can you please help with my admissions letter for nursing school

[calihelper]

Hi, I am desperately trying to get into a nursing school! It is highly competivive and hoping you can give me suggestions on things I can change or suggestions... Thank you!

I have put XXX in place of my person information :) Please give honest opinions. I gracefully accept critisism.

here it is:

Dear Dean of Admissions,

My life experiences have helped me to realize that nursing is my calling. I feel the best about myself when I am given the opportunity to help and care for others, and It would be my dream to complete the Nursing Program at your incredible institution.

It was the day after my wedding in 2003 that ultimately confirmed my desire to pursue a career in nursing. I had just arrived in Las Vegas with my new husband when I called home to let them know we had arrived. I instantly could tell by the tone in my sisters XXXX voice that something was wrong. After I persistently begged then to tell me what the problem was she broke the news to me. My 20 year old sister XXXX has been diagnosed with AML ( Acute Myeloid Leukemia). Those were the scariest words that I had ever heard. I stood there paralyzed in fear with a terrible feeling of helplessness. Immediately we flew home to be surrounded by our loved ones. Little did I know it at the time , this was just the beginning of our travels for XXXXX treatment. XXXXX immediately began her first round of chemotherapy treatment at XXXXX before being transferred to Dartmouth Hitchcock Medical Center in NH for a stem cell transplant. This had been my first experience with any type of cancer or illness. I spent many hours researching Leukemia, blood cells, stem cells, and bone marrow trying to learn as much as I could so I could understand what was happening. The effects of the chemotherapy therapy in preparation for the stem cell and bone marrow transplant were extremely painful and devastating. XXXX lived in isolation at the hospital for several months at a time. We had to wear masks, gowns and gloves to be with her. We all took turns sleeping at the hospital with her. She was never alone. We all pulled together and helped care for her. We were disappointed to learn that the stem cell transplant was a failure and we were now in need of a bone marrow donor. The next step was traveling to Dana-Farber Cancer Institute for a bone marrow transplant. My sister asked me to have a bone marrow drive and to help try to find a donor for her.

It was Valentines day 2004 in XXXXX XXX where one of my biggest accomplishments occurred and a life changing moment in my life. We had two weeks to try to put together a bone marrow drive for XXXX and raise money to fund it. Our family worked day and night gathering donations, and getting the word out to media and news agencies about our drive. We all worked very hard and were able to pull it together. We had no idea how many people were going to show up. We had hoped for fifty or sixty. Each bone marrow kit involved a blood draw that cost $60.00. If people couldn't afford it we asked they come anyways because our family wouldn't turn anyone away. We had a bone marrow drive that brought in over 500 people! We ended up running out of kits and having to turn people away. It was a miracle. This day changed my life and the way I view the world. People that were unable to donate for medical reasons donated money for other people that showed up and couldn't afford it. We had a couple come in on the morning of their wedding to donate to see if they were a match for my sister. It was amazing people all day donating their time, blood and money to help a complete stranger. It still brings me to tears thinking about how wonderful and caring people are. My sister didn't find a match at our drive but two other people did! There is no better feeling in the world than knowing because we had this bone marrow drive for my sister that two other people in the world got a second chance at living and keeping their loved ones around longer. My sister passed away exactly one year after her initial diagnosis. I feel that her illness and death had formed who I am today. I know for certain who I am and what I want to do with my life. I was born to help people and I feel go good when I am doing it.

I have continued to work closely with Bethematch.org (formerly new England marrow donor program)trying to get people to join the registry. I run bone marrow drives and recruit people whenever possible. I know that every person does make a difference and I proved it. My long term goals are to work with oncology patients preferably in a transplant center. I feel that I need to pay it forward. I have leaned that it is the little and big things that make such a big difference to a patient dealing with an illness. I have great compassion and empathy for the patients and their loved ones.

As a caregiver for the XXXXXXX I work in an apartment building with ten residents that are paraplegic or quadriplegic. The residents rely on me and my fellow coworkers for activities of daily living such as toileting, showering, eating, dressing, cleaning, food preparation, and any personalized goals they have. This job has times where it is physically and emotionally draining. There are times when you are dealing with body fluids that can make most people nauseous I am able to work through these challenges and focus on the task at hand which is helping the patient.

　

I have began taking courses at the XXXXX in XXXXX. I have thus far taken Anatomy and Physiology I and II , Nutrition, Psychology, Math Concepts, and Human Growth and Development and excelled in all of them despite the challenges of being a stay at home mom of three children ages 4,6 and 17. It was very challenging at times to balance parenthood and the intensive academics. It proves that I am determined when I set my mind on something.

I am hoping for the opportunity to fulfill my calling through completion of the Nursing Program at XXXXXX. I realize that this program is highly competitive I think through my life experiences and good grades that is a good indicators that I will successfully complete the nursing program and become an exceptional nurse. It is my first choice to study at the XXX campus, if there are openings in other locations in the state (especially XXXX) I am willing to travel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

[Sarah010101]

Hi :) I really liked your essay. I am so jealous that you actually get time to write yours and send it in. When I had to do mine, it was 2 pages double spaced.. and we got 30 mins to write.. it was at an info session :)

Like you, I talked about my grandma and her battle with Ovarian cancer... which seems to now be a pattern in my family.

I do notice though that your essay is more of a story about your sister and her battle. Yes you have put things in about how those events have shaped you, but I think writing more about WHAT would make you a great nurse or a better candidate for the program than another individual.

I do like how you wrote about that fundraiser (shows leadership skills), and I appreciate your "what your doing now" kind of segment. However powerful your story is... i feel that it focuses on your sisters story, more than your own.

Then again that is just my opinion and it is your essay, and therefore you have to love it too :) 3 years ago I was in your position and wanting to be a nurse sooo bad.

Thankyou for sharing

[calihelper]

Thank you Sarah. I couldnt agree with you more about telling my sisters story. I felt the same way but my family thought it was perfect. Maybe I should talk more about my experiences having a huge DVT( Blood clot) during my pregnancy and becoming a teen mom at 17! The visiting nurses really helped me through those challenging times. I have also given birth to three children and had wonderful experiences. Thank you for taking time to respond :)

[Sarah010101]

Hi :)

Yeah I know in mine I talked about how inspired I was by the teaching that the nurses were doing and how they literally had way more to do than i even knew... Nurses are not just the ones that give you medication, they assess your needs in hospital and when you leave. They change the bed, they change your dressing, they help you bathe, they councel you, they teach teach teach, they are there to listen, they are part of a team of health care professionals etc etc.. the list goes on and on

I just think you need to focus on you. The admissions office or whoever will be reading this does not care that you had a DVT.. but rather they want to know WHY you want to be a nurse and what sets you apart from everyone else. Yes you are caring and yes you like people and yes you went through a traumatic event with your own and your sister.. but, what inspired you to become a nurse?... you need to sound passionate, motivated..

I think that your sisters story is great, but all you need to say is "when a family member became ill..." and thats all they need to know. And you can bet that someone else (meaning everyone), will have a similar story.

I know at my school there was only a certain amount of points that you could be given for the essay.. and then the interview, grades... etc. I am not sure how it works with your school that you are applying to!

[Queen Tiye, CNA]

hi calihelper, sorry for the loss of your loved one . . . you are great sister to share her compelling story. you indeed are the stuff that terrific nurses are made of . . . compassion, sensitivity, sincerity, true motivation and inspiration to the call of duty.

you are good at keeping a story in sequence, it flowed well. it would be even better if you really hit 'em in the face with real sound examples of why you are destined to be a nurse, you don't need to convince them, just tell them the truth about why you will be the best nurse ever and why you want it so bad. this will be easy for you because it's the truth.

1. the first paragraph is great for expressing the main idea of the entire narrative . . . express the main idea in one sentence and then support it with a few others. "the nurses made my sister's quality of life their mission . . ." "my family was so vulnerable and clueless as to how to help xxxx, we had to have competent, compassion nurses that we knew would advance the best course of action possible . . ."

keep with it with each paragraph. . . each paragraph focused on an idea. it may help to also jot down the responsibilities on a nurse, her skills, her education. and then add that information to make sure you work around the key components of what nursing entails.

you'll do great.