As the health authority has had to make drastic cuts in spending, volunteers are requested to commit suicide. This will substantially reduce the wage bill. Employees wishing to participate in this scheme are asked to assemble on the roof top of the main block. Arrangements will commence on alternate days, beginning 1st August 1999.
Participants will be marked on the difficulty of their dive and high scorers will receive enhanced death benefits. The action, in view of its voluntary nature, will not effect your pension rights.
Participants are requested to avoid landing on cars, ambulances or spectators, as this may cause death or injury to non-participants. Anyone not taking part on the days of action are asked to give every assistance to contractors employed to clear away the remains. Bodies will be thrown into skips on the east side of the building. Spectators are requested to make some form of movement on the action days to avoid being thrown into the skips.
Any staff taking part will be able to change his or her mind until reaching the fifth floor, after which it will be impossible for attending health and safety officers to get into a catching position.
The health authority hope to attain 50% reduction in staff through this scheme. Should the scheme become over subscribed a waiting list will be produced. All names to your manager before the end of July.