Dumping Syndrome........

  1. OK... for those of you who have a touch of IBS as I do, you know this can present some problems at work... so here are a few gems of wisdom sent to me by a coworker on how to best deal with this embarrassing burdon (or should I say LOAD?) :chuckle

    ~HOW TO POOP AT WORK~


    We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked
    back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As
    much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
    inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the
    Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions
    and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

    ESCAPEE
    Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal
    or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a
    sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash
    you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you
    release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not
    happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
    pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is
    uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
    parties feel uneasy.

    JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
    Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine
    gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover.
    If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until
    everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness
    of what just occurred.

    COURTESY FLUSH

    Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone
    of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an
    undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop
    has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught
    doing the WALK OF SHAME.

    WALK OF SHAME

    Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
    you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very
    uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all
    farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be
    avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
    Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You
    will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
    newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office
    for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

    THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
    Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure
    emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you
    to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and
    identify SAFE HAVENS.

    SAFE HAVENS

    Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where
    you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of
    the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
    entering the bathroom.

    TURD BURGLAR

    Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall
    and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking
    and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If
    this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This
    way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

    CAMO-COUGH
    Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
    bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
    WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when
    used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

    ASTAIRE
    Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
    Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt
    that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the
    bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

    WATERMELON

    Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the
    toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
    Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

    HAVANA OMELET
    Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
    splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try
    using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

    UNCLE TED
    Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
    Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or
    sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while
    on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the
    bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom
    attendees.

    FLY BY
    Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk
    in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
    leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT
    FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly
    going into the bathroom.
    Last edit by jnette on Feb 27, '04
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  2. 2 Comments

  3. by   RichardJBoro
    Loved it. omg... i've done almost ALL of those....
  4. by   FranEMTnurse
    Quote from RichardJBoro
    Loved it. omg... i've done almost ALL of those....
    Me too! Good one Jnette.

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