I cried at work today

[algebra_demystified]

I'm a male nurse and I work in criminal psych.

I had an incident at work today that upset me so badly that I had to walk off the floor, go to the parking lot, call my wife, and cry. My voice was shaking, hands shaking, etc.

Brutal.

Just couldn't help it.

I'm still really upset. Shed a couple tears in the car on the way home.

In the end I believe that I did the right thing. Nevertheless, when I looked over my shoulder and saw security dragging that frail elderly man down the hallway against his will... The deal is I really like this patient. I like how cranky he is, how he doesn't take any crap from anybody, he'll get in anyone's face if he thinks they're dogging him out. He's got a kind side to him. He's kind to animals.

At the same time he makes such terrible choices for himself. I believe I have a responsibility to provide a safe environment for him. I understand the phrase "tough choices" but until today I didn't really get it.

By the time all the documentation was done, I was convinced on an intellectual level that I made the right call. But I'll never forget the way he called me out. I've been working with him for six months to try to get the guy to throw me a bone. Give me the slightest hint of something to chart on that will give me an excuse to advocate for your release, I said. No, he replied. I'm not gonna bend over for this place.

And he didn't.

So I gave the order to physically drag him out of bed, where he was peacefully eating a handful of candy and reading a book about animals, to a room where he went from two roommates to four, and his personal area was cut by 80%. He lost his tables, his desk, his nightstand, his lamps, the windows, his privacy, and I shredded what was left of his dignity.

That was pretty harsh.

For reasons I can't go into on a public forum I believe that I acted with integrity. And, it sucked.

[Orca, ADN, ASN, RN]

Unfortunately we have to make difficult choices sometimes. I work in a prison environment. Sometimes the choices I have to make are the right ones, but not necessarily what the person wants.

I gather from your post that your unit has certain rules regarding continued participation in the program, and your patient was not complying with them. You gave him every opportunity to succeed, but resistance was more important to him. In essence, he made the choice for you. The fact that he was likable at times made the decision more gut-wrenching, but no less right.

[algebra_demystified]

He used to tell me stories. I won't reveal anything about this patient other than that his stories were riveting. He lived a fascinating life and prospered. Some of his stories were tragic, some funny, some touching.

He offered to give me a book of stories about animals just before I had him dragged out of bed.

I literally felt like throwing up all day today. Everything makes sense on paper, but I feel like I did something bad. I just can't make it balance out. No matter what his conduct was on the ward... and it was bad. He is a cantakerous old man with a very bad attitude problem. He provokes his peers to an extent that no reasonable person can tolerate. He refuses to even discuss the possibility of nonviolent conflict resolution.

I obviously made a boundaries mistake with this patient. I really like him. I respect him and his life, his choices, his relationships. As much of a jerk as he can be, how could it be otherwise.

I have advocated for this patient strongly over the last year or so. I wanted to send him home.

He trusted me. I asked him right before the incident if he believed I had his best interest at heart, and he told me yes.

The next time I saw him he had his feet folded under him behind, with security dragging him physically by his arms, him cursing my mother's eyes and telling me I was a dirty bastard and he hated me. It was also no fun watching him be restrained against the wall when he tried to assault staff during the move.

My voice is still cracking, and I have shed tears six times or so over the last 24 hours.

He is like a wild animal.

[Orca, ADN, ASN, RN]

I obviously made a boundaries mistake with this patient.

I'm not sure that you did, since you weren't doing him favors or bringing in things he wasn't supposed to have. One thing you did do was get too personally involved with him. Granted, in any field of work we will encounter people we like more than others. It's natural. However, you have internalized so much of what has happened to this man - which was of his own doing, you were merely following regulations - that it has affected your personal life. Move forward with the very important lesson you have learned about too much personal involvement.

[LethaChristina]

Bless you, dear nurse... simply know there is no way for you to understand all that is within the soul of another--you did the best you could: you recognize that man as a human and you responded as a human. I hesitate to bring religion in here, but even Jesus' apostles couldn't prevent his crucifixion... some things are meant to be and are beyond our knowledge. Simply be open to your humanity (boundaries, schumondaries), and our lack of control when webs of forces occur that are so devastating... we are to learn from all that happens to us: perhaps a useful message to the person you describe should you ever have contact with him again... as well as an admission that you, too, learned lessons from it (these do not have to be described). Thank you for your humanity: thank you for your love to "the least of these"!