Being new just reeks

[Hoosiernurse, ADN, RN]

Firstly, I want to thank this website for being a place I can come and cry and identify with so many people's experiences. I know I am not alone...

I am 39 and decided to become a nurse. I fought my way through nursing school like many of us did, with children at home and a husband I hardly saw while I was scooting through tests and books. Then I went through the hell of getting my NCLEX done, passed, got the license, HORRAH! While in school I signed a tuition benefit agreement that said I had to work for one of the hospitals in a group for three years in order to have my tuition forgiven. Sounded like the best situation! Yeah...

There were no jobs available at the hospital I wanted to work for when it was time for me to graduate, and I was worried about getting my obligation filled. If you didn't get a job fairly soon after graduation, your entire balance became due, and for me that would have been 18,000 bucks! I went to another hospital, an inner city one with 75% of its clientele being uninsured. I figure, hey, I can deal....no problems. I'm here to learn.

I was told a lot of crap by the recruiter that has turned out to be lies, the floor I went on was totally misrepresented. I had no previous experience in nursing so I went in blind and desperate to take the first thing they offered me so I would have my tuition benefit payments taken care of.

While I have done a good job on the floor, I am constantly in a state of raw anxiety, bumbling, stuttering, blanking out on info. We have a morning meeting that we have to go to an talk about the patients we have and project a discharge date for them. This is pretty tough to do when I have seen them for perhaps 15 minutes that morning, and am still learning about what many of their issues will mean for their dischange. I have to do this in front of several higher ups, and one time my manager asked me a question and they laughed at my answer...not in a good natured way. It really hurt.

I have suffered from social anxiety for years now, and it really was hard on me during school. I managed to self-talk my way out of it then, but this job, with it's high stress for 12 hours and constant action, has just about done me in. I am now on Paxil to try to make it through the last three months before I have been there the mandatory 6 months. I have been told no other hospitals in the area will hire me unless I have been on this job for at least 6 months.

This last Friday I called in for the first time. I have never been late, never been sick, but I got hit with a migraine that had me vomiting and I just couldn't make it. At clinicals when I had to call in, I was required to call the charge nurse and tell her. So that's what I did, and they said, "Yes, fine." and hung up. I found out later that I was suppose to call staffing and leave a message on their Code-A-Phone. Staffing called and left a message saying, "For future reference, call this number and let us know. If you have any questions, call me back at....." I thought, oh, I did that wrong, and filed it away as a learning experience. I went back to trying to sleep off the pain in my head. About an hour later, I got an angry call from my boss. She informed me that on THIS UNIT we don't just call in and leave a message with the charge nurse. I tried to tell her that staffing had called and let me know that, but what I didn't get from the message from staffing was that I was supposed to call that number RIGHT THEN and leave a message. I mean, I thought if staffing knew about my absence enough to call, I didn't need to call back and tell them I was absent! My manager was really honked and said, "Let me transfer you to staffing so you can go on record officially for today." and while I was saying something else to her, she hung up on me! I left my message and went back to holding my head.

I was really hurt. I never meant to cause anyone problems, and I would never do anything half-a**ed on purpose to make things harder on my co-workers. I simply didn't know. When I came to this job, I was given two weeks orientation of nothing but 8hours a day of papers and presentations. My brain was mush by the time I went home, and I certainly didn't retain everything that was told to me. When I went to the unit I was given a 3 inch ringed binder full of procedures, rules, practices, etc. And no, I have not memorized all that, either. In fact, I leave it at work so I can run and refer to it while I'm there.

Later, when I wasn't hurting so badly, I started going through my paperwork to see if there was mention of this Code-A-Phone thing. There wasn't. I finally did find a single paragraph about "CALLING OFF" in one hand out where it mentioned calling the special number that it didn't refer to as staffing and you were supposed to leave a message. So yeah, I didn't know, I did it wrong, what's new. It seems like I'm always doing things wrong (not major things!) and getting the hairy eyeball from my manager. It seems like I am forever saying, "I wasn't aware of that." and running to look something up in some manual-feeling inadequate and goofy. This hospital has more paperwork, more elaborate procedure, more time-consuming nonsense, than I ever saw at the other hospitals I went to for clinicals. If it was one step at another hospital, it's two or three where I work now. Anyway, I really don't feel she was right in calling me and talking to me like I was 5, acting like I made the whole illness up, though. I went to the doc the next day to get phenergan suppositories, so the next time I get a migraine maybe I can make it through and get to work.

I know this is a long story, so thanks for reading it. I hope the Paxil makes it easier for me to cope with this work environment and make it until I can get off this hysterical med/surg floor and find something better.

Thanks,

HoosierNurse

[joseash]

Wow, I'm so sorry your workplace is that miserable. It doesn't sound like you get good support at all from your manager which is very unfortunate. I feel very lucky to be working at such a nice, friendly place. My manager is absolutely wonderful. There are a lot more horror stories like yours out there than I thought there would be. Hang in there and bide your time. I hope you are able to find a better workplace soon that will appreciate and respect you.