Clinical = nightmare?

[Nickytoto]

Clinical= nightmare?

Warning: long, and probably a rant (I'm not too sure). Sorry if it has heaps of typos: I haven't spell checked.

To get my context, I'm a second year nursing student doing a bachelor of nursing degree in Australia. I went into university straight after high school.

My first and second clinical weeks (first semester) were really good. I learnt a lot and the nurses were supportive to me and each other...

My third clinical experience, during the second semester, was at a private rehab hospital, the neuro ward. For our clinicals, we write out our goals beforehand. I wanted to be tested on priming an IV line etc etc, but there were none. The day was slow as anything... The pts didn't even need showering. The RN I was assigned to would snap at me if I asked questions, tell me to go ask a doctor, etc... And then continue being pleasant to the patients and the other student. I passed her off as not being worth my time; it's not my fault if she was nasty.

My fourth clinical experience was at the same hospital, at a different ward- orthopaedic. Nurses would be talking and laughing with a patient, and then they would see me approproaching to answer the call light and their faces would fall and I'd get the customary cringe. I discussed these things with my facilitator, and she discussed it with the Nurse unit manager... Nothing. I didn't take it personally because they were even nastier to one of the other students. I even asked the nurse I was assigned to, to countersign my nursing report, but she never did. I had to get another RN to countersign (after getting into some trouble with my facilitator). I realised I started dreading going to clinical... Whereas last placement I looked forward everyday to how much I would learn. I kept on reminding myself about last placement, trying to draw on earlier memories. I thought about getting a job as an AIN in a public hospital, but you need to be second year for that. So, next year, I promised myself.

My fifth clinical experience was two weeks ago... I was at a rehab ward in a public hospital. I was initially excited to be back at this hospital again. I started out feeling cold, it had being too many months since my last clinical. I had spent my break working on my business. I struggled to wake up and get into the routine again, as well as feeling bone-achingly tired from a virus. At the fourth day an RN on the ward (not the one I was assigned to), the clinical nurse specalist, took me aside from the pts room and asked me if I wanted to do a wound dressing. Ok, I said. I was planning to do one with my facilitator tomorrow, because I had never done one on a real person before and was feeling cautious. I guess my motto is never do something unless you can do it just right. But I wasn't going to turn down an opportunity to learn. The RN was pressuring me to go faster, telling me I had ten mins. Telling me not to be so careful. I'm not a person who does well under pressure. I turn into stone. I messed things up. He kept on rolling his eyes and sighing, telling me I should know this by now, because he went to the same uni as me. All in front of the pt. I felt like my face was on fire, I was so ashamed of myself. Afterwards when cleaning up I was composing myself and trying not to cry; I was thinking, just wash up, check if your pts have a call light on, and take your lunch break.

The RN took me aside into the supplies room and started telling me about how important it was for me to be involved rather than a spectator. How much more initative I need to take, to put myself out there when other things like wound dressings need to be done. He told me about how when he was a student he did "1000s" of wound dressings. He told me about how hard he had studied, and had to look everything up when he was writing his essays, but yet he still passed. How important time management skills are. He told me about how heavy the responsiblity is, how seriously I should be taking it. He told me how hard it was for new grads to get jobs these days because there aren't enough places. How I should be getting a job as an AIN, etc. And then there was this...

"We need to keep our standards up. You haven't go much going for you right now. The other staff and I have being watching you and talking about you. I'm hearing things like, even the trainee enrolled nurse is better than you, talking about how slow you are. You haven't had any positive feedback from anybody, even your facilitator. I really badly want to give you positive feedback. We also sometimes critique the new grads, pointing out what they do badly. I don't don't think you're in danger of failing."

This went straight through my breastplate and I started sobbing hard. I hadn't heard any feedback from anybody all week!! I had no idea about any of this. If the nurses I was assigned to had told me, "I feel as though you need to improve on this area, and this is specifically how you can improve..." no way would I have taken it personally. I would have loved it. There is only so much self evaluation can do. I realised how helpful a facilitator could be first week.

The RN gave me some tissues, he talked some more and then left... I composed myself, checked if any call lights were on, and then went to the bathroom, locked myself in a stall and cried for the entire lunch break. The RN I was assigned to that day checked up on me, but I was so distressed I wasn't ready to talk. I was so embarassed about the other female nurses being able to hear me (I couldn't hold the sobs in). I was praying really hard as I was crying, feeling like I was being put through the crucible. After washing my hands and getting to the door I overheard my facilitator talking with the RN who took me aside earlier. They were discussing that I had time management problems... So it's true, I thought. I am s*** at all of this. I was talking to my facilitator about my asessment and then suddenly broke down crying. She took me aside and I admitted that I had overheard the conversation she had had with the RN. I didn't tell her about the "private" one in the supplies room. I was still feeling shattered about it. She could tell I was hiding something. My facilitator told me I was right where I needed to be for a second year student, that I was going really well, etc.

I still cried the 1.5 hours travel to home.

I'm now terrified to get back into clinical... Number one I didn't feel respected by the other nursing staff. I am thinking, so I get in now and then later put up with times of being scrutinised behind my back with that "new grad" label stamped on my forrid... Why should I bother when it will just make me feel like s*** for ages ?? I'm not iron woman, I am a person. The heavy responsibility is getting to me, sometimes I wonder if I would be better off being an EN as a job instead. Two big things in what I want out of a profession include being able to help other people, and feeling respected... Nursing hasn't always made me feel respected. What if I go for a job as an AIN, and then make a few mistakes and the same sort of thing happens all over again? It's not like I have references to get another job. No other career appeals to me at this moment in time.

I don't know what to do.

[llg, PhD, RN]

I'm American, not Australian ... so, please take that into consideration as you read my response.

Even though I am not from the same country, I know "bullying" when I see it. That nurse who took you aside was being a bully. He was wrong to treat you that way and you need to report that to your instructor. It sounds as if your instructor is a decent person. You need to tell her the truth ... that the nurse bullied you ... and that you are afraid to go back there because of it. She what your instructor has to say. Give her a chance to help you. She may want to deal with the nurse's inappropriate communication to you herself -- or she may be able to give you some good advice for dealing with it. Either way, she needs to know what you are dealing with.

What's the worst that can happen when you talk with your instructor? Even if she isn't as supportive as you would like her be, then you haven't lost much. You're already devastated by what happened and thinking of quitting. It can't get much worse than that.

Give your instructor a chance to help you. Don't suffer silently from having been abused.