HMO memo to all Hospital Staff

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    MEMO

    To: All Hospital Staff
    From: Administration/Groundskeeping
    Subject: New Cost Cutting Measures

    Effective immediately, this hospital will no longer provide security. Each
    charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of
    ammunition.
    An additional 12 rounds will be stored in pharmacy. In addition to routine
    nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the patrolling of the hospital
    grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the parking
    areas.

    In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over
    the
    security surveillance duties. The ward clerk will be responsible for
    watching
    cardiac monitors and security monitors as well as regular duties.

    Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to
    let
    their families know to bring something or may make arrangements with Subway
    or
    Pizza Hut to deliver. Coin-operated telephones will be available in patient
    rooms for this purpose as well as for other calls the patient may wish to
    make.

    Housekeeping and Physical Therapy will be combined. Mops will be issued to
    those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range of motion exercises
    as
    well as a clean environment. Families and ambulatory patients may also sign
    up
    to clean the rooms of non-ambulatory patients for special discounts on their
    final bill. Time cards will be provided.

    As you can see on the "from" line above, hospital administration is assuming
    the groundskeeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached by calling
    his/her office, it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the
    sound
    of a lawnmower, weed-whacker, etc.

    Maintenance is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the
    Time-Life
    "How to..." series of maintenance books. These can be checked out from
    administration, and a toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing
    units.
    We will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every other month.
    We
    already have the volume on "Basic Wiring", but if a non-electrical problem
    occurs, please try to handle it as best you can until the appropriate volume
    arrives.

    Cutbacks in phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only
    performing blood-related tests on patients who are already
    bleeding.

    Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than
    two X-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time required by
    Photomat.

    Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians are being
    advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets.

    Photomat will also honor competitors coupons for one-hour
    processing in emergency situations, so if you come across any extra coupons
    please clip out and send these to ER.

    In view of the hot summer temperatures, the Utilities Dept. has been asked
    to
    install individual meters in each patient room, office, etc., so that
    electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed. Fans will
    be
    available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop.

    In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for
    collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor.
    Families, patients, and the few remaining
    employees are asked to contribute discarded produce.

    Pharmacy will utilize this for antibiotic production. These will be
    available
    for purchase and, coincidentally, will soon be the only antibiotics on our
    HMO's formulary.

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