You might be a nurse if.....
You believe the first thing a person does when they enter this world, and
last thing they do before they leave it, is take a take a really big crap.
You know what a 3-H enema is...High, Hot and Hell of a lot.
You consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil.
Your friends drag you to a strip bar after work to loosen you up. The young
lady on stage does a nude spread eagle back bend with pelvic thrusts a foot
and a half from your nose. You are not aroused, but you DO think, "I could
catherize that". (True story)
You have ever tried to identify what a patient ate last by examining the
on your shoes.
You've ever basted your Thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe!
You have placed your irritating patients/family members on P.I.T.A. (Pain In
The Ass) precautions!
You're at the grocery store, look down and notice you have at least 2 body
fluids on you shoes and it doesn't bother you.
Ever told a confused patient your name was that of your co-worker and to
HOLLER if they need help
Ever referred to KY jelly as "Goober Grease"
Ever passed on the green stuff at the buffet because you are certain you
suctioned it from a patient earlier
You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky.
You have ever referred to a patient as "genetically exclusive" or
You've developed a crease between your brows from trying NOT to inhale the
various human secretions you've encountered over the years.
Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.
You believe Tylenol, Advil, or Excedrin provides a large part of your daily
calorie intake requirements.
When checking the level of orientation of a patient, you aren't sure of the
You've ever pretended to sneeze and at the same time thrown KY jelly on a
co-workers sleeve to make them think they got shot with a hocker.
You've ever held a 14-gauge needle over someone's vein and said, "Now your
going to feel a little stick."
You've ever sworn your going to have "NO CODE" tattooed to your chest.
You refer to motorcyclists as organ donors.
You've ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings
say, "I'm afraid of shots."
You stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth
You have a patient in four-point leathers that asks if you're a nurse, you
reply "Yes", and walk away.
A trained physician can't recognize the proper anatomy of a female for a
catheter, but you get it on the first try.
You believe that all bleeding stops...eventually.
You think "awake and stupid" is an appropriate choice for mental status
You hate working the night of a full moon
You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac
Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal
You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce
You plan your next meal while performing gastric lavage
You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick
You believe you have patients who are demonically possessed
You refer to vegetable and you don't mean the food group
You believe the lab should have a 'dumb ****' profile on the lab requisition
You have handled several 'lost condom' cases
You firmly believe that 'too stupid to live' should be a diagnosis
You have to leave the patient before you begin to laugh uncontrollably
You believe a book entitled 'Suicide: Getting it Right the First Time' will
your next project.
You find humor in other people's stupidity
You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm
Your idea of fine dining is sitting down to eat
You believe chocolate is a food group
You believe a good tape job will fix anything
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