The Clever Woman

  1. This was just too good to pass up. Maybe more of us should use this approach.

    The letter to the bank, shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a
    bank by a 96 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
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    Dear Sir:

    I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
    endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three
    nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the
    arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course,
    to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which,
    I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

    You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
    also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
    caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
    incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that
    whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try
    to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
    pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I,
    like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

    My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
    automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
    confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be
    aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to
    open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status
    which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to
    eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank
    knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of
    his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and
    the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets
    and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I
    will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in
    dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

    As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the
    playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
    01. To make an appointment to see me.
    02. To query a missing payment.
    03. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
    04. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
    05. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
    06. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
    07. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the
    Authorized Contact.
    08. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7
    09. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

    While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

    May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

    Your Humble Client

    (Remember:This was written by a 96 year old woman.) Pretty clever person.
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  2. 2 Comments

  3. by   Deb123j
    Ohhhh...if only the banks would listen!!! I hate dealing with banks!!! :angryfire
  4. by   nursebedlam
    yeap was clever :chuckle

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