVICE

Look, if you want an internet access at all times you're just going to have to stick this little gizmo up your...

ROUTINE VENIPUNCTURE

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! OW!

Repair Arterial Blockage

You know, if we just run a cylindrical object through the square arteries...

RECHANNELING OF ARTERY

Man... cable blows. I'm gonna get one of those tiny satellite dishes.

"Release of Lung"

Now don't cry Jim-Bob. We've had it in captivity long enough for the leg to heal. It's time to set her free.

"Insert Emergency Airway"

Wait a minute doc, you're going to put that WHERE?

"STRAPPING OF ANKLE"

So, Mister Bob, the weekly ankle beating?

Repair of Hammertoe

Well, you see, Doctor Bob is going to insert this needle into your toe. Then we attach it to this air compressor...

Treat Shoulder Dislocation

Your shoulder is dislocated? Here, have a lollypop! That will be four hundred dollars please.

UPPR GI ENDOSCOPY, DIAGNOSIS

Hmmmm, judging from the endoscope this soldier is ok but I'm not so sure about the guy he's standing on.

Um... well... here's the top half of the soldier. Do I dare ask where the rest of him ran off to?

ROUTINE VENIPUNCTURE

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! OW!

Partial Removal of Lung

Doc: I'm sorry sir, what did you say? I can't understand you with half your lung hanging out of your mouth.

Yes I know, Mrs. Roberts. I realize it inconvenient that we only moved the lung to the interior of your left breast. I am very much aware of the embarrassment you must feel in apparently groping yourself in public in order to breathe. Oh! Revitalized you marriage you say. Well there's always a bright side I always say. Don't you worry we'll have you back as soon as that claim pays and finish you up good as new.

I was 3hrs into the lung removal and I thought, "You know, bugger this for a lark. I'm young, it's a beautiful day. I know where I can score some blotter acid and tickets to Ang Lee's The Hulk." So I left. Problem?

MONOCULAR ESOTROPIA

See my brothers and sisters, how we are kept poor, kept down. In their fine houses on the hill the rich revel in their binocular esotropia. Leaving us to seek out what eye disorders we can from the scraps that fall from their table.

PERMANENT TEAR DUCT PLUG

Patient: Hot glue just won't work, eh?

DRAWING BLOOD FOR SPECIMEN

Nurse: Look Mister Specimen, it's a heart! And this is how you draw a bunny...

Mister Specimen: Whoa... I'm getting dizzy.

DRUGS - UNCLASSIFIED INJECTION

Patient: Ooh! I'll take two, please!

GENERAL ANESTHESIA

Soldier # 1 (out of breath): I need to speak to the general, now!

Soldier # 2 (guarding tent): You can't. He's asleep.

IMPACT TOOTH REMOV COMP BONY

Patient (staring nervously at Doctor): I thought you were going to pull my tooth!

Doctor (holding a claw hammer): Well, I am. But first...

PARENTERAL NUTRITION COMPOUND 74-100

It's made of parents!

SPECIAL CASTING MATERIAL

Pamela Anderson-Lee! Joan Rivers! Cher! Michael Jackson!

MANUAL THERAPY

Therapist: Well Mister Smith, according to the manual...

SPECIMEN HANDLING

Police: Put the specimen down and back away slowly!

Oooh! Look! This specimen has tiny hands! Get it? Duckling=tiny duck. Handling=tiny hand. Ah, forget it...

OFFICE/OUTPATIENT VISIT, NEW

Office Manager: Nurse! A new situation has arisen! It's something we've never dealt with before! We're out of patients!

OFFICE/OUTPATIENT VISIT, EST

Patient: You mean the doctor will see me in the estuary?

Receptionist: I think so. What else could the EST stand for?

Patient: Good point!

ORAL APHTHAE

Yea that's right, i don't care about my mouth and i can't spell.

OBSERVATION CARE

Intern: But that one is beating the other one with a chair! And look! That one is eating the power cord to the television!

Psychiatrist: Yes, yes, I know. This is the hard part about observation care. We can only observe.

Intern: But that man is chewing on a live wire and...

Psychiatrist: Someone's not observing!

Intern: But...

Psychiatrist: Shush!

Intern: But...

Psychiatrist: Shh!

Intern: But...

Psychiatrist: Don't make me do the Doctor Evil thing on you.

(sound from the other room): ZAP! *thud*

*lights go out*

Intern: Uh huh. And now how do we observe with the lights out.

Psychiatrist: You can still hear, can't you?

Intern: Oh, that's it. I quit.

HOSPITAL DISCHARGE DAY

Memo from Highline Community Hospital: Dear Employees, Please be in the south wing and ready to discharge tomorrow at six thirty PM.

HEMATURIA

*singing* We're off on the road to Hematuria. We certainly do get around.....

NONSP SKIN ERUPTION NEC LABATORY EXAMINATION.

Patient: whew I'm sure glad we got that thing off my skin. What was it anyway?

Doc: *distracted. looking at chart with a large biohazard stamp on it* I'm afraid I can't tell you

until we get the report back ...*growing paler and paler as he reads* ... from the lab. Excuse me.

*rushes out*

Doc: *shouting* Nurse get that sample to level 4 containment stat!

Nurse: *screams*

Doc: Oh my god noooo!!

Patient internal monologue: Hmmm this isn't good. Let me think. Needlessly melodramatic opening, No adequate back story, Ominous yet repetitive music playing. The cupboards appear to be cosmetic, none of them open. Hmmm corners and edges don't seem to quite meet flush. Just need one more piece of evidence to be sure.

*opens drawer*

Yep, I was right. One vaguely military style yet strangely weightless pistol. I'm in a half-life mod.

Strange that the lights are still working.

*Faint boom, lights flicker and die*

Aha. Well I hope whoever's playing this has the god codes.

*Patient kicks door open. Shoots the now zombified doc twice, dodges past the zombie nurse. And sprints down the corridor looking for the first gratuitous jumping puzzle.*

JOINT PAIN - SHOULDER

Today, in what has been referred to as the Joint Pain Initiative, a large 2x4 and a claw hammer cooperated in the near destruction of an unidentified North Seattle man's shoulder. The attack was reportedly unprovoked and...

Dude! My hand is over here! Harsh, man now I've got a hole in my shirt.

JOINT PAIN - LOWER LEG

Dude! That's it, you are like SO cut off.

JOINT PAIN - HAND

Well you are getting better.

JOINT PAIN - PELVIS

You bastard!!

...Hematoma due to Motorcycle verses...

Vogon road poetry?