After bereavement....help!

[BeckyNICURN]

I took care of a 25 weeker, who after 5 months passed away. I was fairly close to the parents, but solely in a professional relationship. After he died, I sent them flowers and a card. I have since recieved an email from the mom saying how much she appreciated the care I gave her son and for continuing to think about them in their hard time. However, she proposed that we go out to lunch sometime. I talked with another nurse, who has bereavement training, and she said that it isn't a good idea to meet with the parents. She said from her experience they become dependent on us since we are the only link to their child and they feel no one else would understand. She also said that if the only thing in common is that child, then the get together are awkward. I am torn as to what to do since the mom stated she feels she and her child have been forgotten already. I don't want her to feel this way, but I have two young children and a very busy life that can't afford a dependant relationship. This sounds horrible and I don't mean it like that, but I don't even get together with my friends for lunch like I would like. I would never want her to feel rejected or forgotten, which is why I am torn. Help!!

[damarystx]

I am a bereaved parent, and have also been trained in bereavement. I would not recommend going out with her. For the same reasons that your friend mentioned. Newly bereaved parents can be very needy, I was...we want the world to come to a screeching halt to morn the loss that we have suffered and it hurts when it doesn't...After losing my son I wanted to help other bereaved parents in some way so I went through training to do so, (and decided to become a nicu nurse) and started putting together bereavement packages for parents...I learned from personal experience working with parents that they really needed a support group to help explore what they are feeling ( her feelings are very common among bereaved parents) or to seek some type of professional counseling if they were headed toward complicated grieving. What type of support services does your hospital offer bereaved parents? I recieved support for one year from the hospital that I delivered at, they really had a great bereavement program and it helped me immensely....I think if the hospital has a really good bereavement program in place it can help parents with those feelings that you say she is experiencing....if you want more info/have any questions please feel free to PM me.

[BeckyNICURN]

Thank you so much for your advice. It really helps hearing it from the perspective of a bereaved parent. If she contacts me again about going out with her, what would be the appropriate response? I would not want her to feel like I am rejecting her, but obviously need to let her know that we won't be meeting.

About our hospitals programs, we don't have any. There is no support group. We have a bereavement nurse who does follow-up with them, but nothing in the sense of a group. Unfortuntately.

Thanks again.

[ShockerGirl07]

do you guys have a policy there about outside contact with patients? if its against company policy then she will understand. If you dont, i would just explain other options that she has to cope like the post before and politely decline.

[BeckyNICURN]

Unfortunately, we don't have any policy against contact with the parents.

[Jolie, BSN]

I worked in a NICU with a very well developed bereavement program. When an infant died, the baby's primary nurse was asked to become the "bereavement contact" person for the parents. It was completely voluntary, so if that nurse was not comfortable doing so, then that roll was taken by a member of our bereavement counseling team (RNs with special training).

The bereavement contact person met with the parents and provided them with the "memory box", if desired, while the parents were still at the hospital. Staff members were encouraged to attend funeral services if they and the parents desired.

Then there was a schedule of phone calls made by the bereavement contact person to the parents over the next year. Usually by the end of 12 months, parents were ready to "let go" of the NICU staff, some sooner. Perhaps, if you are comfortable with this, you could suggest a set time for a phone call with this mother, rather than meeting face to face. If you don't wish to be in contact with her, please try and find another source of support for her, like a bereavement group.

Thank you for your concern for her!